Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 377728 times)

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Richard230

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Reply #1050 on: December 02, 2019, 10:55:31 pm
Does this look familiar to anyone?   :o
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Richard230

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Reply #1051 on: December 04, 2019, 03:05:48 pm
Here are some cartoons to celebrate "Hump Day".
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Richard230

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Reply #1052 on: December 05, 2019, 10:38:19 pm
I went to the gym today and there was this really hot girl working out.
I walked up to her and said " Hey sexy what's your new years resolution?"
"Fuck you" she replied.

I'm pretty excited about 2020.
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Richard230

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Reply #1053 on: December 06, 2019, 03:01:53 pm
What do they call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
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Richard230

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Reply #1054 on: December 08, 2019, 01:43:18 am
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.
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olhogrider

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Reply #1055 on: December 08, 2019, 08:43:35 pm
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

11. You post a politically incorrect joke online. That's hilarious  ;D


Richard230

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Reply #1056 on: December 09, 2019, 03:19:01 pm
Life in the Australian Army...



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
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mattsz

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Reply #1057 on: December 09, 2019, 04:48:36 pm
Life in the Australian Army...

A bit wordy, but totally worth the effort!  I didn't see it coming...  ;D


Richard230

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Reply #1058 on: December 10, 2019, 02:47:23 pm
Here are various types of fasteners recommended by the Hayes service manuals that you might need for your next project.
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Richard230

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Reply #1059 on: December 13, 2019, 10:55:52 pm
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".
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Richard230

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Reply #1060 on: December 15, 2019, 02:07:27 pm
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500." The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM." The old lady then asked, "Why?" The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you." She then returned the card to the old lady. The old lady remained silent... But then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have." The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000"
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
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Richard230

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Reply #1061 on: December 16, 2019, 02:55:58 pm
During the weekend I was asked how I viewed Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "In Full HD" wasn't the correct answer!
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Richard230

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Reply #1062 on: December 17, 2019, 02:39:01 pm
Make sure your Viagra has a "Made in the USA" label. We don't want the Chinese or the Russians meddling in our erections.
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Richard230

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Reply #1063 on: December 18, 2019, 11:43:03 pm
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing together when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go and get the farmer to get help.
Off the chicken ran back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmers' new BMW 7-series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off in it with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friends life. Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiney BMW, and managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken had tossed him. After tying the other end to rear bumper of the farmers car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and he too began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his penis and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW sedan to pick up chicks.
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Richard230

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Reply #1064 on: January 03, 2020, 02:38:50 pm
I think this cartoon will be appreciated by anyone who owns a Royal Enfield.  ;D
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