Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 143067 times)

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heloego

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Reply #1035 on: November 23, 2019, 01:27:16 pm
Oooooh!  ::)
LOL!
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Richard230

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Reply #1036 on: November 24, 2019, 10:18:10 pm
On the bus today I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl and I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection" . . . . but she did.
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Richard230

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Reply #1037 on: November 30, 2019, 03:51:23 pm
I want Black Friday televised. Just like the Hunger Games.

A group of ants is called a colony. A group of aunts is called a book club.

Why did Rudolph get a bad report card? Because he went down in history.

What did the sign on the out of business brothel say?  Beat it, we're closed.

 Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
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Richard230

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Reply #1038 on: December 02, 2019, 02:46:53 am


    A Politically Correct Christmas Poem


    Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the North Pole,
    were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.


    Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
    released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear,
    that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!


    The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
    because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
    And millions of people were calling the Cops,
    when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
    and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".


    To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
    He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
    demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.


    So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
    who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
    joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
    demanding from now on that her title was Ms.


    And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
    that making a choice could cause such commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
    Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
    Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.


    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
    And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
    were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
    for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
    who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.


    No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
    besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
    and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.


    So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
    he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
    He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
    but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
    His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
    nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.


    Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
    give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
    each group of people in every religion.
    Every race, every hue,
    everyone, everywhere...even you!
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


    "MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

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Richard230

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Reply #1039 on: December 02, 2019, 10:55:31 pm
Does this look familiar to anyone?   :o
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Richard230

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Reply #1040 on: December 04, 2019, 03:05:48 pm
Here are some cartoons to celebrate "Hump Day".
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Richard230

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Reply #1041 on: December 05, 2019, 10:38:19 pm
I went to the gym today and there was this really hot girl working out.
I walked up to her and said " Hey sexy what's your new years resolution?"
"Fuck you" she replied.

I'm pretty excited about 2020.
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Richard230

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Reply #1042 on: December 06, 2019, 03:01:53 pm
What do they call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
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Richard230

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Reply #1043 on: December 08, 2019, 01:43:18 am
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.
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olhogrider

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Reply #1044 on: December 08, 2019, 08:43:35 pm
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

11. You post a politically incorrect joke online. That's hilarious  ;D


Richard230

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Reply #1045 on: December 09, 2019, 03:19:01 pm
Life in the Australian Army...



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
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mattsz

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Reply #1046 on: December 09, 2019, 04:48:36 pm
Life in the Australian Army...

A bit wordy, but totally worth the effort!  I didn't see it coming...  ;D


Richard230

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Reply #1047 on: December 10, 2019, 02:47:23 pm
Here are various types of fasteners recommended by the Hayes service manuals that you might need for your next project.
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Richard230

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Reply #1048 on: December 13, 2019, 10:55:52 pm
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".
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Richard230

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Reply #1049 on: December 15, 2019, 02:07:27 pm
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500." The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM." The old lady then asked, "Why?" The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you." She then returned the card to the old lady. The old lady remained silent... But then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have." The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000"
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1