Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 113486 times)

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Richard230

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Reply #1020 on: August 19, 2019, 01:41:17 AM
Bill and Bobs wives went out for a drink. On the way home, worse for wear, they stopped in a graveyard for a piss. When they'd finished Bill's wife
took her knickers off and wiped herself dry. As Bobs wife was wearing new knickers she didn't want to do that and looked around and found a wreath
which she dried herself with.
The following day Bill and Bob were back in the pub. Bill told Bob that when his wife arrived home the previous night she wasn't wearing any knickers. Bob
told him that was not so bad. He said when his wife got into bed and he started exploring her nether regions, as he did he found a label stuck to her arse
which said "you will be sadly missed -from all the boys at the fire station.
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Richard230

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Reply #1021 on: August 20, 2019, 01:24:55 AM


    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


heloego

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Reply #1022 on: August 21, 2019, 01:26:12 PM
 ;D ::)
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Richard230

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Reply #1023 on: September 03, 2019, 02:47:49 PM
A major difference between men and women:Two guys will beat the crap out of each other in a bar brawl and shake hands in the parking lot.  Two women will not speak to each other for 10 years because one failed to notice a new pair of shoes.
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Richard230

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Reply #1024 on: September 03, 2019, 03:44:20 PM
And a few cartoons to brighten up your married life.   ;)
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

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Reply #1025 on: September 26, 2019, 10:34:48 PM
Pick your beer.   ;D
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Adrian II

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Reply #1026 on: September 26, 2019, 11:20:36 PM
And for those of us in the UK who might actually want to order some of those...

https://www.applebybrewery.co.uk/

A case of that stout seems particularly appropriate.  I shall have to order some and report back. All sponsorship appreciated! ;D

A.
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Boxerman

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Reply #1027 on: September 27, 2019, 08:17:00 AM
I didn't even know that they had a brewery at Appleby?
I'll have a look for it the next time I pass that way.

Frank


Richard230

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Reply #1028 on: October 12, 2019, 02:52:12 PM
Here is an acid test for the upgraded forum.  A cut-and-paste joke.  In the past I would get the dreaded system database error.  Let's see what happens now:


First text message: Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Bloody Technology, It'll be the death of us al
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Arizoni

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Reply #1029 on: November 02, 2019, 01:33:06 AM
There was a little known crook who robbed several banks and in the process he killed everyone who happened to be in the bank at the time.
Because of his ruthless ways, he was sentenced to a life term in one of the most secure prisons in the nation.

After several years he decided to write stories about people and their life interactions with others.
His stories were good but the publishers thought they lacked anything that would make them unique so they rejected them.

After giving it much thought he decided to rewrite the stories using a poetic type of writing with much of it in verse.  The publishers were amazed with this and published everything he sent to them.
The general public loved his work and bought everything he wrote making him famous.
So many people were amazed with his stories that a movie was soon made about his life and his writings.
Perhaps you've heard of it?

"The Bard Man of Alcatraz".
Jim
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Richard230

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Reply #1030 on: November 03, 2019, 10:21:59 PM
Where does Bigfoot live? Anybody in a 1st floor apartment can tell you.
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derottone

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Reply #1031 on: November 04, 2019, 09:21:36 AM
Where does Bigfoot live? Anybody in a 1st floor apartment can tell you.

Is that guy at the 1st floor apartment still alive? Who would have thought...
« Last Edit: November 04, 2019, 12:30:33 PM by derottone »


Adrian II

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Reply #1032 on: November 04, 2019, 10:33:51 PM
Grumpy Brit still seeking 500 AVL Bullet perfection! Will let you know if I get anywhere near...


derottone

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Reply #1033 on: November 06, 2019, 01:46:24 PM
A mother(ship) went to church praying to god to gift her new borns with charisma, she turned to rum as she realized her prayers remaind unheard.
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 07:19:41 PM by derottone »