Unofficial Royal Enfield Community Forum

Royal Enfield General Discussion => Campfire Talk => Topic started by: Ice on August 31, 2013, 01:52:17 am

Title: JOTD
Post by: Ice on August 31, 2013, 01:52:17 am
Joke Of the Day.

Let it begin.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Buckeroo on August 31, 2013, 04:48:54 am
I agree
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 01, 2013, 03:35:27 am
He he
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Bulletman on September 02, 2013, 09:56:55 am
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at
a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
 
I asked, 'Do you know him?'
 
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up 20 years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
 
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
 
 ... And then the fight started.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 02, 2013, 10:02:13 am
ROFLMAO !!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: JVS on September 02, 2013, 10:06:26 am
LOL
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: 1 Thump on September 03, 2013, 12:25:46 am
Here
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Bulletman on September 03, 2013, 06:48:14 am
 ;D
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
 
I bought her a scale.
 
 ... And then the fight started.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: ridgerunner on September 03, 2013, 09:32:11 am
Asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...a Rolex?...Mink coat? She said a divorce. I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much...and the fight started.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Buckeroo on September 03, 2013, 10:59:23 pm
Along the same lines, my cousin told me that she traded her husband in on a new car.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 04, 2013, 05:14:16 am
Several years ago Bill told a friend he got a new car for Hilliary.
"Good trade", his friend said.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 04, 2013, 05:20:06 am
A Eskimo, tired of freezing while he was paddling his kayak found the steel lid off of a garbage can.  It gave him an idea so, putting the lid into the bottom of his kayak he tossed in some branches and built a fire in it.

Shoving off into the frigid waters he made it about 50 yards before the vessel burst into flames.  He barely made it back to shore without freezing to death.

The moral of the story?
You can't have your kayak and heat it too. :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 04, 2013, 05:51:07 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: ROVERMAN on September 04, 2013, 05:18:49 pm
I just have to do this. A fella walks into a local Napa parts store, when the clerk asks if he could help him he Say's "how about a rear view mirror for my 82' Yugo". The clerk thinks for a second and replies "sounds like a fair deal to me". ::) ::) ::).
Name witheld for fear of cheesy joke retribution.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 04, 2013, 06:21:28 pm
A blond girl goes for a walk and comes to a river.  She wants to cross over, but doesn't see any bridge.  On the other bank she spies another blond girl, so she calls out; "Yoohoo!  Yoohoo!  How can I get to the other side of the river?"
The other blond replies; "Honey, you're already on the other side."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 05, 2013, 12:37:18 am
somebody just forwarded this one to me; I don't know its source.  But it seems appropriate - it has Guinness in it!  8)

MALE VS. FEMALE LOGIC:

Woman: Do you drink Guinness?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $9.00.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a Guinness costs $9 and you have 3 a day which puts your spending each month at $810. In one year, it would be approximately $9855 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $9855, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $197,100... correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Guinness, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink Guinness?

Woman: No.

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 05, 2013, 04:35:12 am
I like that one!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: REdmonton on September 05, 2013, 04:42:27 am
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says the something.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 05, 2013, 05:07:16 am
I think Congress should declare war on Canada instead of authorizing intervention in Syria.  After all, Syria didn't send Celine Dion and Justin Bieber here.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: ridgerunner on September 06, 2013, 09:14:02 am
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 06, 2013, 03:27:24 pm
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)

I don't get it.  :-[
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: 1 Thump on September 06, 2013, 05:01:38 pm
Make me one with everything....in a spiritual way unite me with the creation of the creator.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 06, 2013, 05:28:02 pm
Oh.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 06, 2013, 06:50:42 pm
[insert crickets chirping sound here]
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: ROVERMAN on September 06, 2013, 08:11:13 pm
All right, one more try at dry English humor.
Large building site with it's own cafeteria. A group of several workers love to harass the cook by asking for outlandish foods all time, knowing full well they don't have it.
Said cook had had about enough, so when they came in for lunch he was ready.
 "What can i do for you fellas today" says the cook. Worker says with a sly grin "Ow about an' Elephant's ball's sandwich". The cook ponders this for awhile and replies "Sorry mate were all out of bread!"
 ;D ;D ;D Apologies in advance.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 06, 2013, 08:54:25 pm
BTW, ridgerunner, I love the Zen master and hotdog salesman one!  One of my favorites - quick, clean and funny (don't pay no attention to that D the D!).  One of my other favorite all-ages jokes, from Prairie Home Companion's joke show:

Q: what did the zero say to the eight?

A: nice belt!


And for D the D, just in case:

Q: What did the 0 say to the 8 ?   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: REdmonton on September 06, 2013, 11:58:05 pm
What does the Dalai Lama order at a hot dog stand?

"Make me one with everything" ::)

The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on September 07, 2013, 12:20:20 am
Ha!  Thanks for that!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 07, 2013, 01:24:44 am
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?



A: One, if the light bulb is willing to change.


Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 07, 2013, 01:39:21 am
My blonde sister just got two new dogs.  She says she named them Rolex and Timex.
I asked why she didn't give them normal names like Spot and Rover.
She said; "They're WATCH DOGS stupid!'   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: singhg5 on September 07, 2013, 04:06:41 am
One Italian recently returned from his trip to the Garden State of New Jersey. His friends ask him 'How was the trip?' 

He tells them "I went to a bigga hotel and go down to eat soma breakfast.  I tella the waitress I wanna two pss toast. She branga me only one a piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss.  She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch."

"Later, I go to eat soma lunch at a restaurant the waitress bringa me a spoon and a knife, but no fock. I tell her I wanna fock. She telssa me everybody wanna fock. I tell her, you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She says you better not fock on the table. You sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch".

"So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand. I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch."

"I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma bitch."

I go bak to Italy !!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: singhg5 on September 07, 2013, 04:28:02 am
Male OR Female ?

Freezer Bags ?
Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Tires ?
Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 07, 2013, 04:38:25 am
A Chinese man walks into a cafe and sits down at the counter.

The cook says, "What do you want?"

The Chinese man says, "I like some flied lice."

The cook says, "Look.  I'm from Greece and even I know that people in the United States call it fried rice.  Is that what you want?"

The China-man says, "Yes." so the cook makes him some.

The next day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says, "I want flied lice."

The cook says, "It's called FRIED RICE!" and brings him some.

The following day the Chinese man comes into the cafe and says,
I want some frrrrried  rrrrice, you Gleek Plick!!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 07, 2013, 04:48:43 am
I sent this to my niece and her mom who owns a Chinese Rest. (She's from Taiwan).
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 07, 2013, 11:35:30 am
Anybody wants to guess ?

Depends.  Is it gonna make-a me look bad, or my wife?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: ridgerunner on September 09, 2013, 07:21:08 am
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Like it! ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 09, 2013, 12:06:55 pm
Photocopier ?     
Is it Male or Female and because .....   Anybody wants to guess ?

All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 09, 2013, 11:49:24 pm
A man setting in the club house at the local golf club was drinking his 5th beer when a friend walked up.

"You look totally beat!" the friend said.

"I am.

 Charlie Snider and I went out to shoot a full 18 holes this morning.
Everything was going fine and by the time we got to the 7th green I was a shot ahead of him.

Then, as he was putting out, he had a massive heart attack.

The rest of the day was absolutely horrible.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie.  Hit the ball...drag Charlie...."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 10, 2013, 01:30:36 am
 An Army Colonel was about to start the morning briefing by his staff. While waiting for the coffee maker to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

 He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" The S-3 Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work. The S-2 Captain said it was 50-50%.    A lieutenant from the S-4 shop responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

 There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the SPC in charge of making the coffee and asked what was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young SPC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was a bit surprised and asked why.

 The SPC said "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: singhg5 on September 10, 2013, 04:15:20 am
All right, singhg5, we've waited long enough...

Photocopier:
is a FEMALE because once turned OFF, it takes a while to warm them UP  ;D !
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: jdrouin on September 10, 2013, 07:10:20 pm
This one was told to me nearly 20 years ago by the father of one of my five-year-old swim students, in front of a class of five-year-olds.

A woman walks into a bar and hangs her coat high upon a peg, revealing a very hairy armpit. She sits down at one end of the bar, and a drunk man at the other end says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of bar a drink, on me."

The bartender completes the task, and the woman raises her glass in thanks to the man.

Some time later, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me." The bartender scratches his head a moment, but completes the request. The woman again raises her glass in thanks to the man.

When she finishes, the drunk man again says, "Bartender! Send the ballerina at the end of the bar a drink, on me."

This time the bartender says, "Look, I don't mind fulfilling your request, but what on earth makes you so sure she's a ballerina?"

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 11, 2013, 12:47:32 am
Two men found themselves in Cairo without transportation.
As they walked down the street a man from a Used Camel lot walked out to say,
"I see you are without a ride.  I have just the camel for you and the price is very reasonable."

The men told the man they had never even seen a camel up close so they wouldn't know how to ride it.

The salesman said,
 "You need to know nothing to ride this camel.  He is trained to watch the street lights and to do as they say.  It is all very easy."

The two men talked for a while and decided to buy the camel.  Following the purchase they climbed up on it and away they went.

Half an hour later they both walked back into the camel dealers lot.  The dealer was greatly surprised to see them and asked,
 "Why have you returned and where is the camel?"

One of the men said,
 "We were doing great.  When the lights were green the camel walked thru the intersection.  When the lights were red, the camel would stop.

Then, while we were waiting for a red light to change we heard someone on the sidewalk say, 'Look at those two ass holes on that camel.' 

We both got off to look and the light changed to green and that's the last we saw of it." 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: 1 Thump on September 11, 2013, 12:57:20 am
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

"Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are."

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 11, 2013, 11:47:46 pm
God was busy working in the kitchen when Mother Teresa walked in.

As he continued to mix up some tuna salad, Mother Teresa looked down into hell and saw that they were all eating Fillet Mignon and lobster.

"God", she asked.  "Why are the people down in hell eating Fillet Mignon and lobster while we are only having tuna salad sandwiches?"

God answered, "Well, with only the two of us here I didn't see any reason to dirty up a bunch of dishes."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 12, 2013, 10:45:32 am
FULL BODY SCANS AT  AIRPORTS:

December 2012 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA:

Terrorists Discovered: 0
Transvestites: 133
Hernias: 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
Breast Implants: 59,350
Natural Blondes: 3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on September 13, 2013, 09:39:30 pm
Darned if I can see it...

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on September 13, 2013, 09:43:23 pm
Can't see the forest for the trees, huh?
Bare
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on September 13, 2013, 09:44:31 pm
Yeah, I was going to have a wet dream last night, but I fell asleep first!
Bare
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 14, 2013, 01:46:18 am
I need glasses  :o  ;D  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GreenMachine on September 14, 2013, 02:22:40 am
The forest has some bodacious trees..u guys r blind.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on September 14, 2013, 03:14:38 am
The forest has some bodacious trees..u guys r blind.

 We know.
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: TWinOKC on September 17, 2013, 03:16:34 am
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'
 
Don’t be a prude, this is darn funny!
 
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

 
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Tiny Tim on September 17, 2013, 04:00:13 pm
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

One up the ladder and a dozen or so below all mumbling "You know, that could have been me up there"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on September 17, 2013, 06:14:23 pm
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on September 19, 2013, 04:05:13 am
I was in a London pub on a Saturday night. Had a few pints! I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?


One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's Wales, you IDIOT!"


So, I immediately apologized, and said,  "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember!!!   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Buckeroo on September 21, 2013, 03:12:13 am
It's behind the two little white hills.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 21, 2013, 05:33:55 am
A caterpillar was making his way across a large field when suddenly a large bird swooped down from the sky and swallowed him whole.

The caterpillar was determined not to become digested so he worked with all of his might in the direction that the stuff around him seemed to be moving.

After a great deal of work he suddenly found his head sticking out the rear of the bird.

He looked about and realized they were flying.
Far below him he could see the large trees,  the cows in the fields, the farmers tractor, the barn and the and the farmhouse.  They all looked like tiny toys.

Bending around to look forward the caterpillar shouted to the bird, "How high are we?"

The bird glanced back and yelled, "We're about 15,000 feet high and going over 50 miles an hour."

The caterpillar shouted back, "You wouldn't be shitting me would you?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 21, 2013, 10:45:59 am
grrr...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: TWinOKC on September 22, 2013, 04:15:07 am
 A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies
without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling
along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several
yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.  But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and
a dull grey dress.  There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear. ''Well, cowboy,'' says the genie,
''You know how I work ... You have three wishes.''

''I'm not falling for this,'' said the cowboy,

''I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.''

''What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!''

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

''OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.''

***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'' 

''My second wish is that I was rich .... beyond my wildest dreams.''


** *POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

''OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!''

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, ''I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.''

***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 22, 2013, 08:10:36 am
A young Lieutenant was assigned to a Legion post in the Sahara desert.

After stowing his gear and meeting with the brass he asked his Sergeant, "What do the men do to relieve their sexual urges out here?"

The Sergeant answers, "They use the camel, Sir."

The Lieutenant thanks the Sergeant and thinks to himself, "My God!  There is no way I could lower myself to doing something like that!"

Months pass and the Lieutenant can't take it any longer so he calls the Sergeant into his off ice and says, "I asked you before about what the men did to relieve their sexual urges and you mentioned that they use the camel.  Where can I find it?"

The Sergeant reply's, "She is in the camel shed at the South end of the fort, Sir."
The Lieutenant again thanks him and heads out the door turning to the South.

A short time later, hearing a great commotion the Sergeant looks into the camel shed.  Seeing his Lieutenant doing the unspeakable he says, "Sir?  The men just ride her to town." 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 24, 2013, 12:06:16 am
A man wearing tattered cloths walked up the driveway of a fancy large house and spotted a man sitting on the front porch.

"Got any work that needs doing around here?" he asked.

The homeowner on the porch thought for a moment and said,
 "If your handy with a paint brush, the porch around back needs painting.
 I bought all of the paint and the brushes a few days ago but I just haven't gotten around to doing the work.
I'll pay you $50 to paint it if you do a good job."

The tattered man said, "You got yourself a deal mister" and walked around to the back of the house.

20 minutes later the man was back at the front porch saying, "It's all done!"

The homeowner said, "Your done already?  I thought that job would take at least 5 hours!"

The tattered man said, "Nope.  You was wrong about the amount of time it would take and you was wrong about the car too.  That weren't no Porsche, it was a Mercedes."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on September 26, 2013, 04:31:16 am
The following is not a question given on a University  chemistry midterm, and an answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 27, 2013, 12:52:00 am
A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'  The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....




'Your house'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 27, 2013, 12:56:49 am
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

I don't know who made snopes the decider, but... sorry:

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp   :(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on September 27, 2013, 01:22:12 am
Didn't even think of that. Just thought it was funny.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 27, 2013, 05:51:00 am
Being a Arizona State University graduate, I knew it was just a made up joke. 
The University of Arizona doesn't have anyone that smart down there.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 27, 2013, 06:06:24 am
A woman walks into a Pet Store and asks the clerk if he has anything unusual for sale.

The clerk says, "Yes mam" and walks over to a stout cage.
He slowly opens the cage and inside is a small fuzzy very powerfully built little animal.  "This is an Australian Furry."

"My, it's cute.  What does it do?" asked the woman.

The clerk tosses a small rubber ball into the cage and says, "Furry, Ball!"
Like a streak the animal is on the ball with jaws biting, gnashing and ripping off pieces of the ball. In no time at all, the ball is nothing but small fragments spread all over the floor of the cage.

The woman says, "I'll take it.  I don't care what the price is, I must have that Furry."

The clerk is a surprised voice asks, "Just what do you intend to do with it?"

The woman answers,
 "I'm going to put it in the hall closet tonight.
When my worthless husband comes home from the bar and opens the closet he's bound to notice it and he will ask, "What the hell is this?"

I'll answer, "It's a furry dear." and he'll say, "Furry my ass!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: redcat on September 29, 2013, 12:59:59 pm
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on September 29, 2013, 01:12:48 pm
How many Kennedys does it take to change a light bulb?  One to hold the light bulb and five to drink enough to make the room spin.
I love it!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on September 29, 2013, 03:12:27 pm
Three Kinds

 A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
 The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
 'Onions?'
 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
 This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.
 The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'
 'A Christmas tree?'
 'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'
  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Buckeroo on October 01, 2013, 06:07:48 pm
" the balls are just for decoration.'
I might as well get out the paint, then.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on October 01, 2013, 07:01:06 pm
As for Snopes, it has lost all it's credibility since the liberals took over.
Bare
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 01, 2013, 11:23:09 pm
Don't believe everything you read on the internet, Bare!  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 02, 2013, 01:19:47 am
While riding on a train thru New Mexico, two business men were discussing the American Indian and his gift for having a long memory.
When the train stopped at a small station the men got off and noticed a Navajo Indian sitting beside the station doorway.

One of the men walked up to the Indian and said, "Hey Chief.  What did you have for breakfast eight months ago on December 12th?"

The Navajo looked up and said, "Eggs."

As the man asked, "How were they cooked?", the train whistle blew so the men hurried back and climbed aboard.

A year passed and the same two men once again were on the train as it stopped at the small station.

Getting off, they noticed the same Navajo sitting beside the station door.
One of the men said, "I wonder if he remembers when we were here a year ago?"

With that, he walked up to the Indian and said, "Remember us?"

Without looking up the Navajo said, "Scrambled." 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on October 02, 2013, 05:44:24 am
New day (barely); new joke:
A blond police officer sees a blond woman speeding and pulls her over.
The blond officer asks the blond driver to show her driver's license and registration.  The blond driver keeps digging around in her huge bag, getting more and more flustered as the blond officer waits.
The blond driver asks; "What does a driver's license look like?"
The blond officer says; "It's rectangular and flat and has your picture on it."
The blond driver pulls out a small mirror, looks at herself in it, and then hands it to the blond officer.
The blond officer looks in the mirror and says; "I'm sorry.  I didn't know you're a cop too!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on October 04, 2013, 05:51:51 pm
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. And I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down. :D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on October 04, 2013, 05:55:57 pm
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GreenMachine on October 04, 2013, 06:26:54 pm
Haaaaaaaaaaaa...Reminds me of Daryl Hannah..
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on October 05, 2013, 01:59:00 am
D&D and Green machine, Glad you enjoyed it thought it was priceless first time I heard it. Think this is the best Non Bike thread enjoy the heck out of it.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 05, 2013, 10:37:46 pm
Leaving politics aside...

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
 
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10...  where will you two live?"
 
Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."                           
 
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
 
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." 
   
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.  I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
 
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: High On Octane on October 05, 2013, 11:58:40 pm
LOL    ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 06, 2013, 06:01:35 am
And, with cold weather coming:

A man walks out onto a frozen lake to do some ice fishing.
He spots a young kid and decides that looks as good as anywhere to cut his hole so he walks over and saws a hole thru the ice.

During the next half hour he doesn't get even a nibble on his line but the kid next to him is repeatedly pulling a newly caught fish out of his hole.

The man can't stand it any longer so he asks the kid what his secret is.
The kid says, "MUPRUSHHEEHM".

The man says, "I didn't understand what you said.  Could you repeat it for me?"

Again the kid says, ""MUPRUSHHEEHM".

Again the man says, "I couldn't under stand a word you said.  Would you mind telling me your secret once again?"

With that, the kid spit out a large gooey ball into his hand and said, "You got to keep your worms warm."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 11, 2013, 11:42:28 pm
EXERCISE FOR OLD-TIMERS (you know who you are!!!)



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.



Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level  ;) ).




After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: cyrusb on October 11, 2013, 11:46:49 pm
Make up sex......It's worth fighting for....
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 12, 2013, 01:54:39 am
A young man visiting Egypt was without transportation when he spied a Used Camel Lot.

He walked in to find the typical salesman who instantly recognized a source of income when he saw one.

"Come right over here", the salesman said.  "This camel is an excellent buy.
He is young and has many years of life ahead of him.
He has no ticks or diseases.  A fine specimen in perfect health.
He can go for days without water, he eats very little and as a bonus, he knows every water hole in all of Egypt.  Riding this camel you'll never go thirsty.
  The price is very reasonable for a valuable animal like this and you can't go wrong if you buy him."

Convinced by the salesman's pitch, the young man bought the camel and rode off down the road in the blistering heat of the summer day.

Several miles out of town, the camel suddenly jerked several times, came to a complete stop.  It proceeded to fall down on its side and nothing the young man tried could get it to move.
Disgusted, the man walked back to the camel dealers lot and told him about the camels condition.
The salesman said, "Never fear! I know just what the problem is and I can fix it in an instant.  Just get up here on my camel and we'll ride out to your camel.

Arriving at the young mans camel, it was obvious it hadn't moved an inch.
The salesman got down from his camel and walked over to the downed beast.
Drawing his foot back he then kicked the camel right in the center of its stomach.

With that the camel produced a fart loud enough to shake the ground and a small dust storm swirled  from his rear.
Before the dust had settled, the camel jumped to his feet, ready to go.

The young man asked, "What was the problem?"

The salesman answered, "Vapor lock."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on October 12, 2013, 02:11:47 am
Can I have the last 15 seconds of my back?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 12, 2013, 09:57:15 am
No, it's gone forever!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on October 12, 2013, 08:06:44 pm
Today is NOT the worst day of your life...It's just the worst so far!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: TWinOKC on November 07, 2013, 07:17:10 pm
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Biker: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Biker: No problem.

The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on November 21, 2013, 04:22:00 am
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: TWinOKC on November 25, 2013, 03:45:14 am
 
A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on November 26, 2013, 05:12:11 pm
true story...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on November 26, 2013, 06:36:20 pm
Whadya expect fer a A&M guy?
Bare
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DonK on November 26, 2013, 06:44:45 pm
My buddy sent me these today...


Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
 
***********
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

 
***********
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose  patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,  "Yesterday."
 
 
***********
 
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
 
 
***********
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on November 26, 2013, 07:03:48 pm
hahahaha!  Made my day.  Thank you!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: High On Octane on November 27, 2013, 05:35:50 pm
My sex life is a lot like fishing.  Sometimes I just cast out my worm, wiggle it around and hope for a bite.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 05, 2013, 04:24:27 pm
DISCLAIMER: This is NOT a political statement. Just thought it might make someone laugh. I did.  ;D

An Indian walks into a  cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the  other.  He says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He  gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee..... 
The Indian drinks the  coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the  shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then  just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He  has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with  the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 





"Want coffee." 

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your  mess from yesterday.  What was all that about,  anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 



"Training for position in  United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,  leave mess for others to clean up, Disappear for rest of  day."


Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: D the D on December 05, 2013, 04:27:51 pm
PI, but I laughed.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 05, 2013, 10:00:33 pm
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Blltrdr on December 05, 2013, 10:12:18 pm
Exquisitely British
 
 The train was very crowded and, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
 
 The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
 
 The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. 'Americans are so rude.My little Fifi is using that seat!'
 
 The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was still under that dog.
 'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
 
 She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
 
 This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
 
 The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
 
 An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
 You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
 You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
 And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'

So let me get this straight. The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged poodle named Fifi. Couldn't the Marine see this here dog was just no average bitch, but a older more refined high class one. The dog will be easy to identify though, being so well dressed and all.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 05, 2013, 10:25:22 pm
Arizoni,  ;)  ;D  8)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 07, 2013, 09:06:32 pm
One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the young women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: singhg5 on December 17, 2013, 04:25:14 am
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the few hair he had left on his balding head.

Thrilled with the ride, he pushed the pedal even more. Then he saw a state trooper's flashing lights in his rear view mirror. He floored the pedal to 100 mph, then 110 mph, then 120 mph. Suddenly he thought to himself 'I am too old for this' and pulled over to wait for the trooper to arrive.

The cop pulled behind him in a few seconds, got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never heard before - I will let you go".

The old gentleman paused and then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back".

"Have a good day Sir", as trooper drove off in his car.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 18, 2013, 04:10:54 am
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: High On Octane on December 18, 2013, 01:00:53 pm
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

LMAO  I like that one.  :D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on December 18, 2013, 05:32:57 pm
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through. "So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.  You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on December 18, 2013, 08:46:58 pm
      Two cannibals have just sat down to dinner after spending most of the day cooking a clown they've captured.

       One cannibal turns to the other after a few bites & asks "Does this taste funny to you"?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on December 18, 2013, 08:51:11 pm
      A ducks walks into a drugstore & asks the clerk for a bright red lipstick.

      "Cash"?

       "No. Just put it on my bill".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on December 18, 2013, 09:03:40 pm
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mplayle on December 19, 2013, 02:30:17 am
    A rabbi, a priest, a minister, an Imam, a blonde, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, a cowboy, a blonde, a doctor, a lawyer & an Indian Chief walk into a bar.

     Bartender sez: "What IS this? A joke"?

No joke, just the "Village People".

 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 19, 2013, 04:35:57 pm
Back to the camels...

A seasoned caravan driver wants to buy a camel, can't afford a new one, so he looks for something in a used dromedary.
The salesman is glad for some business, so he shows the man a good healthy one, but kindly adds the caveat " This camel is much like a horse. You can lead him to water, but you can't make him drink."
The caravaner says "Untrue at best, and I'd be happy to disprove your theory."
The salesman, chuckling, says "Go for it."
The caravaner immediately brings the camel to a well, and when it refuses to drink he pulls two plate-sized, very flat rocks out of his robe. After pushing the camel's nose near the water he stands behind it and quickly smashes the camel's balls between the two rocks, forcing the camel to inhale suddenly and suck up the water!
The salesman is amazed and says "Damn! That's gotta hurt like hell!"
And the caravaner says "Not really. Just keep your thumbs out of the way."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 19, 2013, 10:42:22 pm
A few days later, deep into the Sahara the camel was showing sighs of dehidration so after arriving at a water hole the caravaner tried to get his camel to drink.  The camel would have none of it.

Lacking any flat rocks the caravaner told his helper, "You grab his head and hold his nose under the water and I'll pump some into him."

With the helper holding the camels nose as asked the caravaner grabbed its tail and started pumping it up and down.
After a few pumps the greatly upset camel promptly crapped on him causing him to yell, "PULL UP HIS HEAD!  HE'S SUCKING MUD!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on December 23, 2013, 05:05:43 pm
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… I suddenly I remembered that I was listening to my Ipod… and how was your day?

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 24, 2013, 10:38:17 pm
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 26, 2013, 03:03:52 pm
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.

 ;D Oh and Merry Christmas everyone.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 26, 2013, 07:13:28 pm
Ah, the musings and poetry of James Haddow!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on December 28, 2013, 10:24:28 pm
For those of us thinking about having a mid life crisis.  :o

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gmmechanic on December 28, 2013, 11:11:53 pm
when i asked the blond receptionist at work her idea of safe sex,she replied without blinking "a padded headboard" :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on January 04, 2014, 05:24:25 am
I just found out about the Massachusetts crow problem, you folks up there have my sympathy!
It seems like there have been a lot of crows killed on the highways lately. Upon investigation using paint samples and accident reports the MTA has determined that 98% of them have been hit by trucks. Further research has shown that while the crows are on the road eating the carrion they always post a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of danger.The MTA has done a lengthy study and believe they are on to something. They have discovered that virtually every crow can say "cah!' but they haven't found a single one that can say "truck!".  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on January 04, 2014, 01:44:43 pm
Ouch!
 ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on January 04, 2014, 05:26:42 pm
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for
the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on January 05, 2014, 05:31:55 pm
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
 “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
 “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
 “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
 “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
 “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
 “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on January 06, 2014, 02:26:45 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gmmechanic on January 06, 2014, 08:00:21 pm
 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on January 08, 2014, 05:28:57 pm
Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend...I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said "That's us in ten years".

He said "That's a mirror, dip_ _ _t!"  :'(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on January 16, 2014, 05:34:50 pm
Little Johnny was sitting on the curb with a gallon of Turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A while later a Priest came along and asked Little Johnny what he had. Johnny replied,

'This is the most powerful liquid in the world. It's called 'turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

Johnny replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass....

it'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on January 18, 2014, 03:20:32 pm
 ;D :)   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: High On Octane on January 18, 2014, 03:47:56 pm
A Fisherman's Joke

A bass is swimming around the lake enjoying a beautiful day when he swims over to his bluegill friend and says "Man.  I have a great life.  I've lived in this lake for 10 years and can do whatever I want.  I am KING of this lake!  Life is good!  So how are you doing?"  The bluegill responds "Well, you know, life is good.  I can't complain.  But you see that guy over there?  You keep eating all of his kids.  His life is kind of crappie."   

Scottie
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on January 18, 2014, 04:12:59 pm
Redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my god! You slut!
How many is a Brazilian?"   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gmmechanic on January 18, 2014, 10:35:53 pm
3 women, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, were convicted of murder in the "27th degree".

The firing squad was called to shoot all the girls.

The brunette went first. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." Before the man said three, the brunette yelled, "TORNADO!"

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The firing squad then went to the redhead. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2..." "FLOOD!" the redhead screamed.

Everyone looked away, and she ran to safety.

The blonde, noticing what the other girls did, knew what she had to do. The executor said, "We will shoot you on 3. 1...2...3!!!"

"FIRE!!!" the good ol blonde screamed...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The_Rigger on January 19, 2014, 02:21:06 am
Oy...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on January 19, 2014, 04:47:55 am
A Sioux Indian boy was tired of the other Indian boys laughing and taunting him. He was very dejected.

Finally, he worked up enough courage to ask his parents a question that had long been on his mind so he went to his Fathers Tee Pee and said, "Father?  I need to ask a question."

His father replied, "Yes, my son.  What is your question?"

"Father?  Is it true?  Are Indian children named after the first thing the mother sees or hears after they are born, like Rising Sun and Great Thunder?"

The father answers, "Yes, Two Dogs Humping.  Why do you ask?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gmmechanic on January 22, 2014, 05:32:36 am
two dogs humping grew up to be the best hunter,meanest warrior ,and most handsome man in the tribe...and so it was deemed that he marry the prettiest lady ...a month before the wedding two dogs humping went to the chief medicine man and confessed that even though he was brave and strong he knew nothing about love and sex...the medicine man took himout in the forest and found a tree with a knothole at the correct level and he showed two dogs how to practice for the special night...he said you go into the woods each day and find a good knothole to practice on...well the day of the wedding all was beautiful and as was the custom the elders surrounded the wedding hut as tha pair entered...a few minutes later there was a terrible scream,continuous for few minutes...the medicine man entered and found the poor lady bleeding and two dogs standing above her with a bloody sick...what are you doing asked the medicine man????..two dogs just grinned and said"me checkum for bees"....
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GreenForce82 on January 23, 2014, 05:37:54 am
fricken winter

I haven't seen this much blowing and drifting since they built that whorehouse next to the racetrack...






and...




Did you hear that many major cites will start random drug testing on some of their cities most travelled roads?





Cuzza all the POT HOLES!




Wakka Wakka Wakka!!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on February 15, 2014, 11:47:06 pm
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
 The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
 When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"   ::) :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 16, 2014, 02:56:21 am
Got this in an email - stolen from who knows where...

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
 
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
 
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on February 16, 2014, 01:29:30 pm
Man, I hope there aren't any dumb blondes in this forum...

A blonde is racing her Mustang down the pike when she's stopped by a blonde police officer who asks to see her license.
The racing blonde says" It's right there on the back of the car."
The blonde officer explains that the license is most likely in her hand bag and about the size of her compact.
The blonde in the car digs around and hands the officer the compact.
The officer opens it up, looks at the mirror, and says " Oh! If I knew you were an officer I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Darkside on February 20, 2014, 01:44:23 am
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DonK on February 24, 2014, 03:18:49 pm
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general…pathetically all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on March 21, 2014, 01:51:00 pm
I like that one!

This thread has been quiet too long:


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of The Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jaysus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: DanB on March 21, 2014, 03:17:25 pm
This was forwarded to me... thought it worthy of a Friday:

You have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads.
This one gets First prize...

(https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/21409382/image001111.jpg)

I e-mailed this to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back:
If light stay on for more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
(This make me raugh out roud)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on April 22, 2014, 11:32:23 am
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesys
(gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,
the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers,
my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was
surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fucked."

 

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on April 22, 2014, 09:31:04 pm
Great Truths

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man
    is a shame, two is a law firm,
    and three or more is a congress.
    -- John Adams
 
2. If you don't read the newspaper
    you are uninformed, if you do
    read the newspaper you are
    misinformed. -- Mark Twain
 
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
    suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But then I repeat
    myself. -- Mark Twain
 
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
    tax itself into prosperity is like a
    man standing in a bucket and
    trying to lift himself up by the
    handle. --Winston Churchill
 
5. A government which robs Peter to
    pay Paul can always depend on
    the support of Paul. -- George
    Bernard Shaw
 
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
    great debt to his fellow man,
    which debt he proposes to pay off
    with your money. -- G. Gordon
    Liddy
 
7. Democracy must be something
    more than two wolves and a sheep
    voting on what to have for
    dinner. --James Bovard , Civil
    Libertarian (1994)
 
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
    transfer of money from poor
    people in rich countries to rich
    people in poor countries.
    -- Douglas Case ,
    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
 
9. Giving money and power to
    government is like giving whiskey
    and car keys to teenage boys.
    -- P.J. O'Rourke , Civil Libertarian
 
10. Government is the great fiction,
      through which everybody
      endeavors to live at the expense
      of everybody else. -- Frederic
      Bastiat , French economist(1801-1850)
 
11. Government's view of the
      economy could be summed up
      in a few short phrases: If it
      moves, tax it.  If it keeps
      moving, regulate it. And if it
      stops moving, subsidize it.
      --Ronald Reagan (1986)
 
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
      the government and report the
      facts. -- Will Rogers
 
13. If you think health care is
      expensive now, wait until you
      see what it costs when it's free!
      -- P. J. O'Rourke
 
14. In general, the art of government
      consists of taking as much
      money as possible from one
      party of the citizens to give to
      the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
 
15. Just because you do not take an
      interest in politics doesn't mean
      politics won't take an interest
      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
 
16. No man's life, liberty, or
      property is safe while the
      legislature is in session.
      -- Mark Twain (1866)
 
17. Talk is cheap, except when
      Congress does it. -- Anonymous
 
18. The government is like a baby's
      alimentary canal, with a happy
      appetite at one end and no
      responsibility at the other.
      -- Ronald Reagan
 
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
      the unequal sharing of the
      blessings. The inherent blessing
      of socialism is the equal sharing
      of misery. -- Winston Churchill
 
20. The only difference between a
      tax man and a taxidermist is that
              the taxidermist leaves the skin.
                -- Mark Twain
 
21. The ultimate result of shielding
      men from the effects of folly is
      to fill the world with fools.
      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)
 
22. There is no distinctly Native
      American criminal class, save
      Congress. -- Mark Twain
 
23. What this country needs are
      more unemployed politicians
      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)
 
24. A government big enough to give
      you everything you want, is
      strong enough to take everything
      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson
 
25. We hang the petty thieves and
      appoint the great ones to public
     office. -- Aesop
 
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
 
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
    prosperity, by legislating the
    wealthy out of prosperity.
 
2. What one person receives without
    working for, another person must
    work for without receiving.
 
3. The government cannot give to
    anybody anything that the
    government does not first take
    from somebody else.
 
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
    dividing it.
 
5. When half of the people get the
    idea that they do not have to
    work, because the other half is
    going to take care of them, and
    when the other half gets the idea
    that it does no good to work
    because somebody else is going to
    get what they work for, that is the
    beginning of the end of any nation!
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: yoda_jackson on April 24, 2014, 05:07:20 pm
+1 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Guaire on April 28, 2014, 03:21:38 am
Outstanding.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on May 13, 2014, 12:49:42 am
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
 
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on May 17, 2014, 01:37:29 am
OUCH!  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on June 12, 2014, 05:54:29 pm
"Arlo & Janis" is my mostest favoritist cartoon - I found one, from waaaay back in 1994, that certainly applies to many of us here!

I tried to get Jimmy Johnson's permission to post it here, but never heard from him.  I'm going to do it anyway, knowing that it was originally printed in a public newspaper and I got it from a public archive.

The setup to this one is: family goes to beach; Son meets up with last year's crush, who has "matured" and now has an older boyfriend; Dad tries to cheer up son by renting jetskis...

(https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-SBEk7mysRN4/U5naNW82RvI/AAAAAAAABsM/8Hlm69b16PA/w600-h183-no/aj940625.gif)

I guess it's not really a joke at all, is it?  ;D

Check out "Arlo & Janis" at Gocomics (http://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis (http://www.gocomics.com/arloandjanis)), and check out Jimmy Johnson's site, where he posts old comics and comments (http://arloandjanis.com/ (http://arloandjanis.com/))
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: High On Octane on June 16, 2014, 11:20:46 pm
True story today......

Wife - "Do you think they have liquor stores in Heaven?"
Me - "Of course.  They're called Jesus Wine and Spirits."    ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on June 23, 2014, 06:27:11 am
A woman visits the cosmetic surgeon to talk about a breast enlargement. After going through all the details, she is advised of the cost of the procedure.
"oh dear, that's more expensive than I imagined. I don't think I can afford that"
She says.
The doctor replies "well you could try another method. Try wiping them each day with toilet paper"
She asked in surprise "how does that work"
"No-one knows," replied the doctor, "but it worked on your arse".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on June 25, 2014, 02:48:55 pm
A blonde gets a good job and buys herself a new car.  On the first day she drives it to work, the engine starts to stumble and backfire.  She heads to the dealership where she bought it, stomps through the front door and shouts at the salesman "I paid a lot of money for this new car but it runs like junk, so FIX IT!"
The salesman calms her down, gives her a cup of coffee and sends a mechanic out to see to the car.  He lifts the hood, does some things with a few tools and a rag, closes the hood and comes into the showroom, saying "OK, it's fixed now."
They all go outside, there it sits, purring smoothly.  The girl  says "I paid a lot for this but it was running awful.  What's up with that?"
The mechanic says "Not much, just crap in the fuel system."
The blonde says "How often do I need to do that?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 26, 2014, 12:52:25 am
During WW II in Europe a soldier named Bill had the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  A fragment from a hand grenade hit him in his left eye.

Bill was rapidly transported back to the field hospital but they couldn't do much to help him so he lost it.

He was very self conscious about his missing eye,  wore an eye patch and would never look anyone directly in the face.

A friend was a skilled wood worker and thought he'd help the situation by carving an artificial eye for the guy.
It worked and looked pretty good but the soldier was still very self conscious about it.

After capturing a large French town, the town decided to put on a dance and all of the soldiers were invited.
Bill didn't want to go but his friends talked him into it.

At the dance, Bill sit in a dark corner of the room but after looking around he noticed a girl sitting across the room, also in a dark corner.  As he studied her, he noticed she was also a victim of the war and was wearing a wooden leg.
This got him thinking.  "We have something in common.  Maybe if I ask her to dance the two of us can become good friends."

With that in mind, he walked across the room and asked, "Would you like to dance?"

"Would I?  Would I?" she said.  to which he replied,

Peg leg!  Peg leg!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on June 28, 2014, 06:28:10 pm
I read this awhile ago in an aviation magazine; it may have appeared here before this.  It's supposed to be a true story, but maybe not...

The people who man the control tower at the airport in Munich had a reputation for being a bit less than helpful, often making things difficult for pilots unfamiliar with the airport layout.  A British Airways Boeing 707 landed there; at the end of his rollout he was cleared to a gate but with little guidance from ground control.  He stopped at the end of the runway to consult the map of the airport taxiways.  Tower came on and said "British Airways, clear the runway".
The pilot replied he was consulting a map for the route.
Tower came back "British Airways, not been to Munich previously?"
The pilot answered, "yes, I was here twice in 1944, but it was dark and we didn't stop."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on July 28, 2014, 08:29:15 pm
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.  So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.  He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.   She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.  She will praise you!  She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
 
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
 
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
 
Adam replied, "Ah.  So... what can I get for a rib?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on August 11, 2014, 04:49:23 am
Several hours after eating some of his favorite Ham Hock & Navy Bean soup Fred felt the old familiar rumbling. Sure enough, nature was working again so he let fly.
Much to his amazement it didn't sound at all normal.
In fact, it sounded like his rear said, "Honda".

He went in to the living room where his wife was watching TV and sit next to her.
Again, the rumbling started and he let fly.
"Honda".

"What about a Honda?" his wife asked. He didn't answer, but a few minutes later, once again..."Honda" sounded out loud and clear.

His wife said, "I don't know why you keep talking about Japanese cars but something in here stinks."

After thinking about his new sound he became rather worried so first thing the next morning he went to his Doctor.

After describing what was happening, his Doctor said, "I'm afraid I can't help you. You need to go to Doctor Wan Lee. He knows about these things."

Fred bee-lined it over to Dr. Lee's office.
After filling out the paperwork he was told to go back to see the Doctor.

Just as he was walking into the office, the rumbling began again and before he could speak his rear once again said, "Honda".

Dr Lee looked up and said, "You need to see a Dentist for your abscessed tooth!"

Fred said, "What are you talking about? I came to see you because of my strange sounding flatulence, not my mouth."

The Doctor looked at him and said,
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on August 11, 2014, 11:48:34 am
"Surely you heard the old expression, "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda"."

(http://www.advrider.com/forums/images/smilies/ban.gif)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 06, 2014, 04:20:52 pm
Sorry if this one has been posted before.  In two parts; for some reason, it won't let me post the whole thing...



Subject: Technical Support
To: Technical Support
Subject: Software Problems

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to  run some of my other favorite  applications. I am  thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
Joe
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on September 06, 2014, 04:22:33 pm
Part Two:



Subject: Technical Support

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 07, 2014, 12:08:57 am
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks, "Whats the problem?"

The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.  It frightens me."

The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that."
"When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it around in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room of calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the Doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished and swished and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing.  It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on September 12, 2014, 02:42:04 pm
Two tribes in New Guinea were in an ongoing war over which tribe were the rulers of the island they shared.  The symbol of supremacy was a gold-laden throne on which the emperor sat because doing so made him or her the Emperor Over All - whoever possessed the throne was therefore the ruling tribe. After successfully recapturing the throne after numerous exchanges in battles lost and won it was decided that hiding it when the government wasn't in session might be the best way to keep it from being taken by the other tribe.  A system of ropes and pulleys was designed that lifted the throne out of sight into a space above the throne room, in the largest hut in the village.  But the throne was heavy and the hut was made of small branches and grass so the first time the throne was lifted into its place of safe-keeping, the hut collapsed and killed the tribal leaders.
The moral:  "People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on September 14, 2014, 01:13:09 am
Angus MacTavish returned from the wars -- His Lass came down from the highlands to meet him at the train station-- "Aye Angus it 's so guid ta see ya" --Aye Lass, tis bin a wile -- "Angus, I came ta walk wee ya back up ta the heighlands." -- As they proceeded upon their journey his Lass said " Angus, I were hoping that we might stop in one of the glens along the way and make love the way we usta" -- " Aye Lass, that would be most fine"  So they stopped in the glen and proceeded with their love makin.-- Angus looked down at his Lass and her head was bobbin on the ground, just a bobbin up and down.  "Lass, ha ya contracted some sort of an ailment while I been away? -- " Ah nay Angus, but in your moment of haste, ya tucked a bit of your scarf in wee ya!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 26, 2014, 12:01:03 am
An old Italian wanted to plant his yearly tomato garden but the dirt was very hard.
In the past, his young son had helped him by doing the digging for him but his son was now in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son saying,

"Dear Vincent. 
I am feeling very sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomatoes this year.  I'm getting too old to dig up the garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  You would happily dig it for me like in the old days.

Love
Papa

A few days later, the old man receved a letter from his son.  It said,

"Dear Pop.
For Gods sake, don't dig in the vegetable garden!
 That's where the bodies are buried."

Love
Vinnie"

At 4 AM the next morning a squad of FBI agents and local police showed up and proceeded to dig up the whole garden area.
Not finding anything, they apologized to the old man and left.

That same morning, the old man recieved a letter from his son.
It said:

"Dear Pop:
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie"
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 01, 2014, 12:39:51 pm
Just a friendly reminder... no good deed goes unpunished!



There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.  One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.  The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.  Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...  Can you please help me?
 
Sincerely, Edna

 
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.  I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.   
 
Sincerely, Edna
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on October 07, 2014, 02:04:22 am
A matronly woman from Boston attended a tea party where they served Boston baked beans.  On her trip home she boarded a bus. As she was about to take her seat she let out a very embarrassing bit of flatuance. Thinking starting a conversation might ease the situation she turned to the man seated next to her and asked--"Pardon me sir, but when you boarded this vehicle did you happen to obtain a transfer?" His reply was---"Naw lady, but the first tree we pass I'll reach out and grab you a handful of leaves !"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 07, 2014, 03:01:35 am
That reminds me of the old joke about the East Coast woman who came out to a Dude Ranch here in Arizona.

The day after her arrival a horseback ride was scheduled so she signed up for it.  She spent the evening and the next morning dreaming about actually riding a real live horse.

When the time came, she (with the help of a ranch hand) got into the saddle and joined the long line of other riders on their horses.

After riding some distance, the trail straightened out and all of the horses started to trot.  As they did this, the woman's horse started to do what horses often do when they trot.
With almost every jolt the horse would let out a noisy bit of flatulence.

The woman, not knowing about the nature of horses was extremely embarrassed and after a half mile of this she turned in the saddle and shouted to the man behind her, "Pardon me!".

The man on the horse behind her said, "That was you?  I thought it was your horse."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: barenekd on October 07, 2014, 05:31:02 pm
She: I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment.

He: Your eyesight is damn near perfect!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on October 07, 2014, 10:27:22 pm
Q: Why do farts stink?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on October 11, 2014, 12:34:39 am
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.........."Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman' he thought, "What the heck...I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again......
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 01, 2014, 04:24:58 am
Farmer Browns daughter had gone off to College and when she got there she took her belongings to her room in the Dorm.

While talking with the other girls she found that they all were getting bicycles and, wanting to fit in she sent her father a letter saying,

"Dear Dad:  All of the girls here are buying bicycles.  Could you please send me $100 so I can buy one too?  I know the other girls will be more friendly if I have a bicycle like theirs.
Love Vicky"

The father was not a rich man but he loved his daughter dearly so he scrimped and saved for the $100 to send her.

After a month, he had the money saved so he sent it to Vicky but by then, the fad had changed.  The other girls had sold their bicycles and bought pet monkeys.  Vicky joined them and used the $100 to buy herself a small monkey too.

Things went well for a few weeks but then, her monkey got very sick.
It was so sick the hair started falling off of it.

Vicky figured her dad was a farmer and knew all about sick animals  so he should know what to do to help so she wrote him another letter saying:

"Dear Dad.  The hair is falling off of my monkey.  Please tell me what to do.
Love Vicky"

Her father wrote back saying:

"Dear Vicky:  Sell the bicycle!
Love Dad"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on November 02, 2014, 09:28:47 pm
The Will:

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the as*hole had a paper route!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 05, 2015, 07:21:25 pm
Am I really the last one to post here... almost a year ago?  :o

Cold weather is quickly approaching, and I'm depressed, so post some jokes to cheer me up, you guys!

Q: What do you call a dwarf psychic who recently escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: flyboy on October 06, 2015, 02:29:36 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on October 06, 2015, 06:13:09 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic dingo?

It ate the Azaleas

The Australians here will get it..... ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 06, 2015, 07:19:57 am
Why Older People Still Use Need Newspapers:

I was visiting my daughter last night
and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said.
"We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... that f**king fly
never knew what hit him...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on October 17, 2015, 08:34:47 pm
A couple of years ago I was heading out from Inverary for Lochgilped when my bike spluttered to a halt. I stood scratching my head when I heard a soft voice saying " It's the low tension lead on the coil". Startled I looked around but saw know one, only a black horse munching the grass in a nearby field. I looked back at the bike, and sure enough the lead had come loose, a quick tighten up an I was on my way. Still bewildered I pulled into the filling station at Lochgilped to fuel up, and told the pump attendant my strange tale. He looked at me with a serious face and asked "Was there a black horse nearby?" "Why yes" I replied. " You were very lucky then, the white one that's usually there knows f##k alll."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on October 18, 2015, 12:22:56 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on October 18, 2015, 12:27:47 am
Patient to psychiatrist: Doc, I'm suffering from extreme mixed emotions......

Psychiatrist : Go on.

Patient: My mother in law died yesterday when she drove off a cliff.................

........in my brand new car.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 18, 2015, 10:54:48 am
Pete Seeger was at a peace rally near Boston, where he showed this to my sister-in-law, one of the organizers.  It's a bit geographically specific, obviously - and pretty clever...

The post office received a letter to be delivered, addressed only as follows:


Hill
Mister
Massachusetts



So they sent it to...




Mr. Underhill
Andover, Massachusetts
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on October 18, 2015, 11:49:59 am
Last time the Pope was here he was driven around in a chauffeur driven limo. One morning before hitting the motorway the Pope asked the driver to pull over and give him a shot at the wheel because he was bored sitting in the back being driven everyday, so they changed places. The Pope floored it, took the big car up to 115mph. They were soon pulled over by a rookie traffic cop who on seeing the Pope cautiously asked him to remain in the car. The cop went back to the patrol car and radioed base. "I've stopped someone really important and I don't know what to do", he said." Well how important is this person" barked the desk sergeant. " I don't know" replied the cop " Well how do you know they are important at all then" replied the sergeant " they must be really important" replied the cop, " because they've got the Pope as a driver"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 18, 2015, 12:00:21 pm
Ok, now THAT'S funny...  8)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on October 19, 2015, 07:57:51 am
A distressed motorcyclist came into my shop the other day."Can you fix my motorcycle, the carburetor's full of water"
"No problem, where's your bike?" I replied.
" In the harbour" he replied.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 21, 2015, 01:49:29 am
To break up the monotony, one day Moses asked God if he would like to play a round of golf.

God said, "Sure.  That sounds like fun." and suddenly, POOF!  They were standing at the first tee on a beautiful golf course.

God said, "Moses, why don't you lead off?"

Moses thanked him for the opportunity and tee'ed up the ball.
Taking a wood from his clubs he took a shot and the ball ended up at the side of the fairway about 100 yards short of the green.

Moses smiled at what he felt was a pretty good shot for someone who had never played golf before.
He turned to God and said, "OK.  See if you can top that."

God also selected a wood, tee'ed up the ball and took a mighty swing.

The ball hooked wildly off course and was headed for a swamp when suddenly a strong blast of air came from nowhere and blew the ball back to the center of the fairway.
As the ball began falling towards the ground, a hawk suddenly appeared and snatched the ball out of the air and flew down the fairway, dropping it on the green.

As the ball careened wildly towards the edge of the green, a small rabbit hopped out of the bushes and pushed the ball up to the pin where it dropped into the cup. 

Moses turned to God and said, "Did you come here to play golf or are you just going to #u(k around all day?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on October 22, 2015, 12:58:26 am
Just got this in an email - not sure of the source, or if it's a joke, but it's cute, if not somewhat predictable...



FROZEN CARBURETOR
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on October 25, 2015, 02:34:28 pm
An expatriate Scot living in the US belonged to a club of his countrymen that met one Saturday each month for a reunion of sorts.  It was more or less a formal affair so they dressed in the traditional kilts and kit.  Of course there was a copious consumption of single-malt which had the expected results. 

One Saturday night Angus is walking home from the party through the park when his unusually inebriated state made progress difficult so he availed himself of a handy park bench, whereupon he fell asleep. 

Time passes to morning when an elderly woman making her way through the park to services encounters Angus, asleep on the bench, leaving room for her to take a rest thereupon as she usually did. 

Her curiosity about what men wore under their kilts led her to surreptitiously lift Angus's hem with her umbrella just enough to reveal the truth - and confirm a suspicion she had had for years!  Having a sense of humor she could not let this opportunity pass unfulfilled, so after some thought she searched her purse for a scrap of blue ribbon she had saved from a gift she had unwrapped.  Tying a lovely bow around you-can-guess she went on her way to church.

Shortly thereafter Angus wakes with a roaring blinding hangover, glances at his watch to find he's been away from home all night, and so rushes home to what awaits from his certainly angry wife. 

He gets all the way into the house and into the shower before his wife recognizes he's finally home so she angrily shouts, "Where were you all night, Angus??"  Angus, now fully awake, replies, "I'm not sure, love, but wherever it t'was, I won First Place."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on October 27, 2015, 08:37:32 pm
Don't know how well this one will travel.

I was at the butcher's shop yesterday. In front of me was a very effeminate man, when it was his turn he asked the butcher if he could have a mince round.
The butcher pondered, and then replied,"ok, go on then, but don't touch anything".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on October 28, 2015, 09:52:47 am
Haha  ;D.

Reminds me of a butcher joke:
Old lady with poor vision walks past the butchers shop and sees a sign in the window: Rissoles, $1 a dozen
So she goes into the shop and says "I'll have a dozen pissholes please"
The butcher says to her " that's not a P, love, it's an R"
She replies " Fine. I'll have a dozen arseholes"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 06, 2015, 07:16:22 am
At a rural nursery school the teacher asks the children for some farmyard impressions. The first child gets up and says, "moo moo" to great applause, the second, "baa baa" again to great applause. The third child stands up and shouts " get out of my tractor you bastard".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 12, 2015, 08:04:55 am
What does one call an intelligent Blonde ? ---- A Yellow Lab ~!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 12, 2015, 09:30:22 am
Hehe, reminds me of the time I bumped into my landscape gardener friend, every now and then he looked over his shoulder and shouted " green side up" I looked at him in bewilderment " it's o.k. I've got a couple of blondes laying turf ".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 13, 2015, 12:54:10 am
The subject often comes up as to why Scotsmen wear kilts.  The answer is quite simple-- a sheep can detect a zipper from hundreds if feet away. !~
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Farmer_John on November 13, 2015, 03:44:05 am
Work on it...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: p144 on November 13, 2015, 04:22:20 am
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 13, 2015, 06:26:42 am
A gentleman traveling first class on a luxury airliner notices the drop dead stewardess and asks "Afternoon Miss, may I ask your name"  " Angelica Benz " was her reply.  "Any relation to the Mercedes Benz people?" he asked.  "Not really, but we are close." she replied. "How close?" he asked.  "Same price!" she replied.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 13, 2015, 05:49:21 pm
As a Scotsman I prefer trousers with a button fly. These American tourists with their fancy newfangled zippers. I don't know, whatever next? ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 13, 2015, 09:43:27 pm
The door to a patients room at a large hospital flew open and a wild eyed male patient came charging out of it and headed down the hall at top speed with the open rear of his gown flapping in the wind.

Right behind him, a nurse carrying a pan of boiling water was gaining on him as he turned the corner at a distant hallway.

Dr. Brinkley, watching them disappear into the distance said to the Head nurse standing next to him, "Miss Newcome has to be the stupidest nurse I've ever seen.  She always gets my instructions turned around."

The Head nurse asked, "What did you tell her?"

The doctor replied, "I told her to prick his boil." 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on November 13, 2015, 11:44:33 pm
Scotland, Where Men are Men and Sheep are Nervous. 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 14, 2015, 10:59:40 am
A friend of mine made love to his girlfriend in front of her mother." What did she say?" I asked.
BAAAAAAAA!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 18, 2015, 11:04:25 pm
A member of a religious sect was going door to door handing out printed pamphlets and asking to come in to talk.

When he got to my house and offered the printed information and asked to come in I greeted him with a big smile and said, "Come in, by all means and have a seat on the couch."

Once seated I said, "Now, what did you want to talk about?"

He replied, "I don't know.  I never got this far before."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 21, 2015, 05:14:20 pm
A young mother is out walking, carrying her baby when a man looks at the child and says " my God that's the ugliest child I've ever seen". The mother bursts in to tears. A caring older woman stops to comfort her and asks what's wrong. "That man, he was very rude" she replies pointing. "Well" says the older woman,, "You just go and give him a piece of your mind, and I'll hold your monkey for you".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on November 21, 2015, 06:34:14 pm
  ;D

 Thanks Br. Malky, I've not laughed that hard in a month or more !

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 26, 2015, 08:59:13 pm
A new sociological team published a study this week that found that on average, an American under 75 can expect to have intimate relations one to three times a week.

The study also found that equivalent Japanese in the same age group have a significantly lower frequency: Only once or twice a year.   

This came as very upsetting news to many of my friends, who had no idea that they were actually Japanese.       
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on November 26, 2015, 09:04:34 pm
 :o

 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on November 27, 2015, 12:31:39 pm
Topical...

(http://www.newyorker.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Chast_2010_11_22_0071215-Thanksgiving-Slideshow2-600.jpg)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on November 27, 2015, 03:59:07 pm
You know someone was dealing with this yesterday.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 28, 2015, 08:39:12 am
This is a true story.
I was at a bike rally a few years ago and found myself looking at a Russian Planeta 350 two stroke heavily chained to a tree. Another motorcyclist handed me a beer and asked if the bike was mine, I told him it wasn't to which he replied " it must be a valuable tree".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 01, 2015, 04:09:44 am
The Blonde call United Airlines : "Could you tell me how long it takes to Fly from New York City to Los Angeles."  The agent replies "Just a minute" ---The Blonde replies "Thank You." and hangs up.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on December 02, 2015, 01:20:38 pm
 Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

 So I looked around my house to see things I'd started & hadn't finished, then I finished off a bottle of Vodka, a bodle of Baleys, a botle of wum, a pock of Prungles, 1/2 chesecke an a bocs a choclezt. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feeel now. Plese sned dhis orn to dem yu fel ar in ned ov innr piss
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: greenie on December 03, 2015, 12:03:12 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 04, 2015, 04:32:58 am
A blond woman was standing in front of the judge, charged with assaulting her husband by beating him with his own guitars.

The judge said, "First offender?"

"No", the woman said, "First the Gibson and next, the Fender".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 04, 2015, 07:58:33 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 04, 2015, 10:44:39 pm
Two guys having a beer in a local bar, one says to the other, "you know, my wife's an angel". The other guy looks at him and replies, " you lucky bastard, mine's still alive.".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 04, 2015, 11:54:26 pm
   A man walks into a bar with his dog.
   Bartender says "Hey! No dogs allowed!"
   Man: "But this is a very special dog."
   Bartender: "What makes him so special?"
   Man: "His name is Rover, he talks, and he'll go across the street to your competition and get us a keg of beer."
   Bartender: "Prove it and he can stay."
   The man gives Rover a $50 bill and instructs him to go across the street and get a keg for them. Rover takes the money in his mouth and heads out the door.
   Some time later, the men were wondering what was the delay getting their beer, so the man heads out the door to see what's wrong. To his great surprise Rover was in the middle of an act of love with a very spicy poodle.
   "Rover! I'm shocked! I can't believe this! I've never seen you like this!"
   Rover replied "You never gave me a $50."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 07, 2015, 06:15:29 am
Should wake up up a party ---
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 11, 2015, 08:49:09 pm
I'm thinking of adapting one of these for my Enfield, what do you think?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 13, 2015, 06:17:10 pm
And creosoted, no less!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 17, 2015, 05:50:05 pm
This guy's snowmobile starts running rough so he takes it to the repair shop, " you've blown a seal " says the mechanic. "No " replies the guy " it's frost on my moustache."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 19, 2015, 04:58:30 am
Guy walks into a porn shop ---Clerk:  "What can I do for you?" ---Customer: I would like an inflatable doll !"---Clerk: "Male of Female?" --Customer: "Female!"  Clerk: Black or White?" Customer: 'White !"---Clerk: " Christian, Jewish, or Muslim?"--- Customer: " Just what in the hell does Religion have to do with anything ?" ---Clerk: " The Muslim doll blows itself up!"-----
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 19, 2015, 11:48:36 am
I've chocked on my bacon roll.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 19, 2015, 04:16:10 pm
Who's Santa's favorite singer?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on December 19, 2015, 07:09:00 pm
The Americans will understand this one.

A man and his dog go into a bar. The man says to the bartender "This dog is able to speak English".
The bartender says "Prove it!"
The man says "Give me a double Jack on the rocks and I'll show you".
The bartender pours the drink, the man downs it and says to the dog "What's on top of this building?"
The dog says "Roof! Roof!"
The bartender says "What a fraud!  You owe me for the drink!"
The man says "Okay, let's try it again. Another bourbon and I'll ask him another question"
The skeptical bartender pours another, the man downs it and asks the dog "What condition is the world in these days?"
The dog says "Rough! Rough!"
The bartender says "I thought so! A complete scam! Get out of here with your damn dog!"
The man says "One more time, please! I promise the dog will say something you understand!"
The bartender says "Okay, once more but it better be good!"
The man says "Who was the best baseball player ever?"
The dog says "Ruth! Ruth!" whereupon the bartender tosses the man and his dog out on the street. 
The dog turns to the man sitting on the curb and says "I guess he must have liked Willie Mays better".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 19, 2015, 07:17:28 pm
I get it now after googling Willie Mays. :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 19, 2015, 07:33:52 pm
The British Queen is on a visit to Australia. The Australian premier during discussions, brings up independence. " but what would your country be? " asks the queen." A principality" replies the premier. " but your not a prince" replies the queen. "What about a kingdom then ?" Replies the premier." No" says the Queen." Your not a king." " do you have a suggestion then?" Asks the premier. "Yes" says the Queen. "Being called a country is sufficient."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on December 22, 2015, 06:34:10 am
For those of you who are struggling for a gift " for the man who has everything " this could be the answer.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on January 07, 2016, 12:55:12 pm
No offense meant to our Japanese members:
In a fourth grade classroom the teacher asks her class, "Who said 'give me liberty or give me death'"?
No one raised their hand at first, but then an Asian boy whose family had recently moved to the US from Japan raised his hand, and when called on by the teacher said, "That was Patrick Henry to the Virginia Convention in 1775".
The teacher said, "Right! And now aren't the rest of you ashamed?  Here's a student who has lived in this country for only a few weeks and he knows more American history than you who were born here!  You have a homework assignment due tomorrow: read pages 127 to 141 of your text and write a 300 word summary to be handed in".
A different voice in the back of the room says, "Damn the damn Japs!"
The teacher spins around to face the class and demands, "WHO SAID THAT?"
The voice in the back says, "General Douglas MacArthur, the Philippines, 1942".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on January 10, 2016, 04:52:45 pm
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/10500582_10152994571717962_5289523289199198960_n.jpg?oh=88c18ee6c2e89198c85a1c5907d695a8&oe=57049561)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on January 20, 2016, 03:54:28 pm
Small boy comes home from school to see his father relaxing on the porch smoking a cigarette. " Hey dad, give me one of your smokes" he shouts. The father looks round to see his son with his wife who is scowling in disgust. "What kind of son have we brought up ? Eleven years old and he's already asking his own father for cigarettes, have a word with the boy right now" she says. "  O.k. son" says the father, you're not getting one of my smokes, go and buy your own"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on January 20, 2016, 06:43:00 pm
Son goes to Father -"Pappa canna you give me fivea dollars--- Father " Wassa for?" Son "I wanna buy a Guinea pig"  Father - "How about I giva you Twentya dollars and get a nice Italian girl"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 25, 2016, 01:41:59 am
So why did the chicken cross the road? (I really like the last reason.)

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: i.candide on January 28, 2016, 02:44:05 am
Perfect Employee

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 29, 2016, 10:51:13 pm
Stress!!! You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful! You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on February 06, 2016, 08:21:15 pm
Sad day today. My nephew's pet mouse Elvis died.
It was caught in a trap.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: AgentX on February 06, 2016, 10:25:42 pm
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on February 07, 2016, 12:18:21 pm
A doctor pays a visit to three old guys in a rest home for their regular memory test. He asks them all the same question, what's 2 + 2.
The first one answers 39.
The second one answers October.
The third one answers 4.
" Brilliant" replies the doctor " now how did you get that answer?"
"I subtracted 39 from October" replies the old guy.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 04:59:50 pm
Malky - that must be the same three hard-of-hearing guys who were riding on the London subway... arriving at a station:
The first guy says, "Is this Wembley?"
The second answers, "No it's Thursday."
The third guys says, "Me too, let's get us a pint at the pub!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on February 07, 2016, 05:18:30 pm
No they were the the three who wet skiing. The first two were arguing as to whether you zig zaged, or zag ziged down the slope, when they asked the third to resolve the argument he couldn't because he was a tobacconist.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 05:42:17 pm
when they asked the third to resolve the argument he couldn't because he was a tobacconist.

Hmm... give me a minute...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on February 07, 2016, 05:49:11 pm
Tobogganing.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on February 07, 2016, 05:54:47 pm
Let me give you a hint of WHAT they were rollen'

(http://thumb7.shutterstock.com/display_pic_with_logo/776008/776008,1324189934,1/stock-photo-a-cartoon-pothead-man-smoking-a-joint-90989846.jpg)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 05:57:24 pm
Tobogganing.

(http://advrider.com/styles/advrider_smilies/fpalm.gif)

I was gonna chastise you for not giving me a chance, but never mind - I never would have gotten it. 

Ironic, since this very weekend my town is holding the annual "World Tobogganing Championships"...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on February 07, 2016, 08:30:45 pm
I don't know who made snopes the decider, but... sorry:

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp   :(

           Mattsz, you changed DanB's original post (Reply#61) when you quoted him in your Reply#64. DanB's original post sez: "The following is NOT a question.... ". In his quote (in your Reply#64) you have deleted the word 'not'.

             Are you a politician  ???(http://)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 08:59:11 pm
           Mattsz, you changed DanB's original post (Reply#61) when you quoted him in your Reply#64. DanB's original post sez: "The following is NOT a question.... ". In his quote (in your Reply#64) you have deleted the word 'not'.

             Are you a politician  ???(http://)

Nope.

I quoted it as it was written.  The original post was edited a day later...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on February 07, 2016, 09:30:51 pm
Nope.

I quoted it as it was written.  The original post was edited a day later...

             Can you give me DanB's original original Reply number because I thought it was #61 which contains the word NOT in its first sentence as plain as the nose on your face (or the nose on MY face  ;) ).

              In your quote of it (#64) the word 'not' is gone.

               I'm so confused ....   ???(http://)    :-[(http://)   
             
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 09:59:36 pm
             Can you give me DanB's original original Reply number because I thought it was #61 which contains the word NOT in its first sentence as plain as the nose on your face (or the nose on MY face  ;) ).

              In your quote of it (#64) the word 'not' is gone.

               I'm so confused ....   ???    :-[(http://)   
             

On 9/25, DanB posted #61.  On 9/26, I quoted part of it, as originally written, in #63.  On 9/27, DanB edited his post #61, presumably (and I am making an assumption here) to correct the opening statement, after I posted a snopes link which questions the truth of the claim.

Bare, I thought, indicated he got the joke when he in turn questioned snopes's credibility.

This is the joke thread - don't sweat it, man!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on February 07, 2016, 10:55:46 pm
On 9/25, DanB posted #61.  On 9/26, I quoted part of it, as originally written, in #63.  On 9/27, DanB edited his post #61, presumably (and I am making an assumption here) to correct the opening statement, after I posted a snopes link which questions the truth of the claim.

Bare, I thought, indicated he got the joke when he in turn questioned snopes's credibility.

This is the joke thread - don't sweat it, man!  ;D

            I'm not sweating anything. I'm just a detail and accuracy freak and it jumped out at me as plain as O.J.'s guilt .

         If I understand you correctly, DanB went in and ADDed the word not? I assumed (from reading it) that the not was original. So solly. I see now that I never SAW the original.

         If that is true then it explains my confusion and you should understand why I thought YOU deleted it in your quote which you didn't.

       All is now right with the world (about which NOTHING is right  :o ).

       Carry on and thanks for all the fish   :)(http://) 

        PS: Have I told my clown joke?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 07, 2016, 11:17:35 pm
A small girl walked into a expensive clothing store wearing a back pack on her back.

She walked up to the counter and said, "Hey mister.  How much does that nice purse cost?"

The salesman glanced at the price tag and said, "This purse is rather expensive.  It costs $50."

The little girl said, "I'll buy it." and reached into her back pack, pulling out a large bag.

She dumped the bags contents on the counter which resulted in a very large pile of quarters.

As she was placing them in piles of four the salesman said,
"My goodness!  Did you hoard all of those quarters yourself?"

The little girl looked up from her counting and said, "No.  My sister whored half of them."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 07, 2016, 11:43:29 pm
A small girl walked into a expensive clothing store wearing a back pack on her back...

Better written than heard, I think?  ;)


So solly. I see now that I never SAW the original.

No worries... it's exactly why I sometimes don't like the ability to edit posts.  One gets changed, but quotes further down the line remain.  It can get confusing!

Quote
PS: Have I told my clown joke?

Not here - have at it!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on February 08, 2016, 01:24:46 am
Not here - have at it!

           The cooks for a tribe of cannibals in deepest, darkest Borneo have just finished cooking and serving up a clown that was captured (don't ask) and dressed out earlier in the day.

            After their first few bites, one cannibal turns to another and asks: "Does this taste funny to you"?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on February 08, 2016, 11:10:24 am


After their first few bites, one cannibal turns to another and asks: "Does this taste funny to you"?

 ;D

I feel bad for that clown's replacement - those are some big shoes to fill!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 08, 2016, 10:50:03 pm
Speaking of eating,

A hungry lion was studying two adventurers as they were resting underneath a tree.

One of them was busy writing the highlights of their journey in his diary.
The other was reading a large book.

It took the lion no time at all to make up his mind so he leaped on the reader and promptly ate him.

Why?

Because as we all know, "writers cramp" but Readers Digest©. 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on February 09, 2016, 12:22:48 am
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on March 11, 2016, 09:46:34 am
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bLxLmFhROqY#
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on March 11, 2016, 10:33:28 am
It's funny even without subtitles!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Guaire on March 11, 2016, 03:12:53 pm
You poorfert!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 11, 2016, 10:14:08 pm
A very portly woman was riding down a trail with a group of others on horseback.

While they were riding at a slow trot, her horse began emitting a series of loud farts with a "rip....rip....rip...rip" sound.

The woman turned around and noticed the rider behind her was staring in her direction.
Being greatly embarrassed and not knowing what to say she said, "Oh, please forgive me."

The rider behind her said, "Oh!  Was that you?  I thought it was your horse."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Adrian II on March 11, 2016, 10:16:37 pm
malky,

I don't remember Chewin the Fat being shown nationally in the UK, but I remember this one...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTsvLjAzozE

A.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 21, 2016, 10:31:19 pm
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on March 22, 2016, 08:11:05 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping holiday.
At night Holmes asks Watson, " When you see all those stars up there what can you deduce?
"well" replies Watson " there is a distinct possibility that other life exists beyond our planet"
'No" replies Holmes, "Someone has stolen our tent"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on March 22, 2016, 07:31:11 pm
==A new birth control for men has just been approved by the FDA.  Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp ==
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 24, 2016, 10:15:36 pm
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway... Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE......... The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they’re okay, then it's you.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 24, 2016, 10:16:38 pm
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:
1. Cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was...water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
The conclusion is obvious.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on March 25, 2016, 08:25:35 am
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Hilarious, brilliant! ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 30, 2016, 02:53:09 pm
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schaumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on March 30, 2016, 08:09:46 pm
This is hilarious on so many levels.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 03, 2016, 02:43:00 pm
This is a good one.   ;D

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on ... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding ... I work for the Government, too. Are you federal or state?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on April 03, 2016, 03:06:45 pm
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 
For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine.
 
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
 
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.  The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
 
"What in bag?"- asked the old man.
 
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said:  -"It's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife."   

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.  Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: - "Good trade!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 04, 2016, 02:05:18 am
Speaking of Navajo's, the time period is back in the late 1800's when the railroads were popular and two salesmen were traveling aboard a Santa-Fe passenger train.

The train stopped at a small town in Arizona to take on water so the salesmen got off to stretch their legs.

Noting an old Navajo sitting on the steps, one of the salesmen said, "You know?  They say those old Indians never forget.
I think I'll ask him a question to see just how good his memory is."

Walking over to the old Indian the salesman said, "Hi Chief!  Can you tell me what you had for breakfast one year ago today?"

The old Navajo glanced up and said, "Eggs."

"Eggs?" said the salesman.  "How were they cooked?"

Before the Indian could answer, the train whistle blew and the Conductor shoved the salesmen back onto the train.

Two years later, the same two salesmen were riding the train thru Arizona and again, it stopped for water at the same small town.

Getting off of the train, one of the salesmen pointed at the old Indian and said, "Hey.  You remember him?  I had asked him a question and I never did get to hear the whole answer."

Walking over to the old Navajo the salesman said, "Hi Chief.  Remember me?"

The Indian looked up at him and said, "Fried."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 06, 2016, 08:48:36 am
Do I recall someone cracking the old, Scotland where men are men and sheep are nervous, joke?? ;)

Touche'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 06, 2016, 07:51:49 pm
I heard a Scotsman say,

"I never have made a U-turn but she did roll her eyes a bit."


(Hint: U > ewe )
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 06, 2016, 08:02:43 pm
What do you call an American at St Andrews university?

Janitor. ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 07, 2016, 10:17:14 am
What do you call an American at St Andrews university?

Janitor. ;D

hey, HEY!  >:( That's "sanitation engineer" to you!  ;)

For all the various duties my job - running a passenger/vehicle ferry - requires, the very first item on the official state-sanctioned job description is, basically, janitor...  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 10, 2016, 09:10:59 pm
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on April 12, 2016, 02:38:00 am
Older gentleman applies for a job and is interviewed by  the human relations manager.
HR manager:  " What do you consider your biggest fault?"
Older applicant:  "Honesty !"
HR manager: " Well, I wouldn't consider honesty a fault!"
Older applicant:  "Well I don't give a shit what you consider"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 12, 2016, 10:30:48 am
"Well I don't give a shit what you consider"

Love this classic!  Thanks for bringing it back...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 15, 2016, 08:29:25 am
.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 15, 2016, 11:11:37 pm
After reading the Petition for Divorce, the magistrate looked at the  96 year old man and his 94 year old wife, standing before him.

"I'm curious" he said.
"Why are you applying for a divorce after 70 years of marriage?"

The old woman said, "We didn't want to upset the children so we had to wait until they had all passed on."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on April 16, 2016, 02:31:03 pm
In other Divorce proceedings...

   After careful consideration of the Petition for Divorce, the court judge looked at the petitioner and said,
"I'm sorry, Mickey Mouse. Our laws don't allow you to divorce Minnie MOuse just because you think she's crazy."
   Mickey replied, "Your Honor. I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f*ckin' Goofy!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 17, 2016, 11:34:36 am
Serious but hilarious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=zp0f-COD4tc
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 19, 2016, 04:49:33 am
A Latin American magician told his audience he would completely disappear at the count of three.

"Uno, dos,"  POOF!

He vanished without a tres.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 19, 2016, 11:08:00 am
A Latin American magician told his audience he would completely disappear at the count of three.

"Uno, dos,"  POOF!

He vanished without a tres.

(http://advrider.com/styles/advrider_smilies/ban.gif)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 22, 2016, 10:11:38 pm
A man who dearly loved his cat needed to make a business trip to Germany so he asked his brother to look after the cat and feed it while he was away.

After several days in Germany,  he finally had an opportunity to call his brother on the phone and the first thing he asked was, "How's my favorite cat?"

His brother said, "Damn cat died."

Greatly shaken with this news, the man shouted, "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?" 
"You know how much that cat meant to me."

His brother said, "Well, what would you have me say then?"

The man said, "Well, you could have said you and the cat were out on the front porch when a big squirrel ran across the driveway and up a tree.
Like a shot, the cat was after it and charged up the tree in close pursuit.

The squirrel jumped from the tree to another tree and the cat tried to follow it but it misjudged the distance and it fell to the ground.
The impact knocked the cat out but quick as a flash, you picked it up and rushed it to the Vet.
The Vet did all he could but sorry to say, the cat passed away."
That's what you could have said."  "By the way, how's mom?"

His brother answered, "Mom and I were out on the front porch when a big squirrel ran across the driveway and up a tree.
Like a shot, mom was after it and charged up the tree..."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on April 22, 2016, 11:06:43 pm
First Prince now this more sad news from the music world

Justin Bieber found alive and well in his hotel room.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 23, 2016, 01:58:27 pm
First Prince now this more sad news from the music world

Justin Bieber found alive and well in his hotel room.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 25, 2016, 03:59:31 pm
These old ads bring back fond memories of the way it used to be.....   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 26, 2016, 12:16:37 am
yeah - love the tapeworm diet!

I've seen the "cola" ad before - for those who can't read the ad copy:

Quote
For a better start in life start COLA earlier!

How soon is too soon?

Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and"fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years.  So, do yourself a favor.  Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.

This helpful advice brought to you by, naturally, The Soda Pop Board of America.  No wonder we're so fµ©ked up here in the US...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 26, 2016, 01:30:11 am
Good for their teeth, too. I sent these ads to my daughter, who lives in Marin County, CA, (where everything has to be pure, certified organic and non-GMO) and she just about had a heart attack just thinking about these old ads.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 26, 2016, 06:00:47 am
 :o
One for the ladies, and one for the stylish gent.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 26, 2016, 10:12:52 am
Low birth weight = easy labor?  If only this were a joke...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 29, 2016, 11:02:58 pm
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we're all going to die."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: finbullet on May 01, 2016, 05:09:57 am
Some finnish humor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19qOlNqbjXs
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ice on May 01, 2016, 06:02:39 am
Some finnish humor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19qOlNqbjXs

  :o  :D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on May 01, 2016, 12:12:15 pm
yeah - love the tapeworm diet!
I've seen the "cola" ad before - for those who can't read the ad copy:
This helpful advice brought to you by, naturally, The Soda Pop Board of America.  No wonder we're so fµ©ked up here in the US...

              They were, no boubt, paid up members of The Lollipop Guild  ???
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on May 01, 2016, 12:18:45 pm
The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10 and the vendor hands over the hot dog.
The Dalai Lama asks, "Where's the change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

 That's even better than the "other" one  :)  ;) ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on May 03, 2016, 11:03:36 am
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
 
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.'
 
'I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
 
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 03, 2016, 11:22:42 am
A group of marines are on arctic maneuvers, their officer orders them out early one morning, standing to attention, in line, completely naked.
The  officer walks up to the first marine and punches him on the nose and asks, " Does that hurt?". "No" replies the marine.
"Why not" asks the officer. "Because I'm a marine sir" comes the reply.
As the officer moves towards the next man he notices the marine has an erection, so he swipes it full force with his swagger stick, and asks " Did that hurt". Again the reply is no.
"Why not?" Asks the officer, "Because it was the man behind me sir".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 04, 2016, 03:11:00 pm
Backseat.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 05, 2016, 06:54:00 am
On a similar vain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=wdsuShabEx8

Sorry, no subtitles available.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on May 05, 2016, 12:54:36 pm
A young lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of Elvis.  The tattoo artist says "I have a lot of pictures you could pick from" and hands her an album.  She chooses one, the artist says "Where would you want me to put this?"

The young lady says "On the inside of my thigh, as high up as possible."

The tattoo artist says "You're kidding!  Really??"

The young lady says "I mean it!"

The tattoo artist says "Okay, if that's what you want. I never did this before. Drop your pants and sit up on the table." 

She does, he does the tattoo, and when he's finished, the young lady takes a look at it and angrily says "That doesn't look like Elvis!''

The Tattoo artist says "Okay, okay, this is a bit weird for me so I'll do the picture on your other thigh for free."

She agrees, he does another tattoo of the picture she chose high up on her other thigh; when he finishes she looks at it and says "And that doesn't look like Elvis either!"

The tattoo artist says "Right, I told you this was strange for me but I don't think the tattoos look that bad.  But you don't like either one, so let's get a third opinion."

He goes out on the street, finds a fellow walking along the sidewalk and says to him "Come in here please, I want to ask you something."

The man comes into the tattoo parlor, sees the young lady with her pants down sitting on the table with her knees well apart, and thinks to himself "What the hell could this be?"

The tattoo artist says to him "Take a careful look there", pointing at the tattoos, and asks "What famous singer do you see?"

The man rubs his chin and after a moment he says, "Well, I don't know who the twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 07, 2016, 11:42:21 am


The man rubs his chin and after a moment he says, "Well, I don't know who the twins are, but the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson".

I don't fully know how humour travels across the Atlantic, but that punch line works very well on two levels. Think about it.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Uncle Billy on May 07, 2016, 01:23:49 pm
Two cowboys in Texas are sitting on their horses watching the herd of cattle and discussing their favorite techniques for making love.  One says he likes the "rodeo" sequence.  The other says, "Rodeo sequence? What's the rodeo sequence?"
The first says, "Well, get her on her hands and knees and do your thing from behind.  Some time in the middle of the action, reach around, take a breast in each hand, gently fondle them, then say to her, 'You know, these are just a little smaller than your sister's', and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds."


(in rodeo events, staying on a bucking horse or bull for 8 seconds is required to earn a score)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 07, 2016, 01:41:21 pm
Donald Trumps greenkeeper at his Aberdeenshire golf course got the sack.
He found a bald patch on the ninth hole so he let the grass grow longer on one side and combed it over.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 12, 2016, 08:07:22 pm
A friend of mine was crossing the road one day when a van driver had to make an emergency stop to avoid running him over. My friend got a facial injury from the vehicles aerial whiplash. After two weeks the scar had become poisonous resulting in a visit to the clinic.
The doctor diagnosed a severe case of vanaerial disease.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mevocgt on May 12, 2016, 08:22:38 pm
Hay Malky, do you know how to tell a hormone from a vitamin?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 12, 2016, 08:34:59 pm
Hay Malky, do you know how to tell a hormone from a vitamin?

Tell me?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mevocgt on May 12, 2016, 09:16:11 pm
Ya can't hear a vitamin????
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 12, 2016, 09:20:53 pm
Ya can't hear a vitamin????

Do you know how to make a hormone?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mevocgt on May 12, 2016, 09:22:36 pm
Do you know how to make a hormone?
By telling her that joke? :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 12, 2016, 09:29:25 pm
By telling her that joke? :o

No, don't pay her.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 16, 2016, 11:21:04 pm
If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, Within ten years they'll have disappeared...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mevocgt on May 17, 2016, 01:51:12 am
If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, Within ten years they'll have disappeared...
That's funny because it's true....????
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 17, 2016, 03:16:18 pm
British Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,
the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union in Brussels,
renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
    The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.
    Costing €850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.
    The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.
    The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
    Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.
    The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.
    Sailors will only work a maximum of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.
    All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a gay disco.
    Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.
    The RN eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy & the lash" so the rum ration has gone, replaced by sparkling water.
    Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.
    Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".
    All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.
    Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches.  This applies equally to female crew.
    The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.
    The Union Jack must never be seen.
    The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.
    She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays the Village People's "In the Navy".
    Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.
    The New Prime Minister Jeremy Corbyn said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels".
    His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.  ;D

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on May 17, 2016, 03:41:49 pm
Perhaps not far from the truth. ::)

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2016/apr/17/boaty-mcboatface-wins-poll-to-name-polar-research-vessel
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 17, 2016, 10:11:37 pm
Perhaps not far from the truth. ::)

http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2016/apr/17/boaty-mcboatface-wins-poll-to-name-polar-research-vessel

Internet democracy in action.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on May 22, 2016, 07:56:17 pm
https://youtu.be/p27UJKNdpf0

 ;D ;D ;D  ... and I thought it was missmanagement & incompetence
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on May 22, 2016, 11:45:01 pm
An old duffer was sitting in the clubhouse at his golf club sipping on a beer.

He said to another, "That was the toughest 9 holes I've ever played in my life."

The other duffer said, "What was the problem?"

The first said,
"Well, me and my friend Harry Blackmore decided to play a round or 18 holes this morning.
'Things were going fine until we got to the 9th green where Harry had a massive heart attack and died.'
For the next 9 holes it was sheer hell.
'Hit the ball....drag Harry....hit the ball...drag Harry...."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 23, 2016, 02:38:36 pm
A man was sitting on his front porch when it started to rain. The rain came down harder and harder and the man realized that it was a flood. So the flood waters were rising and when the water started to spill over the porch, a man in a rowboat comes by. And the man in the rowboat says, "Need any help?" But the man said, "Nope, the Lord'll take care of me!" A few hours later, the man was standing on a chair on his front porch and another rowboat comes by.  And the man inside yells, "Need any help?" But the man smiles and says, "Nope, the Lord'll take care of me!" A few hours later, the man is on his roof and a helicopter comes by and the pilot inside yells, "Need any help?!" But the man just says, "Nope! The Lord'll take care of me!"

A few hours later, the flood gets to be too much for the man and he drowns.  When he enters Heaven, he asks the Lord, "Lord, why didn't you take care of me?" The Lord says, "Well, I sent you two rowboats and a helicopter!"  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 11, 2016, 02:50:40 pm
This is a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks 5 or 6 questions which he answered quite simply and she is speechless after answering only one question:      Critical Thinking At Its Best!
    Woman:
    Do you drink beer ?
    Man: Yes

    Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    Man:
    Usually about 3

    Woman:
    How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

    Woman:
    And how long have you been drinking?

    Man:
    About 20 years, I suppose

    Woman:
    So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00 . In one year , it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

    Man:
    Correct

    Woman:
    Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    Woman:
    No .

    Man:
    Where's your Ferrari?

     ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Blltrdr on June 11, 2016, 04:18:54 pm
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=f63_1261526636
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on June 12, 2016, 12:07:22 pm
Question.
What is the difference between a horse and a: ( insert name of preferred motorcycle )

Answer.
The position of the arsehole.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on June 16, 2016, 08:51:58 pm
In the Irish news.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=WOdz7Ig_dCg
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on June 16, 2016, 08:58:28 pm
In the Irish news.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=WOdz7Ig_dCg


OK then...remind my never to smack a Irishman in the butt.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Adrian II on June 16, 2016, 10:29:48 pm
She ALMOST kept a straight face...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 16, 2016, 11:54:18 pm
The Lone Ranger was surrounded by angry outlaws but he was keeping them at a distance with his trusty revolver and silver bullets.

He called his horse Silver over and whispered into his ear and the horse immediately charged off into the distance.

The battle raged on for a while before the outlaws gave up the struggle and suddenly, there appeared Silver, followed by several horses with dressed up bar-room girls on their backs.

After they had trotted down to the Lone Ranger he grabbed Silvers halter and looking him right in the eyes he said,

"Next time, read my lips.
I said, 'Go get the posse."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on June 17, 2016, 02:05:54 am
LOL!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on June 25, 2016, 11:21:08 am
She ALMOST kept a straight face...
See if you can keep a straight face with this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=esOiB_fanzI

Plus the U.K. driving test.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=GVMRw3mBo_o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 28, 2016, 07:58:58 pm
On a televised late night talk show, the host asked the question, "How many of you married folks make love every night?"

A few hands in the audience went up.

The host then asked, "How many of you married folks make love once a week?"

A lot of hands went up.

He then asked, "How many of you make love only once a month?"

Several hands went up.

He then asked, "How many of you make love with your wife only once a year?"

Half way back in the audience, one guy jumped up and shouted, "I DO!", "I DO!"

The host asked, "You and your wife only make love once a year?  What are you jumping around for?"

The man said, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on June 28, 2016, 11:15:24 pm
Billy Connolly at his best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=QY3Ng5kDWUo
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 05, 2016, 03:16:23 pm
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked,
'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today there are dozens of baby chicks running about so they are laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 05, 2016, 10:54:27 pm
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on July 05, 2016, 11:12:29 pm
#s 1 and 4 to be printed, laminated and posted in the shed!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 06, 2016, 09:48:09 pm
My local newspaper published a good cartoon today on the editorial page - especially if you are not a big fan of ambulance-chasing lawyers.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on July 06, 2016, 10:36:34 pm
Pearls to swine is the best!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on July 07, 2016, 03:45:49 pm
This one is currently gaining popularity in Sweden:

What is difference between Mrs. Merkel and the Swedish Premier minister Mr. Lövén?

Merkel has got balls.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 10, 2016, 02:19:24 pm
The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on July 10, 2016, 02:20:53 pm
The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

 ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on July 10, 2016, 09:35:24 pm
A man goes to his doctor and tells him he hasn't had a bowel movement for three days.

The doctor says, "I'll prescribe some suppositories for you.  Take one when you get up, when you eat lunch and right before bedtime.
Come back to see me in three days."

Three days later the rather haggard looking man returns to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "Well, how are you feeling?  Did the suppositories work?"

The man says, "Doc.  For all the good those damn things did, I should have shoved them up my ass!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 10, 2016, 11:13:16 pm
I do like this newspaper cartoon.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on July 11, 2016, 07:24:33 am
George and Martha have been married for forty years.  One night, lying in bed, Martha is surprised feeling Georges hand fondling her ankle, then her calf and knee then working up her thigh close to her crotch where he stops.  "Oh George, why did you stop?" ---George replies "I found the remote."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on July 13, 2016, 05:51:51 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjDYNSrTlvk
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 18, 2016, 10:35:57 pm
I came across some new cartoons that are kind of funny.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 21, 2016, 08:55:41 pm
More cartoons worth looking at, these from my local newspaper today.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on July 22, 2016, 04:47:55 am
+1 on #2!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 22, 2016, 10:33:29 pm
More newspaper cartoons.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 25, 2016, 02:47:53 pm
Finally, an explanation of what is wrong with society.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on July 26, 2016, 05:21:28 am
Bill sat on a bar stool at the local tavern, staring at the glass in front of him.

A large, loud mouthed man came into the tavern and casting insults at everyone in sight, walked over to where Bill was sitting, grabbed his drink and in one big gulp, drank it, laughing loudly as he slammed the empty glass back on the bar.

Bill broke into tears, sobbing dreadfully.

The loudmouth said, "Whoa!  Take it easy buddy.  I was just having some fun and I can't stand to see a grown man cry.
Tell you what.  I'll buy you another drink."

Bill looked up and between sobs said, "You don't understand.  I can't win for loosing."

"A week ago, I lost the love of my life.
My beautiful wife died while giving birth to my son."

"My newborn son had a heart problem and the doctors couldn't do a thing to help him.  Within two days, he too passed away."

"I was so depressed, I couldn't do my job.
  Yesterday, my boss called me into his office and told me I was worthless and fired me on the spot.  He didn't even pay me."

"Last night, I drank a whole bottle of Scotch and it didn't help a bit."

"Now, you come into this tavern, walked over to where I am sitting and drank the whole glass of poison I was going to drink."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 30, 2016, 03:56:04 pm
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example...  A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the
blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.  "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say hello?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 02, 2016, 01:32:44 am
Plumbers' crack camouflage.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on August 04, 2016, 11:17:02 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 04, 2016, 03:31:06 pm
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.  ;D

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 04, 2016, 03:32:52 pm
Poor dog.  He just wants to be friends. Will you help him out?  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on August 04, 2016, 07:04:17 pm
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.  ;D



Ha ha! Makes a pleasant change from Coots sheep jokes. ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on August 04, 2016, 08:32:52 pm
Ha ha! Makes a pleasant change from Coots sheep jokes. ;D

Jeez, one little joke and you'd think I hated to Scots. I'm NOT prejudice...I pick on everyone Equally.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on August 16, 2016, 01:41:27 am
Fred, a man in his 60's, was feeding his dog one day and decided to taste the dog food.

It was beyond wonderful so he started buying extra cans of it so he could enjoy eating it.

When he told a friend about his discovery the friend said, "Oh my God!  Don't eat the dog food.  It will kill you."

Fred ignored his friends advice and continued to eat dog food.

A few months later, Fred died.
At the funeral, his friend walked up to Fred's wife and said, "I'm so saddened about Fred's passing but I warned him that eating dog food would kill him.

Fred's wife said, "Oh.  It wasn't the dog food that killed him.
He was laying on the couch licking his ass and fell off, breaking his neck."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 17, 2016, 03:14:27 pm
    Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
    Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
    snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
    personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
    father."

    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
    boxing, but none of them really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
    expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
    it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
    president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
    eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
    before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
    Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on August 18, 2016, 10:59:07 am
    Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
    Olympics that they would like to take back:

Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 18, 2016, 02:38:42 pm
Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...

Who knows?  They came from the internet, so anything is possible - especially when it comes to jokes.  But the way the world is now, they might be actual quotes.  ;)  Just listen to our presidential candidates for examples of this trend.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on August 18, 2016, 02:48:29 pm
I really used to enjoy Bush Jr's presidential quotes. I'm sure if you googled them there would be quite a hilarious list!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 18, 2016, 03:08:36 pm
    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
    The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
    Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
    The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
    “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
    The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 18, 2016, 03:09:33 pm
This is cute.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 18, 2016, 10:51:12 pm
    Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
    'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner? Still no response.
    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
    So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'     (I just love this)
    'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on August 21, 2016, 02:06:01 am
'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

I didn't see that coming!  Hilarious - that one's making the rounds of my personal contacts...

Here's something - not a joke, really... do computers have a sense of humor?  I say, "yes".  Attached below is a screen shot of my Mac's "Finder" (file explorer) window, exactly the way it opened on my computer (except a couple of added privacy blocks):
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on August 21, 2016, 03:15:16 am
I think you just gave yourself a new moniker.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on August 21, 2016, 11:20:41 am
I think you just gave yourself a new moniker.  ;)

Self-inflicted...  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on August 21, 2016, 10:46:49 pm
Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...

These are real. From the late famous uk sport's commentator.David Coleman.

"He is one of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him."

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."

"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind."
"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62."

"And the line-up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

"The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel."

"The Republic of China: back in the Olympic Games for the first time."

"That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

"Forest have now lost six matches without winning."

"There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"He's seven seconds ahead and that's a good question."

"I think there is no doubt, she'll probably qualify for the final."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 22, 2016, 02:57:22 pm
Subject: Camp Letter:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Johnny
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 22, 2016, 02:58:12 pm
Checkout.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on August 22, 2016, 04:04:29 pm
That sounds like a fun camp!  Just don't go in the scoutmasters tent. :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 23, 2016, 03:22:23 pm
INTERNET PUNS:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The 
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion 
allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in 
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't 
have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal, transcend dental medication. 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on August 26, 2016, 08:53:21 am
Reminded me of the two Maggots making love in dead Earnest
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 26, 2016, 10:22:38 pm
Chickens in politics just trying to cross the road:   ;D

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep the chickens from crossing the road, and we will make the chickens pay for it.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road..
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with that chicken..
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery.
SARAH PALIN: Because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.
OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so he can just drive across the road.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2015, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.
  BERNIE SANDERS:  All the eggs this chicken laid on the other side of the road, need to be shared equally with all other chickens, even if they didn't lay eggs...
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one???
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 27, 2016, 02:57:42 pm
I know how everyone on this forum loves a good bureaucratic tale and here is a good one:

This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, 
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS 

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 28, 2016, 02:24:14 pm
2016 Wedding Announcement
Today's generation daughter texts Dad.
"Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon.
Get out your check book. LOL!!! "
"I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber."
"My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding!
Lots of love and thanks, from your favorite daughter. Lilly"

Lilly's Dad's reply (also texting)... (Dad has it all together)
"My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever!"
"I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon,
and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay!"
L.O.L. Daddy!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 28, 2016, 11:07:00 pm
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it,
Then my illegal logging business is a success.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 29, 2016, 10:52:25 pm
Four funny cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 01, 2016, 04:19:36 pm
Guts vs. Balls  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 01, 2016, 06:10:29 pm
An excellent description, Otto.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 02, 2016, 03:37:46 pm
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 03, 2016, 10:30:29 am
A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes. Little Tyrone stood up and yelled: "FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!”

Is that the same Tyrone, that when asked to make a farm yard impression yelled: "GET OFF MY TRACTOR YOU BA$#ARD".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 04, 2016, 02:54:55 pm
Looters.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 05, 2016, 03:19:24 pm
A Texas Woodpecker and a North Carolina Woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Texas Woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The North Carolina Woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas Woodpecker was in awe. The North Carolina Woodpecker then challenged the Texas Woodpecker to peck a tree in North Carolina that was absolutely un-peckable. The Texas Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to North Carolina, the Texas Woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How could it be that the North Carolina Woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas Woodpecker was able to peck the North Carolina tree, when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 05, 2016, 03:51:12 pm
A Texas Woodpecker and a North Carolina Woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Texas Woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The North Carolina Woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Texas Woodpecker was in awe. The North Carolina Woodpecker then challenged the Texas Woodpecker to peck a tree in North Carolina that was absolutely un-peckable. The Texas Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to North Carolina, the Texas Woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How could it be that the North Carolina Woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas Woodpecker was able to peck the North Carolina tree, when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.  ;D

HA-HA: Very true. I know lot of woodpeckers, I was really impressed with their pecking capabilities. That was untill I met them in their own habbitat.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 06, 2016, 01:18:16 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on September 06, 2016, 02:18:53 pm


 :o  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 06, 2016, 02:56:20 pm
Not a bad definition of HP and torque. It does kind of get the idea across.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 06, 2016, 03:46:12 pm
Ouch!  That had to hurt.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 08, 2016, 12:48:28 am
Shortly after the creation of man, the various body parts got to talking.

The brain, being somewhat self centered said to the other parts, "I am in charge around here.  I do all the thinking so I alone should do all of the controlling."

The stomach said, "I disagree.   I process all of the food and supply you and all the other body parts with the energy and minerals you all need to function.  Therefore, I should be in charge."

While a rousing debate between the brain and the stomach raged, suddenly, the anal orifice said, "Quite!  Your both wrong.  I am the one around here that is in charge around here."

The brain and stomach both looked at the anal orifice and said in unison, "YOU???  Your nothing but a small, insignificant orifice.  You can't be in charge around here."

The anal orifice said, "We'll see about that." and it immediately stopped doing its job.

Within a day, the brain couldn't think about doing anything but taking a crap and the stomach lost all of its appetite for food or drink.

After three days, both the brain and stomach had enough and they said to the anal orifice,
"OK.  OK.  YOU WIN.  You can be in charge around here."

And ever since that day, bosses around the world have been ass holes.

(I've known many bosses that weren't, but the majority of the bosses I've known qualify, totally.)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 08, 2016, 03:06:25 pm
I don't know how they do it.   :o  But I guess if you live in a third-world country and can't afford a car or truck, you make do with what you have.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 11, 2016, 02:35:11 pm
"Sparky" goes to heaven.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on September 11, 2016, 02:39:16 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 13, 2016, 03:23:21 pm
My childhood goals.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 13, 2016, 07:54:28 pm
Ouch!  That had to hurt.   ;D

A friend of mine got a ticket on Sesame Street.

He didn't have a parking Kermit.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 14, 2016, 01:24:53 pm
 :o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=tFdUmLEJqtY
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mevocgt on September 14, 2016, 04:19:29 pm
A friend of mine got a ticket on Sesame Street.

He didn't have a parking Kermit.

Waka wake waka.......????
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on September 14, 2016, 09:45:08 pm

I don't know who I am anymore


My life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.
 
The following is a recap of my current identity.  Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!
 
 
I was born white, which makes me a racist.
 
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
 
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
 
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
 
I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.
 
I'm an American Patriot that believes in the Constitution, owning a gun makes me a radical right wing nut job
 
I am older than 63 and retired, which makes me a useless old person.
 
I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
 
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
 
I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
 
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.
 
I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
 
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.
                     
And now my newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use.

Grant Borden
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 14, 2016, 09:58:57 pm
...it's what the "godlike" do, blame everone and everything except themselves. Best is to avoid them as much as posible and let them turn on each other.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 14, 2016, 10:00:48 pm
...these are funny.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 14, 2016, 10:53:57 pm
I don't know who I am anymore


My life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.
 
The following is a recap of my current identity.  Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!
 
 
I was born white, which makes me a racist.
 
I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.
 
I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.
 
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
 
I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.
 
I'm an American Patriot that believes in the Constitution, owning a gun makes me a radical right wing nut job
 
I am older than 63 and retired, which makes me a useless old person.
 
I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
 
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
 
I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
 
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-social.
 
I, and my friends, acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.
 
I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.
                     
And now my newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use.

Grant Borden

You're okay there is a solution.

F#©k it! do your own thing and go your own way. Oh, wait a minute then you've become an anarchist. :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on September 14, 2016, 11:51:31 pm
Malky,

Seems as though my problems will never end.

Grant Borden
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 15, 2016, 07:46:11 am
You're okay there is a solution.

F#©k it! do your own thing and go your own way. Oh, wait a minute then you've become an anarchist. :o

Ya F#@k it, it's impossible to change the trend and it's impossible to argue with a stupid person. I've got a little hope that it will clear out at some point....

...the Club of Rome came recently with the proposal to pay 50 year old virgins 80.000$ for not having kids - of course only in the industrialized world. I think this insanity can't continue much longer.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 15, 2016, 01:23:20 pm
hehehe....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arQ8_PW-RiA
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 17, 2016, 04:59:47 am
Back in the 1970's when Mazda came out with their Wankel Rotary powered sports car, they had an ad on TV many will remember.  It said something like, "Piston engine goes sprongy, sprongy, sprong but the Mazda engine goes, Hummmmmmmmmm."

An enterprising young man got to looking into this Wankel Rotary and came up with the idea of building the perfect desert racer.

It would be made from a old Volkswagen, totally stripped down with extra long travel suspension arms and shocks and it would be powered by a highly tuned, light weight Mazda Wankel rotary engine.

With the car complete, he entered it in the Baja 1000.

Following the start of the race, his VW/Wankel rotary was proving itself to be even better than expected by closing the distance and passing even the most powerful 4X trucks on the course and he kept this up for 999 miles.

As he approached the finish line, leading the race by a good mile, with only 1/4 mile to go, suddenly the engine exploded sending pieces of itself, the transaxle, shock absorbers and rear body panels in all directions.

The owner was so disgusted with the situation he just walked away with a scowl, never even looking back at the smoldering heap.

With Christmas just around the corner I thought you folks would like to hear all about the car that forever will be known as....
 "The Official Baja Humbug".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 17, 2016, 10:00:11 am
I ate five cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

I had a huge vowel movement. :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 19, 2016, 11:03:04 pm
Back in the 1970's when Mazda came out with their Wankel Rotary powered sports car, they had an ad on TV many will remember.  It said something like, "Piston engine goes sprongy, sprongy, sprong but the Mazda engine goes, Hummmmmmmmmm."

An enterprising young man got to looking into this Wankel Rotary and came up with the idea of building the perfect desert racer.

It would be made from a old Volkswagen, totally stripped down with extra long travel suspension arms and shocks and it would be powered by a highly tuned, light weight Mazda Wankel rotary engine.

With the car complete, he entered it in the Baja 1000.

Following the start of the race, his VW/Wankel rotary was proving itself to be even better than expected by closing the distance and passing even the most powerful 4X trucks on the course and he kept this up for 999 miles.

As he approached the finish line, leading the race by a good mile, with only 1/4 mile to go, suddenly the engine exploded sending pieces of itself, the transaxle, shock absorbers and rear body panels in all directions.

The owner was so disgusted with the situation he just walked away with a scowl, never even looking back at the smoldering heap.

With Christmas just around the corner I thought you folks would like to hear all about the car that forever will be known as....
 "The Official Baja Humbug".

That guy was obviously an amateur, a professional bankrupts atleast half the planet.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 21, 2016, 03:01:36 pm
Today's morning cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tracendaz on September 21, 2016, 04:22:19 pm
I ate five cans of Alphabetti Spaghetti.

I had a huge vowel movement. :o


Ooh, that could spell disaster!

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on September 21, 2016, 08:34:10 pm
"disaster" --Now that's clever AND funny-- easy to digest too.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 21, 2016, 11:16:44 pm
The following is not for the faint of heart nor is it for the eyes of any woman to read.
Be careful who you tell it to because you may sink down more than a few notches in their ratings.  Others will find it uproariously funny.
Personally, I don't condone any part of this idea but the thought of it can bring a chuckle to a callous fellow.
You've been warned.

Shortly after Bob married his wife, he found she was a positive bitch.
She was never happy with anything Bob did or said.
  Just the mention of anything that had to do with sex sent her into a rage.
She constantly nagged Bob about working harder, making more money, spending less time doing the things he enjoyed.

One day she said, "Bob.  You are the most worthless son of a bitch in the world.
 In fact, I never want to see you around this house, ever again,  starting right now."

The next day, she didn't see Bob.
Nor the next day, or the next.

On the fourth day, she could just barely see him, out of her left eye.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 23, 2016, 02:56:15 pm
The little boy had been looking out of the window of the airliner. He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant. The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy replied, "Yes, she did." "Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 25, 2016, 02:17:52 pm
Asked a guy sitting at the bar if he was married. Said he'd been married 53 years. Asked him why he thought the marriage lasted so long. He said he took his wife to Hawaii on their first anniversary. Asked what he did for the 50th. Said he went back and brought her home.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 25, 2016, 02:18:33 pm
My good deed.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 25, 2016, 08:28:26 pm
Old semi-truck drivers don't bother with buying Viagra.

They just get a new Peterbuilt.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 25, 2016, 11:12:13 pm
I'm right, you're wrong.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 26, 2016, 11:25:49 pm
I stumbled across a couple of funny cartoons today.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on September 27, 2016, 09:51:53 pm
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 27, 2016, 11:27:41 pm
Here is a good one.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 29, 2016, 03:19:36 pm
THE SOUTHERN STATES

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina
A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
(My Favorite!)
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on September 29, 2016, 10:44:15 pm
Bought a new wallet the other day. It's made from elephant foreskin leather.when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 01, 2016, 02:41:09 pm
 Better than a strip club.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 02, 2016, 02:20:52 pm
A neat table.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on October 03, 2016, 05:00:16 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 04, 2016, 03:02:10 pm
Raid!    :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2016, 03:35:33 pm
Today we have some foodie cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on October 06, 2016, 09:10:05 pm
Have you heard about the new medication to treat lesbian depression?
It's called Tricoxagain.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 06, 2016, 10:12:48 pm
A truck full of Viagra was hijacked today. The police have asked the public to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 06, 2016, 10:33:43 pm
Words to live by:   ;)

The early bird get the worm but the early worm gets eaten.

Pleasing everyone is impossible; pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

and a few more thoughtful cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on October 08, 2016, 05:32:40 pm
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.In order to get a visa, they have to Americanize their names.Chu became Chuck.Bu became Buck.Hu became Huck.Su and Fu decided to stay in China
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 12, 2016, 02:43:13 pm
I received an old person's set of email jokes dump this morning.  So I figured that anyone who owns a Royal Enfield will appreciate them.  In fact, a couple of these may also apply to the Royal Enfield motorcycle:   ;)

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?"      I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator."   She didn't quite know how to respond.  Am I getting to be that age?   

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
     
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
     
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and calling it 'Pumping Rust.'
     
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" 
     
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency.   I think you should write, "An ambulance.'         

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
     
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.  ;D
     
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
     
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The'   and ' IRS ' together it spells   'Theirs...'
     
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.           
     
Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.  :)
     
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.  ;)
     
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.     

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.     

May you always have Love to Share, Cash to Spare, And Friends who Care.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 13, 2016, 03:17:55 pm
Things to ponder:   ???

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? 
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? 
What do chickens think we taste like? 
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? 
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?



Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 14, 2016, 04:05:07 pm
Wow! Things are really getting tough at the Motor Company.  They are now recalling their riders  ;D  :  http://speedandengines.com/2016/06/09/harley-davidson-riders/

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 15, 2016, 10:54:19 pm
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 15, 2016, 11:06:12 pm
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.  The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', here's no paper on this side either!"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said,'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you.  "He must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
” Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy."Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on October 15, 2016, 11:40:27 pm
https://www.rushlane.com/royal-enfield-bullet-confiscate-12210142.html

...about a bullet which could be heard in a radius of 5km/3miles.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2016, 01:54:58 am
Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen. "I want to get weighed," said Sandra. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.  Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?" Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2016, 01:55:13 am
Wife and I were in bed the other night, and after a half hour or so, nothing was happening. I finally leaned over to her and said "what's the matter- you can't think of anybody else either?".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2016, 02:53:12 pm
A surgeon went to check on his patient after her recent surgery. "You're coming along just fine" he told her. "Thank you doctor" she replied. "When will I be able to enjoy a normal sex life again?". The doctor paused, the woman was startled. "What's wrong? I will be OK won't I? "She asked. "Yes" he replied "No one's ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."

A Man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'. The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your horse phoned.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2016, 10:04:25 pm
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Two holiday makers narrowly escaped the massacre that took place on a Tunisian beach resort because they were charging their mobile phones. The couple have written a thank you letter to Apple for their continued shit battery life.

My mate Paddy voted against gay marriage when it went to the polls in Ireland last year. 'I don't want to marry a fecking bloke' he told me.

I was walking down the road yesterday evening when I met a gang of hoodies. One of the big black teenagers waved his arms like Ali G and said to me, "Dis is our 'hood and these are our streets, innit." Apparently, "If these are your streets then fix those potholes, you lazy sod," was the wrong reply.


Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 17, 2016, 01:40:42 am
For sale:  A complete set of encyclopedia Britannica, no longer needed as my wife knows everything!

As a guy was driving down the road one day he passed a house with a sign that read TALKING DOG FOR SALE $5. The guy thinks he has to see what this foolishness is about. He knocks on the door and meets the owner, who is all too happy to show him the dog. He approaches the old hound in the back yard and asks him to speak. The dog says "OK, let me tell you a little about myself. When I was just a pup, it was discovered that I could understand language and speak, so I was put to secret work by our government. I served at war, because I could go right up to the enemies, who were unsuspecting, listen to their conversations, then report back. I saved a lot of lives that way. As I grew older and my stamina lessened I was used to catch terrorists in airports, same way." The guy is incredulous about this dog and asks the owner how he could possibly sell the dog for $5? "Because he's full of shit! He's lived here his whole life!"

Ole is on his deathbed, in an upstairs bedroom, when he catches the aroma of freshly baked lefse wafting up from the kitchen down below. Against all odds, he drags his ass out of bed, crawls across the floor, and makes his way across the landing to the staircase. He carefully navigates the stairs, being very sure not to slip and roll, the aroma of freshly baked lefse growing ever stronger. He makes his way into the kitchen, reaches up in the direction of a batch of lefse, cooling on the rack when his hand is smacked hard by Lena's wooden spoon accompanied by the admonition: "No. Ole. Those are for the funeral."  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on October 19, 2016, 02:51:07 pm
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones and people in Abu dahbi doo!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 19, 2016, 10:21:02 pm
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones and people in Abu dahbi doo!

That's a good one.  Short and to the point.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 19, 2016, 10:53:35 pm
Here are some cute cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 22, 2016, 03:13:29 pm
More cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 01, 2016, 10:00:56 pm
A girl was walking along a rapidly flowing river and noticed another girl across the water.

She yelled, "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"

The blond across the water yelled back, "YOUR ON THE OTHER SIDE!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 02, 2016, 01:57:00 pm
A different point of view.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 05, 2016, 02:04:23 pm
I do like these two.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on November 08, 2016, 08:01:16 pm
This one was making the round today...


Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery shop.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Trump steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to Hillary: “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t even see anything, and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”

Hillary says to Donald: “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same 3 pastries without stealing or lying, and also prove that I am much more clever than you!”

Hillary goes to the owner of the bakery and says: “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick?”

Intrigued, the owner accepts Hillary’s offer and gives her a pastry. Hillary swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives her another one. Then Hillary asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

By this time, the owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks: “What did you do with the pastries?”

Hillary replies: “Look in Donald’s pocket!”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on November 10, 2016, 05:03:35 pm
Really?.... ::)

   (http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r290/Heloego24/Bikes/2012%20RE%20C5%20Classic/Mods/Really.jpg)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 12, 2016, 03:05:54 pm
Does this look familiar?   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on November 12, 2016, 03:08:08 pm
True, true.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on November 12, 2016, 09:20:43 pm
Nothing funnier than the truth! ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 17, 2016, 07:02:43 pm
A couple of Christmas ads.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&persist_app=1&v=sr6lr_VRsEo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNkniZU4VsA
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 19, 2016, 03:34:10 pm
It's true.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 19, 2016, 10:21:02 pm
And another one.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 20, 2016, 02:17:27 pm
I still have a Snoopy phone at home.  I don't need no stinking "smart" phone and this is why. :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on November 20, 2016, 03:05:59 pm
A couple of Christmas ads.

Funny even if you aren't a boxer fan...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: 1 Thump on November 20, 2016, 09:44:12 pm
Obama: Didn't think he'd be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he's the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

--------------

Biden: C'mon you gotta print a fake birth certificate, put it in an envelope labeled "SECRET" and leave it in the oval office desk

Obama: Joe !

----------------------------

Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump "David S. Pumpkins"

----------------

Obama: "Joe, why are you still holding my hand?"
Biden: "I wanna freak Mike Pence out"
Obama: "But why?"
Biden: "Just roll with it"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 23, 2016, 03:13:49 pm
I Can't blame them.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 25, 2016, 05:00:12 am
The year was 373 AD when a poor farmer in Britain planted his crop of strawberries.

As this crop would be the primary source of income for the entire year the farmer spent hours in the field tending his crop.

One day, he noticed that one berry was growing larger than any berry he had ever seen.
Daily, its size increased. By the time it was ready to pick, it had grown well over a foot in diameter and was over 18 inches in length.

He proudly told his wife about the huge berry and suggested it might be worth quite a bit.

His wife, being the shrewd one of the family said,
"Don't sell it. Build a wall around it and charge money to people who would want to see such a wonder."

The farmer followed her suggestion and built a hut over the berry and told people about the berry.

Soon, word spread and people were coming from miles around to pay for the privilege of seeing this wondrous fruit. Money was flowing into the farmers pocket almost faster than he could count it.

Then, one day, a Roman guard came down the road and demanded to see the berry.

The farmer said, "You don't understand.
You must pay the price before you can go in to see the glory of the berry."

The Roman said,

"No, it is you who don't understand.
I came to seize your berry, not to praise it."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 25, 2016, 06:29:02 pm
It is said that Brutus tried to eat "the strawberry".

Before he was half way thru it he said, "This is more than one man can possibly eat.  I give up."

Julius turned to him and said,

"I et tu Brutus."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 26, 2016, 05:40:17 am
Not Strawberries --- Veggies
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on November 27, 2016, 10:59:12 am
The Roman said,

"No, it is you who don't understand.
I came to seize your berry, not to praise it."

I'll admit it... I didn't get this at all!  I finally caved and asked my wife, who clearly is more up on her Shakespeare than I...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 27, 2016, 02:42:43 pm
Facebook for the senior generation:

For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day i walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how i feel at the moment, what i have done the night before, what i will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them i like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have 4 people following me: Two police officers,a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 28, 2016, 03:23:29 pm
Cute animal cartoons.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on November 29, 2016, 03:41:35 pm
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2016, 03:35:13 pm
Time for the Saturday cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2016, 03:36:09 pm
And four more. 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 13, 2016, 10:53:12 pm
Four more cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on December 16, 2016, 02:09:07 pm
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks
"Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keeper's heart melts.
He gets down on his knees so that he is
on her level and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or
a thoft, fluffy, bwack wabbit,
or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels,
puts her hands on her knees, leans forward
and whispers . . .
 
                                       
 
 
 
"I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuck.."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 17, 2016, 10:44:40 pm
You are going to like this, especially if you are male - not so much if you are the other gender, though:
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 18, 2016, 02:26:48 pm
Woman discovers a gorilla in a tree in her back yard and calls the Acme Gorilla Removal Service. Guy shows up with a pit bull, handcuffs and a shotgun. He tells the woman that he will climb up into the tree,shake the limb that the gorilla is on and when the gorilla falls the pit bull is trained to bite it in the nuts. When the gorilla uses his hands to protect himself, the woman is to put the handcuffs on. The woman asks what the shotgun is used for. Guy says if he falls out the the tree, she is to shoot the dog.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 18, 2016, 02:29:07 pm
Visiting Minnesota.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 18, 2016, 10:11:10 pm
A couple of guys are walking down a street when they see a large male dog licking his private parts.

One of the guys says, "Gee.  I sure wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "I think you better pet him first."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 18, 2016, 10:34:33 pm
The police officer, thinking he had a good plan, parked his squad car across the street from the local bar.
He kept an eye on the people coming out of the bar for several hours and much to his delight saw a man staggering out of the bar door about ten minutes before closing time.

The man weaved back and forth as he walked across the parking lot, falling down several times before he got to his car.
Once at the car, he dropped the keys twice before he finally got the car door open.
Once inside, he started the car and drove slowly thru the parking lot to the street, hung a hard right and started down the road, weaving slightly.

The officer chuckled, started his car, turned on his headlights and flipped on the flashing red lights and proceeded to follow the man.

A half mile down the road the driver pulled over to the side of the road and the officer approached his car.

"Out of the car, buddy.  Your going to have to take the drunk driver test."

The officer proceeded to tell him to walk in a straight line, put his finger to his nose with his eyes shut and half a dozen other tasks that measure dexterity.
The man passed each test with flying colors.

The officer then had him breath into a balloon and tested his breath for alcohol.

The test showed the man to be totally sober.

"OK, buddy.  What the hell is going on here?" said the officer.

"Well, you see, when I got to the bar, I drew the short straw so I didn't drink a drop.
Just before closing time, I left and drove to this spot.
You see officer, tonight, I was the decoy.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on December 19, 2016, 01:57:35 pm
Doesn't need it's own thread. Here's an unhappy Triumph owner.
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=152292047308#description
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2016, 01:23:46 am
Opps.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on December 20, 2016, 05:24:32 pm
From me to GHG:

Did you hear about the Irishman who walked out of a bar? .........Well, it COULD happen!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gashousegorilla on December 21, 2016, 03:26:38 am
  Yeah right Matt  ::)  ;D

 One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling “spit it out, spit it  out  you bastard
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 21, 2016, 08:33:33 am
The greatest safety device on a motorcycle is a policeman in the mirror.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on December 21, 2016, 09:15:04 am
Doesn't need it's own thread. Here's an unhappy Triumph owner.
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=152292047308#description

One can get the same thing from RE at an much lower price.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: WillW on December 21, 2016, 01:43:46 pm
Went out last night to a fancy-dress party dressed as a chicken .

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A lifelong question was answered -

It was the chicken                    .  .  .  .

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 21, 2016, 03:17:42 pm
Here is why Putin envies Trump.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 21, 2016, 03:19:34 pm
A blonde shows up at work in tears. Her boss, very concerned, approaches her and asks " are you all right?" She turns to him sobbing, "my mother passed away this morning." Her boss leans over " I'm very sorry, why don't you go home and try to relax?" She replies, " no. I want to stay. Work will keep my mind off it." The boss agrees and goes back to his office. An hour later he looks over and the blonde is almost hysterical. He rushes over and she turns to him, "this is the worst day ever!" "Why now? Asks her boss. "My sister just called and her mom died too!"  ::)

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 21, 2016, 10:11:50 pm
This is pretty funny, especially if you don't mind making fun of H-D riders:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1A3b_MRimbk
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 22, 2016, 01:34:36 am
Here is another one:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4ZfaDjxDBs
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 22, 2016, 02:39:55 pm
A guy broke into my house in the middle of the night and started searching for money.  I woke up and started searching with him.

If vodka were water and I were a duck. I'd swim to the bottom and never come up. But, water's not vodka and I'm not a duck. So pass me the bottle and shut the f%$k up.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 02:35:13 pm
hen my wife left me I was sad so to cheer myself up, I bought a new motorcycle, shagged two women and blew a grand on drugs. She'll go fuckin mental when she gets home from work.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 02:47:32 pm
This and that.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 23, 2016, 06:00:30 pm
PROPER DRESS CODE
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 09:54:05 pm
I hear Tampax are replacing the string on their tampons with tinsel this month.
It's just for the Christmas period.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 10:14:12 pm
And even more cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 10:14:45 pm
We had a contest at work for the best neckware. it was a tie.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2016, 10:15:28 pm
To the guy who invented infinity. We are forever in your debt.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 26, 2016, 11:08:42 pm
ISIS has just announced they will not be bringing their terror campaign to London. They reckon if they randomly killed 38 people, they would be lucky to get two or three Brits.

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

My mate Dave's motto: 'Always think outside the box.'  Lovely bloke, shit goalkeeper though.

As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like. That was five years ago. I hope she's enjoying being a parent.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 29, 2016, 02:33:04 pm
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on December 31, 2016, 07:35:18 pm
Fred went to the zoo and was walking around looking at the animals and noticed a coin on the ground in front of the gorilla cage.
He bent down and picked it up and noticed the gorilla bent down and acted like he also picked up something.

Curious, Fred turned to his right.  The gorilla turned to its right.
Fred turned to his left and the gorilla turned to its left.

Fascinated, Fred then raised his right foot and hopped around in a circle on his left foot.
The gorilla likewise raised its right foot and hopped around in a circle.

Fred proceeded to do squats, hops, waving his arms around and all sorts of things and the gorilla mimicked each and every one of Fred's motions.

Then, Fred reached up to his face with his left hand and placed his index finger just below his left eye and pulled down on the skin.

The gorilla roared, ripped the door off of his cage and knocked Fred to the ground.
It then proceeded to jump up and down on him and finished by picking Fred up and throwing him up into a large tree.

Fred woke up to find himself in the hospital in a body cast with tubes plugged into his arms.

Several days later, a small man entered Fred's room and introduced himself as the director of the Zoo.
He asked Fred what happened.

Fred proceeded to describe how he had jumped, hopped and skipped in front of the gorilla cage and he had found that the gorilla repeated his every move.
He then said, "I reached up with my left hand and placed my index finger just below my left eye and pulled down on the skin and that's the last thing I remember."

The Zoo director breathed a large sigh of relief and said, "Thank goodness!  I was afraid I was going to have to put the gorilla down but I now know it was just a normal reaction.
You see, putting his left hand and placed his index finger just below his left eye and pulled down on the skin is the gorillas way of saying, "Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit.""

For over a month, Fred lay in his bed recuperating and while he did, he thought of ways to get even with the gorilla.  Then, just before he was released from the hospital he had a plan.

A week later, Fred was back to full strength so he obtained several things and then went to the Zoo.

Standing in front of the gorilla cage, he hopped around on one foot and watched the gorilla hop around oh his foot.  He then did squats, jumps, dances and a number of other things and watched while the gorilla repeated his every move.

Fred then unzipped his pants, pulled out a concealed hot dog with one hand and a sharp knife with the other and proceeded to chop the hot dog into many small pieces.
Following this act, he threw the knife into the gorilla cage.

The gorilla looked at the knife and then put his left hand to his face and placed his index finger just below his left eye and pulled down on the skin.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 02, 2017, 09:45:04 pm
 They don't make beer ads like this anymore. ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 04, 2017, 02:38:48 pm
A Love Story
This love story should help enhance your sensitivity training for the year ahead.

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake, Alberta. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer. She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife and Alan's true love walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove. When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store. Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes........   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 04, 2017, 02:40:24 pm
The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.
This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee ?

That, Carson, is complete composure and aplomb...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 04, 2017, 07:17:18 pm
And even more funny cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on January 07, 2017, 10:42:47 am
Inspiration
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 07, 2017, 02:12:26 pm
A little of this and a little of that.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on January 07, 2017, 05:11:46 pm
 ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upEBdKFGlPg
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on January 08, 2017, 08:43:04 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on January 09, 2017, 05:41:09 pm
Eleven..  ;D

https://youtu.be/sAz_UvnUeuU
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 10, 2017, 09:52:08 pm
The cartoons keep coming.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2017, 02:46:44 pm
A little girl's prayer.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 14, 2017, 02:27:07 pm
Here is some health advice from a wise old Japanese doctor that you will no doubt appreciate and shouldn't be too difficult to follow:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally wornout and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
Furthermore.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 14, 2017, 02:42:34 pm
And another oldie but goody:   

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…
“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 14, 2017, 03:27:00 pm
Two more.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 15, 2017, 02:50:16 pm
Good advice.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Adrian II on January 15, 2017, 03:16:41 pm
Don't let your diesel locomotives attempt to breed, however, it never ends well.

(http://www.deltic21.co.uk/gallery/albums/userpics/10002/31202___31226_-_North_Circular_Road_28229.jpg)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 16, 2017, 02:30:12 pm
Mick runs over to Paddy. "Paddy I've found this pen,is it yours?" "Give it here and I have a look " Paddy replies. He signs his same on some paper and says, "Yep it looks like my hand writing."

Sheamus goes on a First Aid Course. The instructor asks "What would you do if your child swallowed your front door key?" Sheamus thinks for a moment then replies: "I'd climb in through the window."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on January 16, 2017, 06:47:14 pm
Here is some health advice from a wise old Japanese doctor that you will no doubt appreciate and shouldn't be too difficult to follow:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally wornout and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
Furthermore.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

...time to open a beer.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 16, 2017, 11:41:14 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on January 22, 2017, 11:40:45 pm
For all of you have spent time in the corporate world, this is for you !
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 24, 2017, 11:00:50 pm
So being a man of a certain age I went to the doctors yesterday for an MOT. "I'm going to have to check your prostrate" the doctor said to me. So I climbed on the table and dropped my trousers and pants,while I'm on all fours the doctor says "Mr Taylor I have to say it's not unusual for a man to get an erection during the prostate examination. " I replied,somewhat embarrassed "I can assure you doctor that won't happen with me". He replied "I never meant you."  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 25, 2017, 10:57:24 pm
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you! St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?' 'Couple of minutes ago.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 27, 2017, 01:35:59 am
IMMUTABLE LAWS:
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once,have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really... It's true. I read it on the Internet!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 28, 2017, 10:51:59 pm
TELEPHONE ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS:

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of these reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Hi, now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead.
Wait for the beep.
Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese man)
He-ro! This is Sato. If you leave message, I call you soon.
If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. This is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.
Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need sliding windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me, leave you name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message....

Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right really slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 28, 2017, 11:31:27 pm
A bloke says to his doctor, "I don't understand it - my wife is pregnant but we haven't had sex in a year!" The doctor replies, "Ah, it's what we call a 'grudge pregnancy'... Someone's obviously had it in for you."

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says: "I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson, and asks: "And how about you, Sarah?" "I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f--- that I want to be Johnny's bitch."

One afternoon Howard accidentally overturned his golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a condo on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?" "It’s Howard, and I’m okay, thanks," he replied. "Howard, forget your troubles. Come up to my condo and rest for awhile, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and so persuasive and Howard was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a glass of scotch, and some very creative putting lessons demonstrated by Elizabeth, he thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Probably still under the cart!" Howard said.

I just love the smell of Grannies cooking. And that's why I torched the old peoples' home.   :o
     

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 01, 2017, 09:12:16 pm
For vegan hunters:
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 01, 2017, 11:01:24 pm
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding, a reason I've never before heard I'll let this pass." The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." The Trooper said: "Have a nice day."

I walked into a pet shop today and said, "I'll have those two cute baby rabbits in the window please." "No problem." she smiled, "Would you like anything else?" "Yes," I replied, "I'll have one of those big things that they go inside." "A hutch?" she asked. I said, "No, a snake."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 02, 2017, 10:30:34 pm
Another blonde joke.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 03, 2017, 02:39:03 pm
Went into the kitchen this morning. Wife was face down & not breathing. I panicked & didn't know what to do!! Then I remembered McDonald's do breakfast till 10:30.   ;)

I felt sorry for a hypnotist that I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes, then he tripped over the microphone cord and yelled "fuck me" ..... What happened next will haunt me forever!!   :o

I couldn't find that weird thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so I asked the kids if they'd had seen it. Apparently she left yesterday!!  ???
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on February 03, 2017, 09:17:10 pm
"Texting Codes" for seniors...
  Young people have theirs, NOW, we "Seniors" have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* GGPBL -  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA  - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
     Hope these help...
      And the best one is:
GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 05, 2017, 11:27:27 pm
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 06, 2017, 10:38:16 pm
How you gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that you silly cu.......

Thought the spider.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 08, 2017, 02:47:02 pm
The Vibrator:  As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked she asked: "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "Dad I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming form, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: "What the f--- are you doing?" The husband replied: "I'm watching football with my son-in-law."  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 09, 2017, 02:20:21 pm
Got a groaner for you:  Dogs can't operate an MRI but Cats can...  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 10, 2017, 12:15:10 am
So, an adventurer in Africa was walking thru the wastelands with his guides.
He removed his hat to take in a wide view of his surroundings when suddenly,  a very large pile of crap came out of the blue and landed right on top of his head.

He immediately started to wipe it off when all of his guides started yelling,
 NO! NO! NO!  "Do NOT remove that bwana."
"That is the dump of the mighty Foo bird!  If you remove it you will immediately die."

Believing his guides, the adventurer left it on his head.

Weeks passed and the foul smelling pile remained pristine, perched on his head, but it became intolerable to him.

Figuring that his guides were just repeating an old superstition he reached up and knocked the pile off.  He gasped twice and fell dead on the spot.

The moral of the story is, "If the Foo shits, wear it."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 10, 2017, 03:21:18 pm
A rather ‘sexually frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts. As she moved through the aisles she saw cucumbers, bananas, corn on the cob and so many other things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood. She ended up buying far more than she needed. When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers. She could hardly control herself. After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries. The young man willingly obliged. As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”. To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 10, 2017, 03:22:05 pm
How to explain the Birds and Bees to your young son in todays world: "How was I born", asks the innocent little lad -
"Well son", you say, sitting down in contemplation - "it was like this - Your mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo - I then set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. It was at this point that your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a Pop-up appeared that said - 'YOU HAVE MALE' "  And the little lad will understand completely.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 10, 2017, 09:34:32 pm
A beautiful French girl in America had the unpleasantness of catching a severe case of the crabs.

When she could stand the itching no longer she went out searching for help.
She didn't know the common or proper thing to call her problem so she asked a friend for directions to a place where she could get a treatment for her "bugs in the bush".
The friend directed her to a local plant nursery.

She explained to the owner that she had "ze bug in ze bush".
He immediately sold her a bottle of insecticide.

Two days later, she was back and told him, "Et did not work!"
He then sold her a stronger type of insecticide telling her, "This should take care of the problem.  If it doesn't, come back."

Two days later, she was back, explaining how it did nothing to kill the bugs and if anything, she had more bugs than before.

The owner scratched his chin and said, "OK.  I'm going to do something that is against the law by selling you some professional bug killer.
It is very powerful and it can be dangerous so read the instructions and do exactly what it says.
This should fix the problem."

A week passed.  Then two weeks.  No sign of the girl at the nursery.

Then one day, the owner of the nursery walked around a corner and ran into the girl.

"So young lady.  Did that bug killer work?"

"Deed it work?  Oh oui. C'était merveilleux!, I mean Oh yes!  It was wonderful!

The bug...POOF!
The bush...POOF!
Pierre's mustache...POOF!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 15, 2017, 10:34:43 pm
Time for more jokes, this being "hump day".   ;D

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? None. Conservatives hate change and consider light to be a form of socialism. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 1 million. 1 to change the bulb and 999,999 to argue about which wattage will prevent climate change.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. First, my ex got run over by a bus and then I got fired from my part time job as a Bus driver.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 16, 2017, 09:41:52 pm
A man walked into a pet shop and told the owner he was looking for an unusual pet.

The pet shop owner said, "I have just the thing for you.  Come over here and take a look."

The man followed the owner over to the corner of the room and saw the strangest animal he had ever seen, sitting there watching him.

"That's really neat!  What is is?" the man said.

"It's a rarery.  It comes from South America.  It only costs $100." said the owner.

The man bought it on the spot and took it home with him.

As time passed, he noticed it seemed to grow almost daily.  Not grow a little bit.  Grow a LOT.

Within a month it had doubled its size and by the time the next month passed it had doubled in size again. 

He called the pet shop and asked about the beasts growth and the store owner told him it was normal and it would continue for at least a year.

Faced with the prospect of having a pet that would need a room larger than his whole house he decided to get rid of it.

He loaded the rarery into the back of his truck and drove to the highest mountain in the State.
Backing the truck up so the tailgate hung over the edge of the cliff, the man got out and picked up a large board and started to pry the animal out the back and over the edge.

Suddenly, his pet said, "What are you trying to do?"

The man said, "I'm going to send you over the edge.  I can't keep you any longer."

Looking down the steep mountainside his pet said, "It's a long way to Tipperary."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 18, 2017, 01:17:14 am
A friend is a man that comes over to help you move furniture.

"A good friend is a man who comes over to help you move bodies."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 20, 2017, 11:09:56 pm
Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert breathing heavily, says..., "I bet you have a real tight ass with no hair!" Woman replies..., "Why yes I do... he's watching golf – Who shall I say is calling?"

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal. The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland. After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me." The lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?" The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz." Again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?" The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Mount Isa lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "What on earth could they teach you?" The Mount Isa lady responded, "Well as an example... instead of saying, "Who gives a Fuck?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?”

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 23, 2017, 12:29:36 am
The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian friend Tonto were riding their horses across a hilly region out west.

Suddenly, hundreds of angry Indians appeared on the hill ahead of them.
Looking to the left and right, the Lone Ranger saw hundreds of Indians rapidly charging down the hills towards them.

Looking back in the direction they had come from the Lone Ranger saw more Indians rapidly approaching and screaming their war chants.

The Lone Ranger looked towards his companion and said, "Well, Tonto.  It looks like this is the end.  We're going to die!"

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "What you mean, "we",  paleface?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on February 24, 2017, 09:20:34 pm
Two  medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
Man walking with his legs spread apart.

He  was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One  student said to his friend:

"I'm  sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like  that."

The  other student says:

"No,  I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks  slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."


Since they couldn't agree they  decided to ask the old man. They approached
Him and one of the students  said to him,

"We're medical students and couldn't  help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"


The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me  what you two fine medical students think."

The  first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The  old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think  you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The  old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old  timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it  was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 24, 2017, 10:06:30 pm
The Centipede: A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"  This time a little voice came out of the box , "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 25, 2017, 07:08:28 pm
Found at last.

Something even Duct Tape can't fix.

It can't fix stupid.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 26, 2017, 02:24:52 pm
I like this one.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 26, 2017, 11:34:58 pm
Four more.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 27, 2017, 03:27:21 pm
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? Ohhhh yeahhhh. LOL.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

I'm not fat, just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Grant Borden on February 27, 2017, 06:11:40 pm
His Name Is Sniffer
 
A man had  just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when  another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
 
The first man  looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed  on the plane.
 
The second man explained that he was from the Drugs  Enforcement Agency (DEA) and that the dog was a 'sniffing  dog'.
 
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show  you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
 
The plane  took off, and once it has leveled out, the DEA Agent said, 'Watch  this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'.
 
Sniffer jumped down, walked  along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman  for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one  paw on the Agent's arm.
 
The Agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned  to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm  making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend  her when we land.
 
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first  man.
 
Once again, the Agent sent Sniffer to search the  aisles.
 
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few  seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on  the Agent's arm. The Agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine,  so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the  authorities.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Agent  then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
 
Sniffer walked up and down  the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came  racing back to the Agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded  to shit all over the place.
 
The first man was really disgusted by  this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog  would behave like that, so he asked the Agent, 'What's going  on?'
 
The Agent nervously replied, 'He's just found a  bomb.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on March 02, 2017, 02:12:16 pm
...dad finally snaps.  8)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-ivm3lllkU
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 02, 2017, 03:47:21 pm
I've had to sack Peter Parker. I only sent him out to pick a peck of pickled peppers. And how many pecks of pickled peppers did Peter Parker pick?  Fuck all. He came back with a stupid story about radioactive spiders.

You know your relationship is dead when the only thing you can do to add excitement to it, is not delete your browsing history.

Customer: "Would you like to know how you can sell a lot more coffee?" Starbucks Owner: "Yes, of course. How?"
Customer: "By selling a lot less froth."

My wife is giving me the “silent treatment".  She thinks it's a punishment.

How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two; One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis... er, I mean ladder.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out, and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat", I thought to myself.

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. Decepticons I told her. She laughed, I laughed, the toaster and the coffee machine laughed too.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 06, 2017, 11:07:09 pm
Here is a joke dump for your enjoyment:

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT YESTERDAY...... And went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!! I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to Seniors a little clearer.  I still don't think I looked that bad.

MEN VS. WOMEN:
A.. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
B.. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
C.. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
D.. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
E.. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
F.. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
G.. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
H.. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
I.. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
J.. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
K.. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
L.. If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
M.. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
N.. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
O.. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
P.. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
Q.. If she asks you, it's a favor.
R. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
S.. If you don't, you're gay.
T.. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
U.. If you don't, you're unromantic.
V.. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
W.. If you don't, you're a slob.
X.. If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
Y.. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
Z.. If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
AA. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
BB. If she has a headache, she's tired.
CC. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
DD. If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
EE. If you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman were captured while fighting in a far off foreign land and the leader of the captors said "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you can each make a final request."  The Scotsman says "I'd like to hear the Flower of Scotland just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played on the bagpipes in the style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards." The Irishman says "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to remind me of the auld country sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell with the Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman says "I'd like to hear Men of Harlech just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice Choir." The English man says: "I'd like to be shot first."

There were two nuns, One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later... SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up, can run faster than a man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty………………… Say two Hail Mary's!

THE DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money”. Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Tell him if he does not tell me I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house”.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says screw you, you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 08, 2017, 03:28:02 pm
Old Golfer Speaks out:
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 08, 2017, 10:53:15 pm
Here are four more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 09, 2017, 12:47:48 am
 Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.                               

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."                   

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"                   

Ron replied, "That would be my wife.”   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 09, 2017, 10:49:25 pm
Daily Express: “80% of 55 yr-old men have fear of getting dementia” The other 20% asked if they could hear the question again.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 10, 2017, 03:38:14 pm
The Senior Penis Poem:   :(
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, To find the f***in' thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave. For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes.  :'(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 10, 2017, 10:27:44 pm
I heard this one on the radio today, so it must be an oldie:
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? Because all of the DNA is the same and there are no teeth or dental records.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 14, 2017, 12:41:23 am
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________ _

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________ _ ___________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 17, 2017, 01:26:17 pm
Three older gentlemen were sitting on a park bench when one of them says, "It's windy!" The next one says, "No, it's Thursday!" And the last one says, "Me too! Let's get a beer!"  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 18, 2017, 05:31:13 pm
This short video describing St. Patrick's Day in Detroit, Michigan is funny:
https://www.youtube.com/embed/_AzRz7yS95o?rel=0
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 18, 2017, 10:46:02 pm
Department of Children's Affairs, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Dear Sir, I have a Benefit Question :
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her without my authorization. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife. Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:
Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Sincerely yours, Mohamed
THE REPLY:
Of course you qualify Mohamed! I have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you just as soon as you arrive here.

I always said to my wife that her obesity would lead to an early death. Although, from what I'm told, the pilot did everything he could to avoid her.

My wife tried to spice up our sex life last night. She wore nothing but a vest, yellow helmet and a light round her neck... I think she misunderstood when I told her I fantasise about sleeping with minors.

When God closes a door, it's because Jesus left it open. He was born in a barn, you know.

Two women were talking about their new milkman. "He's very good looking, punctual and dresses so smartly" said one. "And so quickly too!" said the other.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 19, 2017, 12:29:30 am
And another not PC cartoon.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 20, 2017, 10:31:06 pm
I said to my wife, "I've bought 2 tickets for the cinema tonight." "But what about the kids?" She asked. I said, "I've ordered that baby sitter from number 76 to come round." She said, "Is that the young, pretty, blonde one with the big boobs?" "Yes," I replied. "Your sister is picking you up at 7."

In my wife's eyes I can do no wrong. In fact she often claims I'm incapable of doing anything.

I went with a prostitute for the first time in my life after thirty years of marriage. I paid my money and she said, "I will do anything that your wife won't." "Brilliant, can you just sit down and be quiet for an hour then."

A Plumber (The Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.” "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the Plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a Plumber? "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!” The Plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. He looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be fifty.” "That's simply impossible my son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets.”  ::)
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 22, 2017, 09:19:56 pm
British Humour - or so I have been told:   ;)

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humour!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 . I woke up this morning at 9:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.
9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay???”
10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 22, 2017, 10:28:15 pm
The local hospital created a new ward in the woman's wing.

If a woman is admitted into the hospital suffering from PMS  or from a yeast infection, she is automatically put into this area.

The nurses refer to it as the "Whine and Cheese Party room".   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 25, 2017, 12:18:13 am
Friday funnies.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on March 26, 2017, 12:35:09 am
I learned a new word today; EXHAUSTIPATED. 

As in, I AM EXHAUSTIPATED. Sounds better than "I'm too tried to give a shit"

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 27, 2017, 02:18:51 pm
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? Och! It's not that dark.

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade. "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why in the hell did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?" "Because ... he's thinking of getting married..."

I have lightning quick reflexes. Sounds better than premature ejaculator.

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex. Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

My mate's a liar –  He invited me to his house to see his new 'bouncing baby boy', it didn't...

A policeman returns home from work looking glum. His wife seeing this, asks, "Bad day?" He sighs, "Was called to a house where a man was found dead in the bathroom and glued firmly to the toilet seat." "Oh no!" she recoiled in horror, "How did he die?" "Asphyxiation"

True story at an R.A.F base:  Instructions given to trainee by the corporal.  "I need you to take this note to the sergeant and wait for a response, OK?" "Yes sir." "Wait! Before you go, I also need you to get a metal bar from the garage measuring 450mm long by 25mm thick, galvanised with a threaded end." "Yes sir." The young trainee eager to impress nips off to carry out the task. He gets his metal rod from the mechanic and carries on to the sergeant's office. On arrival he hands over the note and waits patiently at attention for his response. The note read: 'Give me your wallet now or I'll smash your face in with this bar!!'

Awankwo Abuuguu, the African boxing champion who two years ago lost both his feet in a horrific car crash, has amazingly won his latest comeback fight.  He is now looking to challenge for the world title.  His new boxing record since his comeback reads 'five wins without defeet'.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 27, 2017, 03:24:14 pm
The Proposed Health Care Package!

The Medical Association has weighed in on the new proposed health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologist's had sort of a gut feeling about it and the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile the Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled "Over my dead body" and the Pediatricians said "Oh grow up".

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness and the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons washed their hands of the whole things and the Internists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons decided that this would put a whole new face on medicine.

The Podiatrists said "it was a step in the right direction" but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end the, the Proctologists won out leaving the entire decision to the assholes in government!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 27, 2017, 10:24:15 pm
Senior funnies:

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop ticking me off.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.
 
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
 
I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.
 
My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
 
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
 
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
 
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.
 
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
 
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.
 
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
 
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
 
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
 
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.
 
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
 
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The_Rigger on March 27, 2017, 11:49:13 pm
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Truer words were never spoken.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: finbullet on March 28, 2017, 08:53:13 am
Obama introduced a new healthcare reform which is called "OBAMACARE", now Donald Trump tried to replace it with his own healthcare reform which was called  "I DON'T CARE"

A joke from a finnish comedy show  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 28, 2017, 10:15:14 pm
Our town was so small the dentist and the proctologist were the same person. You wanted to be careful how you scheduled your exams.  ::)

I love proving people wrong. Like when people say 'pleased to meet you'.  I soon make them regret it.  :o

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street together, and they both want a drink, but they have no money on them. The priest says, "I've got an idea how to get us some free drinks." He walks in alone and the rabbi stands at the door and watches. The priest orders a drink, drinks it, and then the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But my son, I've already paid for the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, father, but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The rabbi walks in and orders a drink. After he drinks it, the bartender gives him the tab, and the rabbi says, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry, rabbi, I don't know what's wrong with me, but that's the second time that happened to me today." The rabbi says, "That's okay, son, no offence taken. Now, just give me change for the twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my way."  ;)

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. I’m told that this procedure also works in other countries.  :'(

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 28, 2017, 11:54:10 pm
Two friends were walking down the street and one of them noticed a dog, sitting across the street with one leg raised high in the air, licking his organ.

The guy said to his friend, "I wish I could do that."

His friend said, "I think you better make friends by patting him first."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 29, 2017, 03:02:47 pm
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door last Sunday. Talk about being a religious fanatic! Four hours we stood there arguing about the true meaning of the Bible and how God wanted us to live our lives. Four fucking hours! And all she could say every twenty minutes was, "Well, I think I'd better be getting along now."

I came home to find my wife shagging the window cleaner... I was angry yet very impressed at how they didn't fall off his ladder.

The head teacher from the school called me today. "I've just caught your son having sex with Sarah Jones," he said, "I am totally disgusted." "Me too," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?” The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”

I get LGBT and BLT horribly confused. Had some interesting sandwiches though.

The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected. Only women came.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 30, 2017, 02:15:26 am
A woman wanted to fix things around the home so she bought a Do It Yourself book and read thru it.

She had a few tools but realized she didn't have any files so she went down to the local hardware store.

Asking the store owner to show her some files the owner walked over to a big display case and said, "Well, we have this nice bastard file that might work for you."

Not wanting to show that she didn't know anything about files she said, "No.  I'll take that Son of a Bitch over there."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 30, 2017, 10:53:34 pm
Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G".

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on March 31, 2017, 06:30:49 am
...maybe that's why the corporate leaders don't do it anymore, instead they dictate crap.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 31, 2017, 03:26:28 pm
 :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 31, 2017, 11:40:05 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 01, 2017, 02:51:23 pm
The Art Collector's Wife
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures. She believes they will bring in $15 to $20 million, and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Wow! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman and you just made my day! Now I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Little Bobby and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bobby goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bobby bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was simply adorable, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bobby , you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bobby replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bobby instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bobby has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bobby , it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bobby just shrugs his shoulders and says, " Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Always, always, always follow the S O P’ s .........that’s Standard Operating Procedures Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , Kansas , when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina. Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail. Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules. Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses. The crew tried to explain this to Union Pacific higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train! They were informed that Rules prohibited moving the train when a part was found to be defective! 'REMEMBER, The RULES Are The RULES !' Don't ever let COMMON SENSE get in the way of a good Disaster!

The local Taliban gardener was planning terrorist attacks by radio signal from his allotment, so I covered the whole area in silver paper to block the transmissions. That's foiled his plot.

I told the missus that I donated sperm. "I'm surprised," she smiled. "Why?" I asked. "I never knew you had any!" she laughed. I said, "I do, trust me. Just ask your sister."

Every now and then I like to learn a new swear word. So I park in front of my neighbour's driveway.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 02, 2017, 11:47:51 pm
Sunday cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 02, 2017, 11:48:53 pm
And four more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 03, 2017, 11:58:17 am
Here's a special one for Richard230...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 03, 2017, 02:54:02 pm
That is no joke mattsz.   ;)  The second time around can be as good as the first time when your memory starts fading.   ;D  Fortunately, or unfortunately, the internet never forgets.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Guaire on April 03, 2017, 03:01:10 pm
California is going to need a lot of ammo!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on April 03, 2017, 03:15:06 pm
California is going to need a lot of ammo!

Is that a joke?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Guaire on April 03, 2017, 08:26:31 pm
There are a lot of crooked politicians there. Thanks to that, a lot of people have been leaving California though.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on April 03, 2017, 08:55:30 pm
There are a lot of crooked politicians there. Thanks to that, a lot of people have been leaving California though.

I've yet to meet an honest politician.

Back to topic. This really is a joke, it appears some people actually think it's true.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on April 03, 2017, 10:46:25 pm
Here's a special one for Richard230...

Plus you only need one book to read.  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 04, 2017, 03:02:49 pm
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2017

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2017 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won ' t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmaster . Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2017 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD Robbie ' s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour ' s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2017 - Billy ' s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy ' s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Headmaster to take aspirin with.

2017 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2017 -Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Police investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny ' s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 04, 2017, 03:12:11 pm
An Australian Love Poem (Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya Darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 05, 2017, 11:35:08 pm
In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cook burgers. Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers. Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK.

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet -

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.....
I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco?
Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer
... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,
as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus,
These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

To beef or not to beef,
that is equestrian.....

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers
make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 05, 2017, 11:36:04 pm
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water, and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 calibre pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible.  ;)
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on April 06, 2017, 08:14:43 am
Why was I never informed of this ?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 06, 2017, 10:40:13 am
Why was I never informed of this ?

Because you've had your head up yours?   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 06, 2017, 02:48:04 pm
A great drunken resting place.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 07, 2017, 02:52:55 pm
Easter warning.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on April 09, 2017, 09:46:04 pm
 ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2017, 10:45:44 pm
Here are a bunch of "senior" cartoons.  The older you are the more you will appreciate them.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2017, 10:46:39 pm
Four more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2017, 10:47:38 pm
Still more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2017, 10:48:38 pm
And one more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on April 10, 2017, 01:04:03 pm
 ;D Love the Rocker  8) and the Eye Chart!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 10, 2017, 02:27:34 pm
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

"What are you doing?" asked my wife as she walked in on me and our children sitting around the table. "I'm just showing them these old photos from when I used to be a Boxer" I said, showing off. "If you turn them sideways kids, it looks like your Dad's standing up"

"Is this ointment okay to use?” a man asks a chemist. "Why what's wrong with it? He enquires. "Well it says apply locally and I'm not from round here" said the man.

If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have somehow managed to cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and stack them by the side of the field.

Winery (noun): A group of women who have run out of chocolate.

For my birthday, all my mates from work came around my place. They all had gifts, Cocaine, Skunk weed, Ecstasy, and 3 Thai prostitutes. It's amazing, the perks of working for the police.

A 60M resistor attacked me yesterday. It beat me blue, black and violet.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 10, 2017, 02:29:07 pm
More cartoons from the peanut gallery.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 10, 2017, 02:30:32 pm
and four more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 10, 2017, 05:24:24 pm
A 60M resistor attacked me yesterday. It beat me blue, black and violet.

Ooo, a specialty joke!

A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 11, 2017, 11:53:02 pm
United Airlines is doing their best to generate some sort-of-funny cartoons.  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 12, 2017, 03:35:59 pm
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog
cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers: "What part did you get?"

It was back in the 70's and a soon-to-be prominent (and rather arrogant) golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta in his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies. They had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the Caddy Master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed. The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, "Hello Mr. Floyd." Floyd said "Hello." And followed with: "That's the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question." Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene, he said out loud, "I'm going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole." Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, "How's that?" The caddy spoke for the first time and said, "That wasn't your ball." … You gotta love it!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 12, 2017, 10:39:39 pm
Speaking of golf, God and St. Peter were talking one day about golf.

St. Peter said, "I know I could win in a game against you." and God replied, "OK, your on!".

POOF!  They suddenly appeared on a beautiful golf course on the first green.

God said, "You go first."

St. Peter placed his ball on the tee and selected his best driver.
Taking note of the wind and the pin location he swung, driving his ball straight down the fairway.  It came to a rest 30 yards short of the green.

God pulled out his driver, set His ball on the tee and swung.
The ball hooked badly and flew into to the rough.

Before the ball stopped rolling a rabbit hopped out of the bushes and nudged the ball forward with his nose out into the fairway at which point a owl swooped down grabbing the ball with his talons and flew towards the green.
The owl dropped the ball just short of the hole and it continued to roll right into the cup for a hole in one.

St. Peter looked at god and said, "Did you come here to play golf or are you just going to fuck around all day?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 14, 2017, 05:33:52 pm
The UAL jokes just keep on coming.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 15, 2017, 02:04:54 pm
Subject: United in the news:
A few new slogans for United Airlines:
Our prices can't be beaten.  But our passengers can.
Board as a doctor.  Leave as a patient.
We put the hospital in hospitality.
We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.
We have an offer you can't refuse.  No, really…
Not enough seating?   Prepare for a beating.
We treat you like we treat your luggage.
We beat the customer, not the competition.
And you thought leg room was an issue.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 16, 2017, 03:18:28 pm
Happy Easter!   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 17, 2017, 03:15:22 pm
Son: " Dad why is my sister called Teresa?" Dad: "Because your Mum loves Easter-it's an anagram". Son: "Thanks Dad".  Dad: "You're welcome Alan ".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 17, 2017, 11:30:36 pm
More cartoons.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 18, 2017, 09:57:35 pm
There seems to be no end to funny cartoons.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 19, 2017, 02:41:51 pm
Flawless Male Logic
This is a conversation between a man and his wife.  Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman:  Do you drink beer? Man:  Yes
Woman:  How many beers a day? Man:  Usually about three
Woman:  How much do you pay per beer? Man:  $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman:  And how long have you been drinking? Man:  About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct? Man:  Correct
Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man:  Correct
Woman:  Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man:  Do you drink beer?
Woman:  No. Man:  Where's your airplane?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 19, 2017, 03:15:15 pm
Here is a clear explanation of how a Honda racing seamless gearbox works:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__lheqeERb4
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on April 20, 2017, 12:12:06 pm
Here is a clear explanation of how a Honda racing seamless gearbox works:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__lheqeERb4

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ...this sort of things are being sold perpetually.

The art of the deal is to talk with high confidence about things you've got no clue about.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 21, 2017, 03:14:53 pm
The Garda Traffic Corps found a large number of dead crows on the M8 just outside Cork recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 22, 2017, 11:08:48 pm
The mechanic was just finishing the blonde's car service when he said to the apprentice, "Just pass me the lubricant will you please, Tim?" "Oh dear," said the watching blonde. "Can't I just pay cash?"

I walked in the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?" "I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month." "You don't want to get married," he said. "That's when the blowjobs stop." "I don't mind that," I replied. "I hate giving her them anyway."

My wife got confused and went to see a tree surgeon instead of a plastic surgeon. Mind you, she does have a very nice bush now.

"Who wants to feed the hippos?" I excitedly asked my children on a day trip. "Can you please leave?" said Doreen, the Weight Watchers meeting leader.

Here at the Institute of Innuendo we take cleanliness very seriously. All knobs must be polished, all 69 rooms given a good going over and the back door must be kept serviced at all times.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 23, 2017, 04:53:38 am
I was standing at the urinal relieving myself and noticed the guy next to me was just finishing up.

He promptly walked over to the sinks and started washing his hands.
I on the other hand finished up and headed for the exit.

He said in a loud voice,
"Aren't you going to wash your hands?  I went to the University of Arizona and they taught us to always wash our hands after urinating."

I said, "That's nice.  I went to Arizona State University and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 23, 2017, 11:40:15 pm
More Sunday funnies.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 25, 2017, 04:22:11 pm
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then, after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets, and, when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps, not helmets, on our heads. As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing...that's why! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. -- And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.. We did not have Play Stations, Nintendos and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from those accidents. We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse. We ate worms, and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, 22 rifles for our 12th, rode horses,made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and - although we were told it would happen - we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever. The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of those born between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 25, 2017, 11:08:57 pm
Tuesday cartoons.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 26, 2017, 03:26:04 pm
The importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $2000 per month.
___________________________________

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
__________________________________

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
______________________________

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
____________________________________

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
________________________________________

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
______________________________________

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
____________________________________

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
____________________________________

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
__________________________________

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
__________________________________

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
___________________________________

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 27, 2017, 03:48:33 pm
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out,"Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nympho-maniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?"  he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best." "I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 28, 2017, 10:49:34 pm
I bet jellyfish are sad there are no peanut butter fish.

I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of lines quicker.It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.
********************
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.
********************
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.
********************
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you Twat"
********************
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses and all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.
******************** HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
********************
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he’s funny that way.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad......... She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
********************
Little boy blue......... He needed the money.

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him in the other direction. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, 'Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!' The guy flying up looks down and yells, 'No, do you know anything about gas ovens?!'

I've been saving a fortune lately.  Instead of spending a fortune ringing expensive sex lines, I ring the Samaritans and say, "talk dirty or I'll kill myself.

Belgian kiss..... Similar to French kiss ....just more FLEM

A lady walked into a chemist and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 30, 2017, 12:30:35 am
I just sold Buckingham Palace to some dickhead Nigerian tourist for £250 million. I gave him my bank details and he's going to transfer the money to me by the end of the day.

You know the porn cinema you're in is a good one when you're glued to your seat before the movie even starts.

NEWS JUST IN: The Home Office confirms there'll be no presents this year, regardless of whether you've been naughty or nice, following a pre-emptive raid under tougher immigration rules. A spokesman said the UKBA were acting on a tipoff that an elderly man was planning to enter the country without permission on the morning of 25th December. Further charges are expected since it has been confirmed that the man was planning to bring livestock into the UK without the appropriate licenses.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The_Rigger on April 30, 2017, 09:30:01 pm
A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."

My enjoyment of this is diminished...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 30, 2017, 11:41:34 pm
A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..

Ladies call me Amazon Prime..... Because I'm cheap... And I come a lot sooner than expected...  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on April 30, 2017, 11:57:58 pm
A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."

My enjoyment of this is diminished...

Mine was augmented - left me in 7th heaven...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on May 01, 2017, 02:21:10 pm
 ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on May 01, 2017, 06:29:53 pm
::)

He started it...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 01, 2017, 10:34:53 pm
Police women on horses were controlling crowds at a big football match. A man went up to one and said "Your horse is all sweaty" "You would be too if you'd been between my legs for four hours" she replied.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 01, 2017, 11:16:53 pm
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on May 02, 2017, 02:25:09 am
THE CLASSICS
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 03, 2017, 02:48:15 pm
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Nick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Nick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Nick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Nick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Nick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Nick sat up and watched me all night."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 05, 2017, 03:00:08 pm
 Philosophers of the Past Century

The only reason they say " Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars , but I was just as happy when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hanwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly , he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania and when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind : every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Old Italian proverb
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on May 08, 2017, 11:49:15 pm
After closing for the night, the pub owner opened the front door for his nightly walk home.
Looking down at the sidewalk he saw a large snail.
Picking it up, he gave a mighty heave and threw it across the road into the woods.

Three months later as he was leaving for the night he looked down and there, on the sidewalk, was the snail.

As he reached down for it, the snail said,

"So, what was THAT all about?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 10, 2017, 03:27:47 pm
Time for a few "hump day" cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 10, 2017, 03:28:57 pm
And four more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 11, 2017, 10:16:42 pm
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 12, 2017, 03:53:47 pm
I once had a fear of walls, but I got over it.

I've just been suspended from school,the head found out I had a blow job from 3 of the girls behind the gym. Somehow I don't think I'm cut out to be a teacher.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 15, 2017, 11:20:45 pm
Time to warm up the joke thread.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 15, 2017, 11:21:58 pm
Here are some more.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on May 16, 2017, 12:02:22 pm
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 16, 2017, 11:37:11 pm
A mother takes her young son to the toilet while out shopping. He stands at the toilet looking down and says "Daddy has two of these" "How do mean " says mum "Well he has a little one like mine he goes to the toilet with, and then he has a great big one he cleans nanny's teeth with when you're out getting your hair done"

I saw a clairvoyant laughing the other day, so I hit her.  I always like to strike a happy medium.

You know she needs to lose weight when your bathing towels dry faster then her undies on the washing line.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field? It was the pot calling the cattle back!

I woke up this morning with a huge stiffy. My obese wife had died in her sleep.

My fat wife has started going to the gym. She looks as fit as a cello.

I'm going on a blind date tonight and I've got those nagging questions going round my head. Is she going to find me attractive? Will we hit it off? And if all else fails, would she recognise me in a police line-up?

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 17, 2017, 03:32:18 pm
It's Hump day again.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 17, 2017, 10:50:01 pm
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

My late wife never knew when to stop talking. Probably explains why she drowned. One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers." "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of pants for that suit." "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."

I was sent to Prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long." He replied, "Well, the Judge did give you 6 years." "Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out. She's never let me finish a sentence before”

There I was floundering around on the couch, hardly able to keep my head up. After puking on myself, I peed on my mom and then laughed so hard about it kicking my feet into the air while waving my arms about. I sure was rowdy at six months of age.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 18, 2017, 01:37:31 am
I quit my job as a fortune teller because the future's not what it used to be.

Did you hear about the vertically challenged clairvoyant that escaped from jail? The headline read "Small medium at large"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 18, 2017, 02:53:08 pm
Thursday funnies (not as good as Wednesday funnies).  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 18, 2017, 11:19:21 pm
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 365 East West Street. By mistake, he went to 365 WEST East Street, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon. He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

I've been invited to my first Constipation Anonymous meeting next week. Unfortunately there's no way I can go.

I wanted to learn some pagan rituals, So I bought a druid yourself book.

A fella has 3 daughters, all about 16, named Flo, France and Luck. There is a knock at the door, the Father opens it to see a young man standing there. "I'm Joe and I've come to take Flo to the show. Can she go?" Flo appears and off they trot. 5 mins later there is another knock, and Daddy opens up to see another young man. "I'm Vance and I've come to take France to the dance. Any chance?" And of they go into the night. Another 5 mins passes, and there is another knock. A third young man is at the door. "My name's Chuck" "I think you better go home" Says the Dad.

THE ITALIAN FIDELITY TEST:  I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 19, 2017, 10:46:19 pm
It's Friday.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 21, 2017, 10:55:57 pm
Sunday funnies.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 22, 2017, 11:38:37 pm
At a bar...  Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!" Eyes now wide with interest, he responds: "No kidding, I'm in banking too! Which one are you with, Barclays, Lloyds, B of A, or Wells Fargo?"

I had a few mates round for a game of cards when my son came in, "OK dad, I'm off now. I'll see you later. " "Alright Jack, break a leg.” I answered. "Well fancy that,” said big Gary, one of the card players, "he's the last person in the world I would have expected to go on the stage.” "Don't be a prick, “I replied, "He works for greasy Vance, the loan shark.”

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'

British hospitality: Ralph, an American citizen aged 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public toilets. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate. Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet." "Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away, anywhere you want." Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the bobby's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?" "No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the American Embassy, and does not come under English law.

 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 23, 2017, 03:38:55 pm
An elderly man walks in to the famous restaurant, Lucas Carton in Paris, with his girlfriend and orders a bottle of Mouton Rothschild 1928. The waiter returns with a full bottle of wine and fill up a small amount of glass for tasting. the Guest takes up his glass, smell the wine, but put the glass down firmly again and says, "This is not a Rothschild 1928 Mouton!" The waiter says it is and soon it's about 20 people around the table, including the chef and director, all attempts to convince the man that the wine is a 1928 Mouton Rothschild. Then one of them asks how the guest can be so sure that this wine isn't a 1928 Mouton Rothschild? He responds, "My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make that wine!" Finally, the waiter admits that he was right and that he here bestows a Clerc Milo 1928. The waiter says, "I could not bear the thought that we should distinguish ourselves with our last bottle of Mouton Rothschild 1928. You know Clerc Milo comes from the same village as Mouton, picking the grapes at the same time, the same type of basket, you break them in the same way, you put the wine in the same type of barrels. You tap over bottled at the same time. The two wines are exactly the same; the only difference is the tiny geographical distance between the vineyards! " Rothschild replies to the waiter: "When you get home tonight, ask your wife to take off her panties. Put one finger in the front opening of her, and another finger in the rear opening. Smell both your fingers and you will quickly discover the huge difference that the tiny geographical distance represents ...”

I was having a quiet drink at the bar, when this gorgeous oriental bird came up to me and whispered in my ear: "Can I suck your cock?" I said, "I think you'll find that it's MAY I suck your cock." "Okay then, you go first," she said.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on May 24, 2017, 01:33:14 am
Two men from the Southern United States were visiting Arizona when one of them said, "I gotsta take a leak".

With that, he walked over behind a large bush and proceeded to pull his tool out and started "watering the bush".

Suddenly, he heard the distinctive rattling of a large rattlesnake.
Fast as an arrow, it launched itself toward the mans tool and sunk its venomous teeth in.

The man screamed and ran back to his friend saying, "I've been bit by a rattlesnake.  See the holes it made?"

His friend said, "Sit down here in the shade and don't move around.  I've heard that is the first thing to remember.
I'll go to town and get the doctor."
With that, he roared off down the road towards town.

After finding the only doctor in town, he explained his friends situation.
The doctor said, "I'd like to go out there with you but I've got an emergency at the hospital.
Here's what you need to do.
Take a sharp knife and make a cut at each puncture.  Then, suck out all of the poison, wrap the area with clean cloth and bring him to town as fast as possible."

When the man got back to his friend,  the now sweating and rapidly breathing victim asked, "What did the doctor say?"

His friend said, "You gonna die!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 24, 2017, 02:13:08 pm
It's Hump Day again.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 24, 2017, 11:17:37 pm
The other night I was expecting an important phone call, so I slept with my mobile under the pillow. When I woke up, it was gone and there was just a shiny new fifty pence piece where I'd left it. Damn that blue-tooth fairy!

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so....... Do you have a piece of gum?

What has three legs and a keen eye for lesbians? My tripod mounted binoculars.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 30, 2017, 01:51:37 am
Never Mess with a Woman!

WOMAN'S REVENGE:  'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS : A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because 'it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper'. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she."

WIFE VS. HUSBAND: A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep" the wife replied. "In-laws"

WORDS: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION: A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

WHO DOES WHAT: A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: 'HEBREWS'

THE SILENT TREATMENT: A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM". He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The last thing Mrs. Lincoln said to him was "Would it kill you to take me to the theater every now and then?"



Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 30, 2017, 02:40:33 pm
They just keep on coming.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 31, 2017, 02:44:08 pm
It's fine to say "I'm coming!" when you're running to catch a bus, but totally inappropriate to say the same thing when you're on it.

I asked the librarian if she had any good books on voyeurism. "How the fuck did you get into our bedroom!" her husband demanded.

One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge. They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." "No problem," said the Hindu. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Scouser and the Jew to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.  It was the Hindu. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it." The Scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig.

Leather Dresses: Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag.

 A pirate with a ship's wheel sticking out of his pants (trousers) walks into a bar (pub) and orders a rum (of course) from the bartender (barman). The bartender (barman) serves the rum, glances at the pirate and asks, "Hey, pirate, what's that ship's wheel doing sticking out of your pants (trousers)?" The pirate says, "It's drivin' me nuts!"  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 01, 2017, 02:59:05 pm
Over-The-Hump-Day jokes.   ;D

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvellous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

I decided to do some clandestine research on the basic mistakes murderers made before actually killing my wife. "What kind of thing would lead you to suspect the husband?" I asked. "Well," the desk sergeant pondered. "Turning up at a police station and asking suspicious questions whilst wearing a Groucho Marx glasses and false nose disguise would probably be a big giveaway."

My sex doll and I have been together for exactly a year today. To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book:
'Sex Tips for Dummies'.

My neighbour's wife was arrested at that mass breastfeeding protest on Sunday. She's terrified her husband will find out.
So is the bloke who was arrested with her for sucking her tit.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!”  The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

The instep is the most efficient grandkids' Lego block detector...

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on June 04, 2017, 01:49:58 am
Why I don't exercise
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 05, 2017, 03:14:56 pm
My wife said, "I'll do anything you want in bed tonight." How is she ever going to cook a curry on a quilt?

Two Aliens talking.......  1st Alien... "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite based nuclear weapons".  2nd Alien "Are they an emerging intelligence"?  1st Alien.... "I don’t think so. They have them aimed at themselves".

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

My friend is a telemarketer. Sometimes, when he's relaxing, I'll call him out of the blue and piss him off.

Police in Cologne, Germany, say it is 'improper' to blame immigrants from North Africa for groping young German women on the rail stations at New Year, 'just because they were African'.  'As far as we can tell they ALL do that', he added. Meanwhile a man who groped Angela Merkel remains in custody. His guide dog has been bailed.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.  Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
Below are 11 replies: 1. Who the hell is this? 2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what? 3. Yeah and I love you too. What's up with you? 4. What now? Did you crash the car again? 5. I don't understand what you mean? 6. What the heck did you do now? 8. Don't beat about the bush; just tell me how much you need? 9. Am I dreaming? 10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on June 06, 2017, 02:28:11 am
An inconvenient truth (apologies to Gore)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 06, 2017, 02:47:15 pm
Getting close to Hump Day.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on June 07, 2017, 03:12:34 pm
 :o ...ad absurdum  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 07, 2017, 03:19:06 pm
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needed help with his luggage.
He replies, " No, I'm traveling light."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on June 07, 2017, 10:58:49 pm
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needed help with his luggage.
He replies, " No, I'm traveling light."

Nice!

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bartender here?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 09, 2017, 02:11:25 pm
Friday funnies.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 10, 2017, 11:05:15 pm
NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

“Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions”

“White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language”

“Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged”

“Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burka”

“Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat”

“Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think”

“Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success”

“Baby conceived naturally. Scientists completely puzzled”

“Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels”

“France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country comes forward”

“Jose Manuel Rodriguez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032”

“Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only”

“After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss”

“Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone”

“Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut”

“Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime”

“Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches”

“New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons”

“Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent”

“Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 11, 2017, 02:26:51 pm
Here are a few old and non-pc jokes:

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say “congratulations”
but none of them rub your dick and say “well done”?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. “Probably.“ said Paddy ”She burns everything else!”

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack? The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes “Boom” once.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 13, 2017, 03:21:28 pm
It's great hear "Jesus Loves You" in a church. Not so much in a Mexican prison.

I used to own a time machine. But that was a good thirty years away.

After a long drive, I finally arrived home from work. Turning the corner, I noticed an ambulance parked outside my house; lights still flashing vibrantly. I froze instantly; shock ran through my motionless body as I attempted to come to terms with what I was witnessing...  The bastard had taken my parking space!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 13, 2017, 11:03:20 pm
   PROOFREADING A DYING ART?

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter -  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No - do you really think so?

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Now that's taking things a bit far!

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes - Over What a guy!

    Miners Refuse to Work after Death - No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - See if that works any better than a fair trial!

    War Dims Hope for Peace - I can see where it might have that effect!

    If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile - you think?!

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Who would have thought!

    Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - They may be on to something!

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

    Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge - He probably IS the battery charge!

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Weren't they fat enough?!

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - That's what he gets for eating those beans!

    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Do they taste like chicken?

    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Boy, are they tall!

    And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Did I read that right?
     

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 15, 2017, 02:15:24 pm
More cute cartoons.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 16, 2017, 12:48:00 am
I see that Sony decided not to offer clean, edited, versions of released movies where they remove all of the profanity, violence and sex scenes so people with children can watch them.

They say the reason is the directors of the films might object to the modifications but, I know the real reason.

There isn't any market for 15 minute long, silent movies anymore.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 16, 2017, 02:22:29 pm
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... And guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation ..... She never got your email!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 18, 2017, 01:52:20 am
A “Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop: ... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on June 26, 2017, 12:46:55 am
Marriage can be a good thing---
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 03, 2017, 03:39:10 pm
Two Rules of Business: 1) Mind your own. 2) Stay the fuck out of mine.

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. "What's wrong with you?" said the priest. "Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." "Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain?"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you." "That's an incredible story." said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?" "Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep I would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed, And that my lord is the case for the Defence........ "

A man walks into a doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the physician. "It's, well, I have five penises," replies the man. "Holy crap!" says the doctor, "How do your pants fit?" "Like a glove."

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the Stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the Stork, Miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a Shag in Scarborough.........

All women can benefit from the wisdom of the Navajo: A woman is driving toward home in northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long etc, she stops the car and the Navajo woman gets in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag" offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "I can see that, but what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 04, 2017, 02:46:25 pm
Happy day!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on July 04, 2017, 06:47:53 pm
Happy Treason day indeed... Bigly!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on July 05, 2017, 02:17:00 am
Considering the current state of affairs her, I'm sure today is Thanksgiving in the U.K.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 07, 2017, 03:11:33 pm
Time for a few more jokes:

A bloke is sat on the sofa watching TV when his wife comes in. 'Notice anything different about me?' she asks. 'Nah, not particularly. Had a haircut?’ 'No, not that' 'Oh, bought some new jewelery?' ‘Nope' 'A new dress then?' 'No, not that either'
'I give up then' 'I'm wearing a gas mask'.

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.” When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Little Johnny has a sick dog called Rex. After a visit to the Vet, his Dad tells Little Johnny that Rex will not live more than another month. “But Rex wouldn’t want you to be sad” said his Dad “He’d want you to have happy memories of him.” “Can we give him a funeral?” asked Johnny. “Of course you can” said his Father. “And can I invite all my friends?” asked Johnny. “Yes, certainly” replied Dad. “And can we have cake and ice cream?” asked Johnny. “You can have all the cake and ice cream you want” said his dad. “Dad” said Little Johnny “Can we put Rex down today?” …

Creation: Snoopy's Version -
•On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
•On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
•On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as food for the dog.
•On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labour for the good of the dog.
•On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
•On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
•On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

The Dalai Lama buys a hot dog and hands the vendor a twenty dollar bill. After a few minutes, the Dalai Lama asks, "Where's my change?" The hot dog vendor replies, "Buddy, change comes from within."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 10, 2017, 02:30:55 pm
Time to brighten up your Monday:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an: "A+"!

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 13, 2017, 11:16:14 pm
I like this cartoon.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on July 13, 2017, 11:31:48 pm
I saw something the other day that took me back to the past and made me smile.

My neighbor employs a young woman to take care of their kids while they are away at work.

Just the other day, they decided the woman was doing such a good job with their children, she deserved a big raise in pay.

When they told her this, she ran outside onto the front lawn, jumping up and down, whooping it up and yelling for all she was worth.

Like I say, although years ago, back in the 1960's they were common, it isn't often that one sees a real, honest to goodness, Hootenanny any more.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Yamahawk on July 14, 2017, 03:49:43 pm
A “Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop: ... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

Have you ever been to Engagement, Ohio?
It's right between Dayton and Marion...  ::) 8)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 17, 2017, 02:14:05 pm
A genuine selection of personal ads from Ministry of Sound Magazine over the years:
ARE YOU AGED 18-30, female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and political activist? If so, fuck off. I want a shit-thick 16 year old with no opinions and massive tits. Reply to box xxxx
WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to the left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now. Reply to xxxx
ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and my mates are going to nick all your valuables while you're out because we're thieving scally bastards.
IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are fucking trying to get some sleep.
ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control? Please write to me. I'd love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't worry, there's nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm going to have a...ummm...a PARTY! Yes, that's it. A party. Reply xxxx
WANTED: COCAINE. Lots of it. Reply to xxxx
WERE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you.

After Unilever placed a job advert for a 'Polish Production Operative' in Liverpool they received 2.2 million responses. 25 of which were from people who wanted to work producing furniture polish and the rest were Daily Mail readers wanting to complain about Polish people taking our jobs.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password on the Internet. It's not stroganoff.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 17, 2017, 10:26:02 pm
What’s for dinner?” the children ask.

“I think we’ll have a barbecue, as it is so sunny!” says Mummy.

“A barbecue?”the children say “But we are hungry! And Daddy won’t be home for ages! How can we have a barbecue?”

“I am going to barbecue!” says Mummy.

The children look dubious. Is this possible? A woman as Doctor Who is one thing, but MUMMY barbecuing? This is a strange and new concept.

“Yes!” says Mummy “I am perfectly capable of barbecuing, because I am going to let you in on a little secret, my darlings- IT’S JUST COOKING OUTSIDE! There is actually nothing particularly mysterious or complicated about it.

“Does Daddy know you are going to barbecue?” asks the Boy Child bravely.

“No,” says Mummy “It is nothing to do with him, I don’t need his permission to touch the bastarding barbecue, you know!”

“Are you sure, Mummy?” says the Girl Child “Daddy says barbecuing is very difficult and complex, and only a Manly Man can barbecue because Fire. And then I think he said something about woolly mammoths, and beer! You are not a Manly Man, Mummy, how will you manage to barbecue without a lady to fetch and carry things while you guard the Fire?”

“Pshaw!” says Mummy “Bollocks to that, barbecuing is a piece of piss. In fact, the only difficult thing about barbecuing is what a performance your bloody father makes of it!”

Mummy lights the barbecue. Mummy cooks the food. Mummy manages to fetch herself top ups of pink sunshine wine, and take the cooked things inside and bring out the next things to go on the barbecue ALL BY HERSELF. Even more astonishingly, the fucking fire was absolutely fine, even though Mummy did not spend the whole time standing over it, refusing to move more than three inches away from the barbecue BECAUSE SHE WAS BARBECUING AND SO COULD NOT STEP AWAY, NOR EVEN LOOK AWAY, as Daddy claims is the case when he is barbecuing.

Daddy comes home and says “Something smells yummy! Are the neighbours having a barbecue?”

The children say “MUMMY barbecued, Daddy! On YOUR barbecue. Mummy says barbecuing is a piece of piss and you are nothing but a bloody drama queen with the way you carry on and pretend barbecuing is very tricky and can only be done by men!”

Daddy turns pale. “MUMMY barbecued?” he cries “But how can this be? Did she even drink beer? How did she light it? Did she know the exact right moment to spread the coals out, that has to be carefully watched for? How would she even know when that moment was? Only a Man can know that, it is part of the Manly Lore, handed down through the generations! My barbecue is sullied now, and TAINTED by her feminine wiles! There is far more to the Noble Art Of Barbecuing than a bag of instant lighting charcoal and a packet of chicken drumsticks, you know.”

“There’s really not, actually! Now do shut up and have a burger, you pretentious twat!” snaps Mummy “The game’s up, mate! I’M going to do the barbecuing from now on, and you can be my bitch!”

Daddy weeps quietly to himself. He knew no good could come of a lady Doctor. It is giving women Ideas. Mummy has put bunting on his barbecue. He can barely even bring himself to look at it. Poor Daddy. Deep in his soul he knows it is only a matter of time before Mummy paints his shed duck egg blue and hangs jaunty curtains at the windows and fills it with cushions, for nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on July 18, 2017, 05:37:23 am
Helping Hand=
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest having a wank!!
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating” the priest replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father ?" he asked
"Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on July 19, 2017, 07:57:51 pm
HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS---
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 19, 2017, 11:34:54 pm
This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'. NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. /ONLY IN AMERICA ..../ /NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD/ /THINK WE'RE NUTS/

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...
TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
TRUTH 2: When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats." But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job." Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE: 1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle. 2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name. 3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again. 4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk. 5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE: Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.



Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: malky on July 20, 2017, 11:30:41 am
 8)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 21, 2017, 03:20:03 pm
Check this out.   :o   
http://www.thelaughbible.com/brings-ikea-stool-shower-now-thousands-laughing-embarrassing-incident/
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 22, 2017, 02:18:42 pm
There were 2 vampires bats in a cave, 1st one says - i must have blood 2nd one says - its nearly daylight you can't go out now, but the 1st one did, and came back 2 minutes later, his mouth dripping of blood, 1st bat says - were did you get blood from at this time of the day 2nd bat says - come to the edge of the cave and i'll show you, now you see that field, and you see that big oak tree right in the middle of it -- well i didn't.

My dad was sacked today , after he almost fell out of a crane, working on the new part of the hospital He was suspended on medical grounds.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline." "You don't have much of a case," he replied.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning. His buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 300 km/h when it smacked me right in the nuts!” The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt …....."

I tried to join the Jehovah's Witnesses but I couldn't get my foot in the door.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 23, 2017, 01:50:11 pm
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7... Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible.
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1... If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'
They don't say, 'Hurry up.'
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' 
It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes six hours to open my Christmas gifts.......

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking.

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper. Thankfully those days are behind me.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?" "I'm at my anger management class." "How's it going?" "Not good, I'll fill you in later."

 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 23, 2017, 02:13:20 pm
Irony and Satire
~ Desmond Tutu... When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Howard Hughes... I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb... After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr... The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor... I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy... You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips.... A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Spike Milligan.... The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Robin Hall... Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...  Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden... We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz... In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson... If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Steve Martin... Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell... America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts... The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters... If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 24, 2017, 03:16:53 pm
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 25, 2017, 01:36:45 am
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

How many days in a retired persons week? Seven. Six Saturdays and one Sunday.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.

Question : What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
(Kind of reminds me of Garfield the cat.   ;))
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 26, 2017, 11:45:46 pm
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it." --- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde
He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

The Laws of Life:
1 After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will need to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt or screw when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being seen is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – someone always answers.
5. Variation Law – If you change traffic lanes, the lane you left will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theatre & Football Ground – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and who leave early before the performance or game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people are also very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of a piece of buttered and honeyed toast landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking – A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law – If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancée to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. A father invites his daughters fiancée to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he says. "A Torah scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 28, 2017, 10:33:12 pm
A guy was throwing money into an outhouse. Another guy comes up and asks, ‘What the hell are you doing?’ The first guy says, ‘I dropped a dollar down there, and I ain’t go-in down there for just a dollar.’

Why did the old lady fall in the well? Because she didn’t see that well.”

Two cannibals sit around a campfire. One says ‘Man, I hate my mother-in-law.’ The other one says, ‘Well, then, try the potatoes.

Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei calls Trump and tells him, "Donald, stay out of office. because last night I had a wonderful dream. I could see America , the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks. Ali replies, "United States of Iran." Trump says, "You know, Ali, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner." "What did it say on the banners?" Ali asks. Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moshe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on August 03, 2017, 10:19:24 pm
A young seamstress had a problem so she went to her obstetrician-gynecologist.

He was unable to help her with her difficulty.

It seems she couldn't mend straight.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 04, 2017, 02:28:54 pm
I changed my RS horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their name.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on August 04, 2017, 11:14:03 pm
my mexican friend was freaking out, but I couldn't understand his panic.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on August 05, 2017, 04:15:58 pm
Have I showed you my new wallet? It's made from elephant foreskin leather. When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 05, 2017, 11:11:34 pm
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie." 'She replied, 'Aw, Jock that's nice. Are you taking me tae the pub with you?" 'Nay," Jock replied. "I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot."

When I was a kid I cried and cried when I found out that cats only had one life. I would never have put Tiddles in the microwave if I had known.

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss. "Just pop it in the corner" he said. It took me five fucking hours!

I noticed today that some people don't like you smacking children in public for being naughty. Especially when they're not yours.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 08, 2017, 02:50:54 pm
    We are in deep trouble...

    The population of the USA is 300 million.
    160 million are retired.
    That leaves 140 million to do the work.
    There are 85 million in school.
    Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
    Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
    Leaving 20 million to do the work.
    2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !!
    Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
    Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
    At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
    Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
    Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
    That leaves just two people to do the work.
    You and me.
    And there you are, Sitting on your ass,
    At your computer, reading jokes..   ;D
    Nice. Real nice,
    DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING!!!

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 10, 2017, 01:20:12 am
The way it works.  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 10, 2017, 03:02:19 pm
A little green chemist,
On a green little day,
Mixed some little green chemicals,
In a green little way.
Now the green little grasses
Tenderly wave
Over the green little chemists
Green little grave.

Charlie was a chemist,
but Charlie is no more.
What Charlie thought was H2O,
was H2SO4.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 13, 2017, 02:06:03 pm
The second worst thing a mechanic can say to you: "Yeah, they do that." The first worst thing a mechanic can say to you: " Shit, I've never seen that before!"  :o

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student: The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+  ;D
     

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 14, 2017, 02:27:38 pm
I organized a threesome the other day. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

I hate my job, quality control at the strobe-light factory. I'm busy working bloody hard, and everyone else is just standing still.

Nobody knows how many feminists it takes to screw in a light bulb. Guess whose fault that is....

I once took a librarian on a date, she cost me a fortune. My own fault though, I kept her out too long.

I was bullied mercilessly at school, because of my appearance. ........... every time I made one.

The nurses at my granddads' old peoples home have nicknamed him Spiderman. He can't get out of the bath on his own.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 16, 2017, 02:28:26 pm
I spent three hours trying to burn down my ex-wife's new home, but eventually I gave up and went home. If only she hadn't left me for an Eskimo.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'  'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father..' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.  'Oh Father, may I touch it?'  The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 18, 2017, 03:16:37 pm
Walking on the Grass:  The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on soft surfaces, like a grass path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 20, 2017, 02:34:33 pm
Introducing the New Doctor to the Community: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." "Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on August 20, 2017, 08:44:00 pm
https://youtu.be/BR_LviCwSiY

Anyone likes a tank?!  :o :o :o  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 22, 2017, 10:27:15 pm
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" (Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
------------------------------ ------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."They were seated immediately.
------------------------------ ------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------ ------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------ ------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a Wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------ ------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
------------------------------ -----------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------ --------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 23, 2017, 03:13:28 pm
Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, “I can’t drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that.” “Just put the jacket on backwards.” His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out. A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, “Are they showing any signs of life?” “Well,” the farmer explained, “the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously drunk that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. “This equipment must be broken!” he exclaimed. “I doubt it,” said the man, “You see, tonight I am the designated decoy… I haven’t had a drink all day!”

Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them: “I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now.” The bear (being greedy) went first. I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me.” A magical sound and it was done. Then the rabbit. “I would like a helmet.” This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet. It was the bear’s turn again. “I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female.” A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit went again. “I would like a motorcycle.” Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn’t just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle. The bear took his last wish. “I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me.” A magical sound and it was done. The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, and said “I wish the bear was gay” and took off like a bat out of hell.

A police officer pulled over two nuns riding on a motorcycle, and said to the rider, ‘Ma’am, you’re driving much too slowly, could you please drive faster?”]And the nun says, ‘Oh, I saw the sign with the “21” and assumed the speed limit was 21 km/h”. The officer explains: ‘No ma’am, the speed limit is 80. The highway number is Interstate 21.” Then the police officer look at the passenger and see the other nun shaking like a leaf. “Excuse me sister, but what’s wrong with your passenger?” “Oh, that’s probably because we just got off Highway 205.

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well soon……. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 23, 2017, 10:46:44 pm
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $3.00 and deer nuts are under a buck.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning, in an arrogant manner, that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.  Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"  Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them. There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Yamahawk on August 24, 2017, 08:46:16 pm
Found on a shi*house wall -
"The many products of pen in hand,
Could make you 10 or 15 grand...
But, here we all, in silence sit.
And read this shi*house poet's wit..."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on August 24, 2017, 11:27:43 pm
Those who write on shit house walls
Should roll their shit in little balls.
Those who read what is writ
Should eat those little balls of shit.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: portisheadric on August 25, 2017, 08:55:18 am
I'm surprised at the number of toilets Kilroy visited.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on August 25, 2017, 12:17:25 pm
----and there those who think the eclipse was a complete bust-----
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 25, 2017, 02:29:56 pm
Found on a public bathroom wall - "The many products of pen in hand, Could make you 10 or 15 grand... But, here we all, in silence sit. And read this shi*house poet's wit..."

I'm surprised at the number of toilets Kilroy visited.

I asked my astronomer friend how work was going. He said it was looking up.

Two Harley owners were riding through the back woods two lanes when they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. The first Harley owner pulls his chopper over, parks it, gets off, walks up to the sheep, pulls down his pants & does the sheep to the tune of a lot of grunting and bleating. Then he turns to his buddy and said, "OK it's your turn now." So his buddy sticks his head in the fence.

A man goes for a prostate exam.The proctologist is checking him out when he finds a roll of hundreds up the guys ass. He pulls out the money and counts it "You're not going to believe this but I've just found $1900 dollars up your ass" "Hmmm" says the patient "That's why I haven't been feeling too grand"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on August 25, 2017, 03:20:42 pm
My all time favorite;

"Dyslexics of the world, untie!" :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 26, 2017, 02:38:22 pm
I was standing at the bus stop, just finishing my cigarette, when suddenly it left without me. I could've sworn I put the handbrake on.

The chief of staff of US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins. He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?” The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!” The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?” The young man says, “I chop wood!” “Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?” “I chop wood!” “Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!” “Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!” “Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!” The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it.

I don't really remember much about the first time I met my wife. I just opened my wallet and there she was.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 03, 2017, 02:18:42 pm
 I helped my wife with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

 Why did the chicken cross the road? To get out of range of N Korea's Missiles.

  What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? Ones a little heavy and the other is a little lighter.
     

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Yamahawk on September 07, 2017, 03:14:31 pm
Famous Quotes:
There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
                                                                  Henry Adams (1838-1918)

You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
                                                                  John J. Plomp

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.
                                                                  Bill Gates (1955 - )

There is only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
                                                                  Clint Eastwood (1930 - )

He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.
                                                                  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)

Deeds, not stones, are the monuments of the great.
                                                                  John L. Motley (1814 - 1877)

How does a project get to be a year behind schedule? One day at a time.
                                                                  Fred Brooks

Genuine goodness is threatening to those at the opposite end of the moral spectrum.
                                                                  Charles Spencer

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
                                                                  Walt kelly (1913 - 1973) "Pogo"

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
                                                                  Sidney J. Harris

Never promise more than you can perform.
                                                                  Publicus Syrus ( ~100 B.C.)

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the Mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.
                                                                  Albert Einstein ( 1879 - 1955)

It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
                                                                  Jerome K. Jerome (1859 - 1927)

There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking.
                                                                   Alfred Korzybsky (1879 - 1950)

I'm as pure as the driven slush.
                                                                   Talulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968)

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.
                                                                    Elsa Maxwell

Enjoy your day, and do it well!
                                                                    Yamahawk (1956 - )
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 12, 2017, 02:53:40 pm
The three most Famous Lies: 1) Your check is in the mail. 2) I'll respect you in the morning. 3) I'm with the government and I'm here to help.

My wife and I had sex in the plumbers' position today.  We stayed in all day and nobody came.

My lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

I hate it when my mother talks to my friends about sex. But at least she gets £4.50 a minute for it.

"Heard an interesting fact today..." Said my wife, earlier, "that carrots can prevent cancer." "I think you mean tomatoes." I corrected her. "Don't talk like a idiot." She snapped. "How can carrots prevent tomatoes!?"

Does running late count as exercise? No, but jumping to conclusions does.

I just found the perfect place to hide a dead body, a place no one ever looks. Page two of Google's search results.

I was offered 8 legs of Venison yesterday for £200. That was two dear.

I am a recovering alcoholic and I'm proud to say I'm now 200 days sober. I was devastated though when my counsellor told me the days have to be in a row.

Why is the vegetable band so popular? it has a great beet.

A Glaswegian went to the off-licence on Friday afternoon on his bike. He bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the basket.
As he was about to leave, he thought to himself that if he fell off the bike the bottle would break. So he drank all the Scotch before he cycled home.  It turned out to be a very good decision, because he fell off seven times before he got home.

My Great Grandfather had his tongue shot off in the 1st world war. But he never talked about it.

I was addicted to swimming, but I'm very proud to say I've been dry for six years now.

My new wife and I had our first argument one hour after our wedding... Apparently she wanted to be in the photographs as well.

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection." I said, "Why is that?" He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

I had such a massive hangover this morning and just stood in the shower for nearly an hour. Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 13, 2017, 02:03:41 am
After the big loss to Oklahoma last week, Ohio State University is thinking of replacing head coach Urban Meyer with his brother, Rural Meyer.

Oral Roberts brother Rectal thinks it would be a change for the good.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Yamahawk on September 16, 2017, 12:28:21 am
The Difference between... Theory... and Reality.

A young boy came home from school one day, and asked his father, "Dad, what the difference was between Theory, and Reality?"
His dad said, "well son, I will give you two examples... now, go ask your mom, if she would sleep with any man in the world for a million dollars..."
So the young boy went and asked his mom, who was cooking supper.
She said, "well, I haven't slept with any other man but your father since we were married over 20 years ago... but, for a million dollars, I could send you and your sister to the best college in the land, and we could live very comfortably for the rest of our lives... you know, I might consider it!"
So the boy went and told his dad what mom said, and then his dad said...
"Now son, go ask your 17 year old sister if she would sleep with any man in the world for TWO million dollars!"
Well, the boy went upstairs, and found his sister getting ready to go see her boyfriend, and he asked her, and she said,
" Oh my, I have been saving myself for my husband, but... for TWO MILLION DOLLARS, I could give to charities, and fix some of the problems our world has, and do good for us all... I might consider it!"
So the young boy goes back and tells his dad, and his dad says...
"Well son, here is the difference between Theory and Reality...
In Theory, we are sitting on THREE MILLION DOLLARS!!! But in Reality, we are living...
with a couple of tramps."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on September 16, 2017, 04:23:52 pm
Rod Copes.

Need I say more?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on September 17, 2017, 05:42:09 am
 ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 18, 2017, 02:25:28 pm
Man driving down a road.
Woman driving up the same road.
They pass each other.
Man leans out of the window and shouts BIG FAT COW !
Woman shouts back FUCKING WANKER!
Woman turns round corner crashes into a huge cow and is instantly killed.
Moral of the story? If only women would fucking listen!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 18, 2017, 11:18:43 pm
Here are some funny jokes for a gloomy Monday:

The Wolverhampton Wanderers manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghan play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Wolves are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghan striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for them. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3. They call it a hat-trick, and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.' 'Just wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.’ ‘Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle, and your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings.’ But its ok because you’re having a great time!!' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' Sorry..??? Sorry...???? says his mum. 'It's your bloody fault we came to Wolverhampton in the first place!'

My wife was kidnapped about an hour ago and a ransom has been demanded which I'm definitely going to pay. They're threatening to bring her back if I don't.

I was driving down a country lane the other day when I spotted a farmer stood in the middle of a meadow, he wasn't doing anything, just stood there staring into space. Intrigued I parked the car up and walked across the field and asked him what he was doing. "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize" he replied. "How are you going to do that?" I asked. He replied that he had heard that the Nobel Prize was awarded to people who were outstanding in their field.

I'll tell you one thing I cannot stand. Two legged tripods.

My wife has been seeing a faith healer three times a week. I thought she was wasting her money, but I've been proved wrong. Despite doctors saying I am completely infertile, with the power of prayer, she is finally pregnant.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on September 22, 2017, 12:20:11 am

I'll tell you one thing I cannot stand. Two legged tripods.


Thank you so much. I neded that one!  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 27, 2017, 02:32:51 pm
Time for some more "Hump Day" jokes:

Can't believe I missed going to the gym today. That's 15 years in a row now.....

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo.

What did two raindrops say to another raindrop? Two's company, three's a cloud.

I opened the door this morning to find a six foot tall beetle standing there, he then punched me in the face and called me a twat. I'd heard there was a nasty bug going about.

I was so upset when I found out someone had built a 10 foot wall around my house. I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

What happens when you play Beethoven backwards? He decomposes.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they ran around going Bach! Bach! Bach!

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys? He was playing by ear.

Why was the piano player arrested? He got into treble with the cops.

What's the difference between a musician and a 14" pizza? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond? Eventually a savings bond will mature and earn money.

Why are pirates great singers? They can hit the high C's.

How do you make a bandstand? Take their chairs away.

How do you get a cello player to play in tune? Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Yamahawk on September 28, 2017, 01:36:13 pm
A Bear walks into a bar and orders a beer...
The bartender looks him up and down contemptuously,
And states flat out,
"I'm sorry but we don't serve Bears beer in thus bar!"
The Bear looks at the bartender, sneers at him back, and says,
"I'm gonna get real mad if you don't give me a beer, and I'm gonna get mean!"
The bartender replies,
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve belligerent Bears beer in this bar."
The bear, looking mean, says
"Ok, well I may beat you up then, if you don't give me a beer!"
The bartender looks a little scared, but states
"I'm really sorry, but we don't serve belligerent, bully Bears beer in this bar!"
The bear, now REALLY pissed off, looks over, and spots a platinum blonde in a miniskirt at the end of the bar...
"Well, you asked for it now... if you don't give me a beer, I'm gonna walk over and EAT that bimbo at the end of the bar!"
The bartender, looking scared, but confident, states...
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve belligerent, bully, blustering Bears beer in this bar!"
So... the Bear walks to the end of the bar, proceeds to EAT the blonde bimbo sitting there, saunters back to the bartender, and says...
"So, are you going to give me a beer now??"
The bartender looks at him calmly, and states...
I'm sorry, but we don't serve belligerent, bully, blustering Bears on drugs, beer in this bar!"
The bear, looking confused, says...
"But...but... I'm not on drugs... why do you say that??"
The bartender says...
"That was the Bar-bitch-you-ate!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 28, 2017, 03:18:12 pm
I had a girl friend who had a freaky clutch that needed lots of lubricating which I was happy to oblige until I found out she was getting serviced at a number of other dealerships. She must have had a dry clutch thrust bearing which needed constant attention.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 28, 2017, 11:10:02 pm
Duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle it.

Just been on Trip Advisor. They recommend LSD and magic mushrooms.

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

I've just got home after celebrating my wife's birthday. She doesn't look pleased to see me.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GLJ on September 28, 2017, 11:41:26 pm
funny bits
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GLJ on September 28, 2017, 11:57:00 pm
I checked myself into the Hokey Pokey clinic and turned myself around!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 29, 2017, 01:39:17 am
My doctor said I shouldn't worry about the bird flu. He claims it's tweetable.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.

I was getting into my car the other day and a man said 'can you give me a lift?' I said 'sure, you look great, chase your dreams, go for it!'

I watched a documentary on how ships are held together. It was riveting.

I was overcharged for Velcro last week. What a ripoff.

A train stops at a train station. A bus stops at a bus station. Now why is my desk called a 'work station'?

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 29, 2017, 11:12:49 pm
Found some good ones.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GLJ on September 30, 2017, 01:36:06 am
My mother always told me when I was young I was hard to convince about anything new. The neighbor girl convinced me.   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 30, 2017, 02:53:10 pm
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said,"Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.."

Pants and Panties:  Mike was going to be married to Karen. So his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have Never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on...' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me..' Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? A: A tear jerker.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!

Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory? A: Two Test-tickles

Q: What does a perverted frog say? A: Rubbit

Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road? A: It got stuck in a crack

Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common? A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

Why do walruses love a Tupperware party? They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.

What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where's popcorn?

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Otto_Ing on September 30, 2017, 03:20:38 pm
This just popped up.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 01, 2017, 10:51:39 pm
Making a homemade pregnancy test from toothpaste: 1 Open toothpaste. 2 Put 9 small blobs on the bathroom mirror. 3 After each month wipe away one blob. 4 Keep going until all blobs are removed. 5 Now search the house, if you find a baby, the test is positive. If you don't find a baby then yep, it's negative.

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, He's a catalytic converter.

I went duck shooting today. There were bits of yellow rubber everywhere and my kids climbed out of the bath screaming.

My doctor gave me six months to live. But I couldn't pay the bill, so he gave me another six months!

What's brown and sticky on the inside, and brown and sticky on the outside? Any open jar of Marmite.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 02, 2017, 03:18:19 pm
2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,487
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 03, 2017, 02:02:50 am
 Confucius say: Man who goes to bed with sex problem wakes up with solution in hand.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 03, 2017, 02:52:41 pm
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
 
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 04, 2017, 12:21:10 am
It was all a great mystery.

Suddenly, the toilets in several of the houses in a small town were stolen while the owners were away.

Within a week there were dozens of toilets missing and no one had a clue about who took them or why they were taken.

The local Police chief searched all of the local barns he could find but not a single toilet could be found.

Farmer Johnson had the misfortune of having his house burn to the ground so he had moved the few salvageable things that were left into his large greenhouse and was living in it.

One day, little Terry was walking thru the woods and cut across farmers Johnson's farm and he noticed something very unusual so he ran to town and told the Police Chief.

The Chief drove out to farmer Johnson's place and low and behold, clearly visible thru the glass walls of the greenhouse were all of the missing toilets.
He promptly arrested Mr. Johnson for the thefts.

The moral of the story is, "People who live in glass houses shouldn't stow throne's."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on October 04, 2017, 01:51:48 pm
Oooohh. ::)

 :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2017, 02:33:25 pm
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed..

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

Two things I learned in Catholic grade school. #1 Idle hands are the devils workshop. #2 Masturbation is a sin.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2017, 04:06:34 pm
Terrible aircraft show crash.   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: GLJ on October 09, 2017, 12:35:18 am
good one
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 09, 2017, 10:42:37 pm
60th year anniversary celebration:
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son no. 1, “Sorry I'm running late.
I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient.  You know how it is, and I
didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father, "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son no. 2 arrived . . . "You and Mom look great, Dad.  I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.  "Hello and happy anniversary!  Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing.  So I didn’t have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT?  You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too . . ."
 
 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 11, 2017, 01:26:14 am
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

6. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.

7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It is not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.

16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..

17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.

20. Have I sent this message to you before… or did I get it from you?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 11, 2017, 11:59:48 pm
If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

What do cannonballs do when they're in love? Make Bbs.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe Damnit!!! Breeathe!!!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.” The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
What do you call bears with no ears? “B”.

Why aren't koalas actual bears? They don't meet the koalafications.

What is red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees? They're very good at it.
 









Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 12, 2017, 02:50:18 pm
Murphy goes to his friend Paddy and says ...
    "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" Paddy doesn't like it but being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees. After the first service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Paddy what he's really up to. Paddy, feeling guilty about lying to a clergyman, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The Pastor smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Paddy's shoulder and says..."You'd better hurry home. My wife left me two years ago."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on October 15, 2017, 08:58:53 pm
Always seeking fitness
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2017, 02:29:26 pm
What breed of dog can jump higher than a tree? They all can. Trees can't jump.

What's black and white and red all over? A pregnant nun.

Backwards spelled forward is backwards.

What do you call a very funny mountain? Hill Arious.

They laughed when I told them I was going to do standup comedy. Well, they're not laughing now.

What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea? They would get wet.

Last words of a highly poisonous snake? Damn, I bit myself on the tongue.

What is transparent and smells like worms? A bird's fart.

Where do we get virgin wool? From ugly sheep.

Why are pigs not allowed to ride bicycles? Because they don't have thumbs to ring the bell.

What's green and sits in the corner crying? The Incredible Sulk.

Man to butcher "I'd like some bull testicles. "Butcher to man, "So would I."

What rhymes with orange? No it doesn't.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but the real question is how did they get in there?

What does osama bin laden and a salmon have in common? They're both fucked when the seals show up.

So this guy that suffers from premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2017, 02:30:47 pm
A southern gentleman went to Las Vegas . Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of aass?" "Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? You're an attractive guy too, and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?" When they returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress smiled at him and asked, "Will there be anything else?" "Why yes, " replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me. It was real sweet and right neighbourly of y'all. But where ah come from in Alabama, we lahk our bourbon real cold, so ah still need a piece of aass for mah drink."

What's worse than a magician pulling a rabbit out of your hat? Having him pull a hare from your snatch.

Panties aren't the best things on earth, but they are next to it.

What is the similarity between a woman and a Kentucky Fried Chicken? By the time you've finished with breast and thighs, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat? They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

What colour is a bee? Black and Yellow. How many wings does a bird have? Two. How many teeth does a cat have? I don't know. That's you're problem: You know a lot about the birds and the bees, but you don't know anything about pussy ...

A man in bed with his wife, reading a book. Every so often he reaches over and diddles her clit. "I've got a headache, I'm not interested. Quit trying to arouse me!" "Arouse you? Hell, I'm just wetting my finger so I can turn  the pages."

A young man of upper class took a walk in Soho on a very windy day. As he passed a young woman, the wind caught her skirt and lifted it above her head. The young man: Oh, it's airy, isn't it? The young woman: Yeah, what the hell did you expect? Feathers?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 16, 2017, 02:34:51 pm
A drunk was sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention. She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink." She gets her drink and goes away. Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes away again. The bartender asks the drunk how he knows she is a ballerina when she was a stranger and had never been in the bar before.  The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her
leg that high."

A manufacturer of nylon stockings tried to boost the sales by offering to print any text up on the stockings lining. A girl asked, "Can I have the text 'If you can read this you are too close'?" Salesman replies, "Sure which font and which size?" The girl purrs, "In Braille!"

Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was travelling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong. The woman replied "There's a man trying to molest me!" The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, "You must have scared off the man when you screamed." The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus. "What's wrong now?" asked the driver. The woman replied, "That man trying to molest me, he's under my seat!" The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy. The driver said to the man, "Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her." The man replies, "No, no, no! I'm just looking for my toupee. I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!"

Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?" The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz." Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course. Do it right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it. She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet. The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"

The Tomato Garden ...
An old gentleman lived alone in St Helens, Lancashire. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden, that's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, Scotland Yard arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now, that's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

You can't run in a campsite; you can only 'ran'. Because it's passed tents.

I was arrested yesterday for stealing helium balloons, The police held me for a while then let me go...

My daughter is about to give birth and I asked her if I could film it, "Fuck off," she said, "it was bad enough you filming the conception."

Whenever my parents told me to tidy up my room, I just shoved everything under my bed. My brother wasn't too happy about it though, he had the lower bunk.

I just saw the wife heading towards the Ann Summers shop with 40 vibrators. I told her, "You stupid cow! It's the clocks that go back tonight - the CLOCKS!"

My fat wife's new computer has facial recognition login, and it's a cinch for me to get on it when she's not around. All I have to do is drop my trousers, spread my cheeks and slap my arse a few times, and I'm in!!

I couldn't pick the criminal out of the police line up. They all looked the same with their uniforms, badges and guns.

The hardest part about starting a new relationship is learning how to fart silently again.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 17, 2017, 12:39:56 am
A 70 year old man found the girl of his dreams and although she was only 23 he did his best to court her.

His efforts proved to be worthwhile and soon they were married.

That's when he found her energy was far more than he was up to so he had an idea.

He bought her a nice new bicycle so she could burn off her extra energy.

The marriage didn't last long though.
He divorced her shortly after he found out she was now using her new bicycle to peddle her ass all over town.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 20, 2017, 07:33:39 pm
Remember:

Masturbation, unlike copulation, is self stimulation that ends frustration without obligation.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 22, 2017, 02:45:28 pm
Eventually an embarrassed husband went to the doctor and told him he had trouble getting an erection, & that it was causing problems with his wife. The doctor checked his blood pressure and other vitals, all seemed fine. After a thorough examination he said he wanted to check with the wife. When she arrived, he took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed.  He then told her to raise her arms above her head and turn around again. He than asked her to bend right over, try to touch her toes and cough.  Finally he said, "OK, good thanks. You can get dressed now please”. The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you.  I couldn't get an erection either.”

Did you know a pessimist is just a well informed optimist?

An elderly Floridian called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' he cried... The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in: 'Disregard.' He says. 'He got in the back-seat by mistake.'

I told my mother to "get ready for the pitter-patter of tiny feet!" My new midget girlfriend is moving in!!

I got pulled over for driving too slow. "Can you tell me why you are driving so slow?" The police officer asked. "Yes," I replied, "this is a hearse." "No it's not, it's a taxi." He said. So I replied "I've got two pensioners in the back, same difference."

I've developed a new website. It's the antisocial network where you unfriend all the people in your life that you have to pretend to like. I've called it, Twofacebook.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 28, 2017, 01:36:34 am
Joe was madly in love with Peggy and had been for years.

They spent several years dating and although some of their dates got rather hot, they never had sex.

On their honeymoon, after years of dreaming about it they both spent hours and hours in bed trying different things.

After several days of this, while Peggy was getting out of the shower, Joe, looking at the local newspaper said, "Hey!  Here's something to do tonight.  Do you want to go see "Oliver Twist" ? "

Peggy shouted out, "If you do one more trick with that damn thing, I'm going home to mother!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 28, 2017, 01:46:42 am
On a televised talk show, the host decided to take a poll of the audience so he asked, "How many of you people have sex every night?"

Several people raised their hands.

"How many of you have sex once a week?"

About half the audience raised their hands.

"How many of you have sex once a month?"

Most of the other half of the audience raised their hands.

"How many of you have sex only once a year?"

Way in the back, one guy started jumping up and down, waving his hands.

"So, you only have sex once a year?
How can you remember when your going to have sex ?"

The guy shouts out, "TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 28, 2017, 03:11:54 pm
Here are four cartoons that I like.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 28, 2017, 11:24:15 pm
An all time favorite
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 29, 2017, 09:51:27 pm

Subject: What gender is a computer?
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.   'House' for instance, is feminine:  'la Casa.'
'Pencil,'however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A  student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?
Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, & asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for  its recommendation.
The men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'),  because:
1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;
3.Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for  it.
(THIS GETS  BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'),  because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't  think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, But half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a  better model.
The women won.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 31, 2017, 02:47:10 pm
SCHOOL - 1950s v 2017
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2017 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark and charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2017 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2017 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, passes exams and becomes a solicitor.
2017 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin and blows up a wasp's nest.
1950s - Wasps die.
2017- Police and Anti-Terrorism Squad called.
Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2017 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

 
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on October 31, 2017, 04:17:38 pm
Once upon a time, there was a travel agent who decided he would play a practical joke on the next customer that walked in the door.

A half hour later a young man walked in the door and asked if there were any places worth going to see.

The agent said,
 "Of course there are.  There is the continent of Atlantis, with cities beyond your wildest imagination. 

Then, you could visit the woman of the Amazon with hundreds of women looking for a man.

There's the remains of Paul Bunyan's  forest with not a tree in sight as far as you can see.

I've got dozens of places you want to see."

"Sign me up for all of them.", the young man said.

Four years later the young man walked back into the Travel Agency and held out a book in his hand.

"Here.  You get the first copy."

The agent looked at the books title.  It was titled, "Gullible's Travels".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 31, 2017, 09:28:46 pm
Here are four Halloween cartoons.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 01, 2017, 10:05:42 pm
Vehicle performance explained:
•Horsepower is how fast you hit the wall.
•Torque is how far you take the wall with you.
•Understeer is when you hit the wall with the front of the car.
•Oversteer is when you hit the wall with the rear of the car.
•Low side is when the bike slides into the wall.
•High side is when you're thrown over the wall.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 02, 2017, 10:53:15 pm
This is a good one.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 04, 2017, 03:38:55 am
Tools for working on your Enfield----
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 04, 2017, 01:41:33 pm
8th-grade biology science teacher...  Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 06, 2017, 02:33:36 pm
Apparently it's no longer politically-correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".....
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 18, 2017, 02:49:59 pm
Time for a Thanksgiving Day turkey dinner joke. :D

Things You Can Only (safely) Say at Thanksgiving:
Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
When the little thingy pops up it's ready.
Mmmm, moist meat.
I'm stuffed!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 18, 2017, 10:26:37 pm
Speaking of Thanksgiving
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 20, 2017, 02:14:21 pm
More Thanksgiving holiday week cartoons.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 26, 2017, 02:39:14 pm
Getting warmed up for "cyber Monday" cartoons.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 28, 2017, 11:05:26 pm
Useful advice:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 29, 2017, 12:49:31 am
Fred was a nice guy but he always had bad luck.

While living in Chicago, his wife suddenly became ill and passed away leaving him to tend to his son.

Shortly after this, he lost his job, his landlord demanded that they move out because he hadn't paid the rent for 3 months and his son developed severe asthma.  The doctor said if they stayed in a cold area like Illinois his son would never recover.

Faced with this, Fred sold everything but the cloths on their back and the old 1975 Pinto he owned and they set off for Phoenix.

After more than a few flat tires they finally made it to Arizona and he decided the shortest way to Phoenix would be to come in from the East past the Superstition Mountains.

It was summer and the temperature was above 115° in the shade.

They were passing thru a strange, rather barren  land  when suddenly, the engine begin to misfire, the water temperature light came on and they chugged to the side of the road.

As he raised the hood there was a large cloud of steam rising from the radiator and as he stood there looking at it, both front tires blew out.

He looked up in the sky and said, "Why me lord?"

A voice from the sky answered back, "I don't know.  You just kind of piss me off."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 29, 2017, 02:37:57 pm
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old? Well......you'll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park secondary school. 'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride. 'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked. He answered: ‘In 1965. Why do you ask?’ 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, gray haired, decrepit, bastard asked.. 'What subject did you teach.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 02, 2017, 10:05:51 pm
I think you will like these:   ;D

Great Timeless Truths

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, and two or more is a government.
John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. (how true is that!!!)
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill who clearly anticipated Corbyn

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to live at the expense of everybody else.
Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap...except when government does it.
Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
Ronald Reagan

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
Thomas Jefferson

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
Aesop
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 02, 2017, 10:27:10 pm
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.
Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.

An American guy wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.” The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.” The man perks up. "So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.” The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” “Yes I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you make a decision?” “Yes” says the man. “What is your decision?” asks the doctor. “We're getting granite counter tops.”

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.  Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..  An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.  If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.  Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.  These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: finbullet on December 03, 2017, 07:50:16 pm
There was a great turkey recipe here earlier so let's put another great recipe here.
This is a traditional loon soup recipe from northern parts of Finland (lapland). It works great with duck and maybe chicken too.

1.Take 4 litres of fresh water and cook the bird in the water for 10 minutes.
2. Throw away the water.
3. Take 3 litres of fresh water and a hand full of herbs and cook the bird in the water for 5 minutes.
4. Throw away the water.
5. Take 2 litres of milk and cook the bird in the milk for  2 minutes.
6. Throw away the milk.
7. Take 1 litre of good vodka and cook the bird in the vodka for 4 to 5 seconds.
8. Throw away the bird.

The soup is ready. Bon apetit!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2017, 10:10:57 pm
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip:. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 14, 2017, 02:36:00 pm
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had. She went on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.Finally, after allowing this to continue for a length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk, asked the wife to stand, and embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go out on my bike with my mates.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 14, 2017, 03:59:58 pm
Don't read these if you are "politically correct", or you will be offended.   :o

A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian." The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England." The person says, "I not English, I am Pakistani." The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country England!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not British." He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Englishwoman?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the UK's third language.
Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a burqa.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government tells the Japanese that grey squirrels taste like whale meat..
Britain now has ten universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No one responds.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone. Average weight of British female drops to 18 stone.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights.
Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet seven inches.
New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.
Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.
Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
 
The Greek Legal System: A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: “Your honour, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to me or the machine?" DON'T LAUGH; HE WON.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 15, 2017, 02:16:35 pm
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 17, 2017, 02:04:46 pm
Here is a little Christmas Poem for us old motorcycle riders:

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch-bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bed-sock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 17, 2017, 02:56:06 pm
My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?” I said "It's all under control. It's been a very busy day.  I haven't stopped to take a break all day." "Can you do me a favour," he asked. I said “Yes, of course, what is it?" "Pick up the pace a little. I’m in the foursome behind you."

Doctor Geezer's Clinic:
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of the story: Just because you're ‘Young’ doesn't mean that you can outsmart an ‘old Geezer’!
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off. ENJOY YOUR DAY !!

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.  He got an A.

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
The following Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life seem to be fairly valid...
 
TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
TRUTH 2: When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats." But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his penis and say, "Good job." Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 17, 2017, 11:33:37 pm
Spread the Stupidity: Only in This Stupid World -
......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
 
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 19, 2017, 01:16:43 am
A Cold Winter Ahead:  It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Northwestern Wisconsin asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'  'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'  The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.  Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.  The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood!'

A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven-round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?" A female voice from the back of the room called out, "You Need More Ammo Hillary!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on December 27, 2017, 09:54:19 pm
Christmas Dinner was a great success ----
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 29, 2017, 12:24:53 am
 ;D Love it!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 29, 2017, 03:08:02 pm
Simon said he liked my jokes, which encouraged me to inflict these on you.  Just don't blame me too much if too many of these are "groaners".  ;D

Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
Why was Theresa May sacked as Nativity Manager? She couldn’t run a stable government.
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?  Krisp Kringle!
Who is Santa Claus married to? Mary Christmas!
How long do a reindeers legs have to be? Long enough so they can touch the ground!
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? Horn-aments!
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas Quacker!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws.
What says Oh Oh Oh? Santa walking backwards!
A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
My New Year's resolution is to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.
My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!
What do priests and Christmas trees have in common? Their balls are just ornamental.
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come… Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
What's the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning? When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
As my Grandpa used to say "It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra painted purple on the shady side of an iceberg"

A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?” The doctor replies, “Well, women have been having babies for a million years without a doctor in attendance. It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.” The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?”
 
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.

A cop stops a motorist for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

What the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef but nobody can pee soup.
What lies at the bottom of the sea shaking? A nervous wreck.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton.”
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind it's tearable.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on December 30, 2017, 12:43:30 am
*groan*  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 04, 2018, 03:40:46 pm
I have some good ones for you to start off this New Year. :D

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E." St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?" "Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

An Irishman's first drink with his son... While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Irish Confession: I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be. (And a bartender was taking confessions.)

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, A voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said.... "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "Can you lose an eye just from bird shit?" "It was my first day with the hook."

A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?” "Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault." "Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road," she replied. "Can you describe what happened ?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me." "Could you give me a description of him ?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg." "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant. "Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer”. "That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?" "No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."

Subject: THE OFFICE PARTY
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 1, 2017. RE:
Christmas Party.
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees.! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.!
Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 2, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Are you happy now.? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 3, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this.? Somebody.? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
To: All Employees.
DATE: November 4, 2017.
RE: Generic Holiday Party.
What a diverse group we are.! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party.! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work.? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’ We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’ Did I miss anything.??? Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Fucking Employees.
DATE: November 5, 2017.
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks.! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you assholes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT FUCKING NOW!’ > The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday.! Drive drunk and die. Patty.

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.
DATE: November 6, 2017.
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. So ‘Fuck the lot of You and Happy Whatever.!’ Joan

A Christmas Tradition Explained... When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?' And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 05, 2018, 10:22:23 pm
More good ones from the Irish.   ;D

The Importance of Accuracy in your Tax Return:  The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question, Do you have anyone dependant on you? The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 600+ idiots in Parliament and the entire European Commission". The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable. The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?".
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?”

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO: An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll? The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice.”
THERE'S A MORAL TO THIS STORY...
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men... are men.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: pushrod on January 08, 2018, 12:49:04 am
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye,
hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. Ye gads, matey, says Morty.
What happened to ya?

Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg.
So now I got me a wooden peg.

And ye hand asks Morty?

When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.

Ok, but what’s with the eye patch?

I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in
me eye.

But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.

True, says Sol. But it was me first day with the hook.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: pushrod on January 08, 2018, 12:55:57 am
Why Parents Drink


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love Your Son,

John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy Report card That's in my desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: pushrod on January 08, 2018, 12:58:35 am
Facts of Life
A father noticing his son was getting serious about a girl he was dating decided to have a man to man talk with him about marrige.
    Son he said, it's very important to look for a woman who is a good cook and homemaker and will make a good mother to your children, it's also very important to look for a woman who is sexy and likes to make you feel good and makes you glad your a man.
    One other thing, it's extreamly important that these two women never meet.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on January 08, 2018, 04:10:03 am
Human resources manager just finishing an interview.  Last question---"What do you consider your biggest fault?"  Applicant --"Honesty"  -- HR Mgr,  "Well, I would not consider honesty a fault. --- Applicant -- "I don't give a crap what you consider !"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 09, 2018, 10:42:22 pm
The Admiral With Only One Ear: Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk with an engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of the rescue helicopter crew and the ship's medical staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."  The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out as well. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Navy Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear."

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.' The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed up his hands.  The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed up his nose. The day after, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' Well, the next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?' Concerned, the mother said, 'Why, yes..... why do you ask?' The daughter replied, 'They sure make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 17, 2018, 11:24:50 pm
Yesterday the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." So I said, "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Beats the shit out of me. Nobody's ever let me in before.."

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…….. "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!” Moral of this story… Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Guaire on January 17, 2018, 11:44:41 pm
Good one.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 21, 2018, 10:37:53 pm
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Cardiff, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 05, 2018, 02:53:34 pm
SENIOR PARACHUTE CLUB
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around on my computer and snoozing in the conservatory, drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun. I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, I couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward isn't it?" "Not really." he said, "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit". The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 07, 2018, 10:45:33 pm
My Aussie mate said he was invited to a Muslim wedding. He said the reception was not much different from a regular bash, with kids running riot and sliding across the dance. floor on their knees. All of a sudden, Mohamed gets up and gives a smack to this eight year old girl who was rolling on the floor and telling her to behave and to go and sit down. "That was a bit harsh" he said, "In Australia, we expect kids to be a bit lively at a wedding reception." "Maybe so" he growled, "However, we expect a bit more decorum from the bride...!”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 08, 2018, 02:10:33 pm
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, the would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The honorable mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping round, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.  Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
 
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly... He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
 
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. 

Remember... They walk among us and they can reproduce and, they VOTE!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 08, 2018, 10:55:03 pm
An interesting view of what seems to have happened!
I used to think I was just a normal person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.
I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.
I was christened by my parents (who were married, in a church and remained married), which now labels me as an infidel.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the policeand the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defence and protection of the Country for and by all citizens and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces, which now makes me a right wing-militant.
Please help me come to terms with the new me… because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these seemingly abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking. I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly!  Funny but it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years!
Finally, as if all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with now I’m not even sure which lavatory to go into..............
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Bilgemaster on February 09, 2018, 01:22:01 am
It's not your fault. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEyaIjm0G2s)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 10, 2018, 03:18:49 pm
GARDA ALERT: GARDAI are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called "Beer".The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 12, 2018, 02:37:39 pm
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town, then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon, he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and it reverberated down the hall!
He was very embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Brown and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Brown?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago; but an embarrassing thing happened and, since then, I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I'll bet that's true of your incident, too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 20, 2018, 10:07:22 pm
A biker was riding along the beach when suddenly the sky formed clouds above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "You have been very faithful to me, so I will grant you one wish."

Stunned and confused, the biker pulled over, looked up, and said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want!"

The Lord replied, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The amount of concrete and steel it would take to build! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker sat and thought about it for a long time. Finally he looked up and said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly, truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 21, 2018, 02:17:14 pm
Are you "older than dirt"?  I know I am.  ;) I have proved it by passing this test with flying colors.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 01, 2018, 02:06:10 pm
Bran Muffins...
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.  Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f#ckin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 01, 2018, 02:09:58 pm
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?  WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure—why? –because: In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada , and Great Britain . . .everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 03, 2018, 02:47:06 pm
We ordered a pizza to watch Netflix and....
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?  No sir, it's Google Pizza.  I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. OK. I'd like to order a pizza. Do you want your usual, sir? My usual? You know me? According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust. OK! That’s what I want. May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? No you may not! I don't like vegetables. Your cholesterol needs help, sir. How the hell do you know? We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol! Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, four months ago. I bought the rest at another drugstore. Not according to your credit card statement. I paid in cash. Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. I have other sources of cash. That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. WHAT THE HELL?! I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the sole intention of helping you. Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without Internet, cable TV, cell phone service and jerks watching and spying on me. I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'  Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'  Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

TRUE STORY - on the wall of a porta potty someone wrote "I hate fucking police." Right underneath it someone else wrote "Then stop doing it"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 03, 2018, 10:35:45 pm
AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time. 
My work is done here.

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR 
WIFE:  "There is trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor." 
HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous " 
WIFE:  "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." 
HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is I'll check it out. Where's the car? 
WIFE: "In the pool."
 
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. 
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...
 
HE MUST PAY 
Husband and wife had an argument. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." 
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
 
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE 
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." 
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on March 06, 2018, 10:39:16 pm
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her
husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and
sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?", he
replied. "And remember he said I had two choices; I could either marry you,
or spend the next twenty years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have been released today."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 07, 2018, 02:33:07 pm
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ... 
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed.
With her marriage, She got a new name and a dress. 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. 
Every calendar's days are numbered. 
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. 
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 
Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall. 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.. 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 07, 2018, 03:01:30 pm
Our world today!!!

8:00 -- I made a snowman.

8:10 -- A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 -- So I made a snow woman as well.

8:17 -- The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 -- The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 -- The vegans at No. 12 complained about veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures .

8:28 -- I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 -- The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:35 -- A First Nations group stopped and said the project had been built on what was once their traditional lands without their consultation and approval. They want an apology and compensation

8:40 -- Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on

8:42 -- I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things got worse after I muttered: "Yeah, if it's up your ass"

8:52 -- My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 -- I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 -- I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 -- ISIS just claimed responsibility.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 07, 2018, 10:42:22 pm
MEMORANDUM TO: All employees
FROM: Managment
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Plan

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless of course they already have Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse (AIDS). As both HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We believe that we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor who has been especially trained by means of a Basic Understanding Lecture List of Special High Intensity Training (BULLSHIT) to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Yours,

BIG SHIT
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 08, 2018, 02:21:43 pm
I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Canberra, obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 08, 2018, 03:06:28 pm
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested,"But we don't know anything about each other." He replied,"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said,"I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said,"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"  No, she said,"I was a hooker in Windsor and I worked both sides of the river!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 09, 2018, 11:26:09 pm
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
The policeman said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on March 10, 2018, 02:54:19 am
Some of us older folks are a bit unstable and require better balance --- Especially when in the shower --The following may help somewhat.......
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 03, 2018, 11:47:33 pm
A few from my companies retirement club newsletter:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .....

 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or
something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However,
since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached
the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes
go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 06, 2018, 02:52:57 pm
Squirrels in church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2018, 10:26:05 pm
Road Trip: While on a road trip, an elderly couple, Jack and Debbie stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card.

A hotel guest: A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue." The man replies, "Listen, I can't get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 10, 2018, 02:44:50 pm
A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. "What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake. "I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!" "Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?" "I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a lawyer!"

A cowboy rides into town in the Wild West and shoots an artist. The sheriff asks him, "Why did you do that?" The cowboy says, "I thought he was going to draw."

American Tourist: An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Senor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, senor," agreed the waiter. "You see the bull, he does not always lose."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on April 18, 2018, 03:17:16 pm
Man at funeral, approached by the widow. W:"We haven't met. Did you know my husband?" M:"Yes. We were good friends. In fact I was hoping to say a few words." W:"I'm sorry but we just didn't have the time". M:"Well maybe I could just say one word?" W:"Sure you can." M:"Plethora". W:"Thanks, that means a lot."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 20, 2018, 11:01:22 pm
The fifth grade teacher told the class they would have to write a short report on the most frightening thing that had happened to them over the summer vacation.

After giving the class an hour to write their stories she selected one of the boys to read his report to the class.

Little Jimmy, looking somewhat nervous walked to the front of the classroom and began reading his report.

"This summer, me and my dog "Barker" was out walking.  We saw all sorts of bugs and I threw a stick and Barker ran after it and pounced on it and then brought it back to me.

After a while we got up to the rail road tracks and saw a train coming pretty fast so we stood there to watch it go by.

Right when the engine was about up to us, Barker saw a rabbit on the other side of the tracks and he started to run after it but the train engine hit him right in the ass hole."

The teacher said, "Rectum Jimmy.  Rectum."

Jimmy responded, "Rectum hell!  Killed him!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 20, 2018, 11:49:30 pm
To others [of my generation] who still do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook even exists, maybe try the following, like I'm doing. Here's what I'm doing to gain better understanding: I am trying to make new friends without using Facebook, but while applying the same principles. Every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dead dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, or fixing things, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, then give them the "THUMBS UP" and tell them I like them... ...and it works! I already have four people following me: Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.  ;D

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 72 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!" The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted. Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.������  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 22, 2018, 11:23:23 pm
In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting.
Here's a sampling of responses to the question:
"What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?"

·         "Pretty sure it's against Nazis - especially the white ones."  (Did they have black nazis ????
·         "We're protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal."
·         "I'm protesting against Trump saying black lives don't matter."
·         "We're against global warming and the police.."
·         "We're showing the world that we care about, ah, things such as.... such as...ah, freedom from suppression?"
·         "Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color."
·         "We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs."
·         "We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down."
·         "Myself is kneeling to show that just because I'm American don't mean I got to act like one."

All above comments are from National Football League players with at least 4 years of an American College education and an average player salary of $1,900,000.   :o

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 29, 2018, 11:17:05 pm
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences (read carefully) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

-------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge-–Up Yours
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 04, 2018, 02:02:57 pm

Letter to My Boss:
I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream of having.
Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for re-election
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 18, 2018, 03:12:48 pm
Here is a good one for you.  ;D

WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

Why, you ask .?

1. STORMY IS A HOOKER.
2. O.J. IS A SLICER.
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 22, 2018, 10:44:33 pm
A friend just sent my these great Jewish jokes:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him
another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " 
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." 
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." 
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida , 
"Mom, how are you?" 
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." 
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." 
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" 
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. 
She asks, "What part is it?" 
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." 
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." 

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: 
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? 
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 24, 2018, 10:27:38 pm
The Gunfighter

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...
Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will'
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 24, 2018, 10:28:22 pm
Thoughts from an unhinged mind...

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year... Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra... Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just... Easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters... Do they just give you a bra and then say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor ”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s planning to get me something.
♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on May 24, 2018, 11:33:02 pm
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven:

1st woman: Hi Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. So, what about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 26, 2018, 01:14:21 am
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 02, 2018, 03:32:41 pm
An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I’d be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.
Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that’s the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 02, 2018, 03:33:07 pm
Fred the Penguin finally saved enough money to take that trip to Las Vegas and try his luck at the tables. So, Fred swam to Tierra del Fuego and bought a certified preowned Fiat 500 at the first Fiat dealership. Never having needed a car, Fred had no clue what to get, but he did like Pope Francis......so, he went Fiat. Then he drove north, Chile, Argentina, etc...up the Andes. Fred and his 500. Somewhere, in Ecuador, Fred learned that he should drive on the right side of the road. Somewhere in Panama, he learned to ask "how much do those drinks cost?"

In any event, Fred made it to the US-Mexico boarder with his papers intact and the US Customs accepted his Antarctica passport. But, about 50-miles north of the border, the Fiat proved itself to be true to its origins and died. Not missing a beat, Fred hopped out of the car, showed some leg and swiveled his hips really hard to show some booty. In no time, a lonely trucker was Fred's best buddy and the 500 was getting a tow to the closest garage.

While Fred and the trucker said their Good-byes, the mechanic put the 500 on the rack and, then, fired up the computer to see what kind of Volkswagen this was. When Fred finally freed himself of the trucker, the mechanic had determined that he didn't have a VW on the rack, but it was the first Renault LeCar (5) he had seen........So, he told Fred to grab a bite at the convenience store, across the street, and promised to have the car off the rack in 15-minutes.

With this news, Fred was bat-poop ecstatic and decided a treat was in order. So, it was off to the convenience store for a snack. Now, this was Fred's first visit north of the border and refrigeration is something that God has only given to Americans (Proof: English Beer). It was like heaven, staring at that freezer case of frozen delights. Fred opened the door. Fred felt the frosty air. Fred thought of home. Fred stepped in. Fred felt good. Fred dropped a little turd. It froze...…...as it should. This was nice. Fred took a nap...

In the meantime, the mechanic discovered that Fred drives a Fiat. In addition, the mechanic discovered that the engine was in the front of this car...…

But, back to Fred...…...his chilly nap left him with a healthy appetite, but there were no fish in his freezer of happiness. However, there were these packages with a penguin on the foil wrapper. Inside the packages, there was chocolate (better than fish) and ice cream (a crap load better than fish). Heaven got a whole better for Fred...…….In fact, one could say.....Fred made a hog of himself in heaven. Fred ate every single foil wrapped package, in every box of foil wrapped packages. Then, he slept the sleep of champions....stuffed like a pig and too fat to move.

The next morning, awakened by the milk delivery man.....Fred exited the convenience store freezer. Thanked the clerk for the use of the bathroom and paid for one Klondike bar and a cup of coffee. Penguins are shameless liars with no ethical standards. Actually, almost as cheap as a BMW motorcycle owner.

But, back at the garage, having determined the model and make of car, the mechanic was starring up at the sad reality above him on the rack. Fred, arriving self-satisfied with his evening of debauched gluttony patted the mechanic on the back an asked "How's it going?". The mechanic looked at Fred and said...……."looks like you blew a seal". Somewhat startled, Fred replied...…….."No. I was just eating ice cream"......
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 06, 2018, 02:22:25 am
Here in Phoenix, we have several canals that provide water to the city and to the farms in the surrounding areas.

The other day, a man was standing on one of the bridges that crosses a canal and leaning over the edge to watch the water flow by.

Suddenly, his wallet fell out of his coat pocket and fell rapidly towards the slow moving, brown, murky water.

Just before it reached the water, a large carp appeared and hit the wallet with its head, causing it to fly toward the shore.
Again, as it almost hit the water, another large carp arouse from the murky water and hit the wallet with his head knocking it closer to the shore.
As the wallet started to fall into the water, a third carp whacked it with his head and knocked it up on the shore.

After retrieving his wallet the man told another person who had watched the whole thing, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on June 06, 2018, 10:50:48 pm

After retrieving his wallet the man told another person who had watched the whole thing, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."

             I apologize beforehand, everybody, but after reading your carp joke I just must tell this story.

             I had a very good friend back in the early 1970s named Eino Karppinen (Finnish).

              When his wife, Evy, got pregnant, Eino insisted in no uncertain terms the his son's name was going to be Walter Wall Karppinen.

               Needless to say, before the birth certificate was signed, sealed and delivered, Evy won out and the boy got a more reasonable name which I have since forgotten. But Eino got to drive her to distraction for 9 months. She used to come over and commiserate with my wife at least weekly for the whole gestation period. Shows you the POTP    :o ;)(http://)

              Eino and I used to laugh our asses off about it because he had convinced her he was dead serious.
   
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 07, 2018, 11:41:49 pm
It is cute cartoon time.   :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 08, 2018, 01:15:22 am
Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!

A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 11, 2018, 10:24:27 pm
A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"

Difference between Drunk & Stoned: Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 13, 2018, 02:43:00 pm
Proof That Men Have Better Friends!

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 13, 2018, 02:43:54 pm
A prostitutes customer was fumbling around on top of her. In exasperation she remarked "you only have a small organ." "Yes but it's never played in a cathedral before" he replied.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 14, 2018, 02:57:05 pm
Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 14, 2018, 11:33:50 pm
An elderly man was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweet heart, Pumpkin and the like.  The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, "I think its wonderful that, after all of these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth." he said.
"Her name slipped from my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the grouchy old bitch what her name is."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 14, 2018, 11:40:27 pm
You know your staying at a "Red neck" motel when you call the front desk and say" I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 18, 2018, 02:49:08 pm
You are going to love this Australian school's answering machine recording: 
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 20, 2018, 02:43:45 pm
Signs in a shoe store in Vancouver reads:
We will heel; We will save your sole; We will even dye for you.
 
A sign on a blinds and curtains truck reads:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on July 08, 2018, 01:42:27 am
I once heard of a constipated mathematician.

He tried to work it out with a pencil.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on July 08, 2018, 04:45:59 pm
What? No Slide Rule?!?!?!  ???
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 08, 2018, 10:31:24 pm
A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady asks...
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! CALM DOWN!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 08, 2018, 10:31:55 pm
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Basildon . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 09, 2018, 02:55:29 pm
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi. Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on July 10, 2018, 06:09:22 pm
Speaking of golf...

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, Nope.” Frustrated , Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on July 10, 2018, 06:33:37 pm
Two Bees are flying along.  One looks over at the other and notices he is wearing a yarmulke. "Hey" the first one says, "why are you wearing that? "Oh," says the second one, "I don't want anyone to think that I'm a wasp!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on July 13, 2018, 06:59:57 pm
So a while back, my wife says to me, "Hey, remember last night when we were talking? Well, it turns out, you were right...."

So after more than 30 years together I was ready to have a Hallelujah Breakdown   , and THEN she finishes her sentence...

"..., it WAS your fault."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 14, 2018, 03:31:16 pm
Motorcycles are like strippers.  I just keep throwing money at them hoping to get the ride of my life.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 23, 2018, 09:38:25 pm
A  dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in  Las  Vegas and decided to  check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he  asked the Madam, ‘Is this a union house?’
‘No,’  she replied, ‘I’m sorry it isn’t.’
‘Well,  if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’
‘The  house gets $80 and the girls get $20,’ she  answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the  union man stomped off down the street in search of a more  equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until  finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, ‘Why yes  sir, this is a union house.  ‘We observe all union  rules.’
The  man asked, ‘And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?’  ‘The girls get $80 and the house gets $20..’
‘That’s  more like it!’ the union man said.
He  handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a  stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
‘I’d  like her,’ he said.
‘I’m  sure you would, sir,’ said the Madam. Then she gestured to a  92-year old woman in the corner, ‘but Ethel here has 67 years  seniority and according to union rules, she’s  next.’   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 24, 2018, 02:26:09 pm
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview him. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.  "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.

I've recently been directing a play. To pep it up some I introduced a Lesbian shower scene. Some critic’s think I've got the fresh, bold approach that today's theatre needs. Others just think I've ruined the school's Nativity play.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 25, 2018, 01:16:31 am
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in.”

On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 27, 2018, 11:38:33 pm
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.' The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.' A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: ‘Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 27, 2018, 11:39:31 pm
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2018-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?! I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Alex
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 28, 2018, 01:17:42 am
The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page for me.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 30, 2018, 01:53:35 am
As is typical, the ladies from the west wing of the Happy Oakes Retirement Village, met for breakfast in the community room to start their day. However, today, Betty wasn't there, only Ethel and Bunny. Ethel was a widowed former executive secretary. Bunny, well, the name says it all. Bunny was a divorced wife of an executive with several other exes. Both, Ethel and Bunny were lucky to be at Happy Oakes. Ethel might have wanted more, Bunny wasn't smart enough to know that she should...

In any case, the breakfast conversation is underway...

Bunny: Where's Betty? I hope nothing is wrong?

Ethel: Bob came to visit last night with a big bouquet of flowers. They had quite an evening.

Bunny: I just love it when a man comes with flowers

Ethel: Betty is the same. I'm sure she was on her back and legs up within a minute of the front door closing.

Bunny: She doesn't have a vase?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 30, 2018, 01:54:37 am
Do you come from Galway? The only cow in a small Tipperary village suddenly stopped giving milk, the
angry villagers discovered they could buy a new cow in Cork. So they raised the money and bought the cow, which produced milk continuously. Happy with their success, the villagers decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. However, every time the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. Confused and upset, the villagers consulted with the local vet. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," said a village elder." If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by any chance, buy this cow in Galway?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise vet," they said. "How did you know that?" The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, and said, "My wife is from Galway.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 30, 2018, 01:55:56 am
Indian & Irishmen: 

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................ You'll like this:
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 30, 2018, 03:09:27 pm
Cooking Tip: If you mix coconut oil in with kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 31, 2018, 01:15:27 am
Railroad tracks.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's arse came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' arses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you saw a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there were two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs were made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory ran through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what was arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse. And you thought being a horse's arse wasn't important?  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 31, 2018, 10:18:42 pm
SENIOR SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 01, 2018, 03:43:04 pm
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what... Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, ‘if your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 01, 2018, 04:09:45 pm
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies). The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So, tell me beautiful, do I come here often?"

Paddy is lying in bed watching the Babe Station, he phones the number on the screen & the babe says " hello sexy what can I do for you tonight?" Paddy replies “that sofa you're lying on" "Yes" she says. "Can you jump over the back of it & hide?" "Sure sexy, but why?" she asks. Paddy replies “well the wife’s coming up the stairs & I can't find the stupid remote!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 03, 2018, 03:00:19 pm
GoPro has just announced a new camera for car drivers to help them keep focused so as to cut down on their distracted driving.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on August 03, 2018, 06:47:14 pm
 ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 09, 2018, 01:24:03 am
A guy goes into his Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for a tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you

have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am. Plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says."For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.No point in your coming in for that."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 09, 2018, 03:07:29 pm
Are you ready for this  :o :  https://www.wikitribune.com/story/2017/12/22/sex/sex-robots-future-dolls-relationships/2323/
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 09, 2018, 10:43:23 pm
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out... The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.  The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young Man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when He grows older?' The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'

Love in a Transit...!!! Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh fat boy,whip me, whip me!" Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the aerial antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona, more than a little embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits, "Yes, I did." Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen...!"

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning.... "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back.... "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later.... "Computer really screwed up now."

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.' 'Bravo Murphy lad and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir', says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' Asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'' 'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs.” Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 11, 2018, 02:13:32 pm
Who is the bravest man on the planet?
Mr. Hershey. He puts his nuts in hot chocolate.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 14, 2018, 11:05:40 pm
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above. "To be sure I am," replied Murphy. "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher. "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

"IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

Sign outside a local liquor store: Carrots may be good for your eyes; But booze will double your vision.

After queuing up at the Tesco checkout this morning, Mr Patel said to the cashier, "Can you do this any cheaper?" "I'm afraid not," she replied, "If we did it for you then we'd have to do it for everybody." Mr Patel said, "Yeah, but it's got today's date on it. If nobody buys it then it's just going to get thrown away." "Look sir, you're holding up the queue. Do you want the newspaper or not?!"

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?" "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!  If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Breaking News!!!! Pence announces the Space Force is needed to protect the earth from gay aliens. He said we will get E.T. to pay for it.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 23, 2018, 01:12:23 am
Having been involved with online dating for several years, I have a word of advice. If you're single and you're thinking of joining an online dating site, take a nap until the feeling passes. If you ignore my advice, I've developed a translator to help you read and understand the profiles. Here tis . . . .
Profile: Must love pets.
Translation: I have 18 cats and need help scooping poop.
P: No liars or cheats
T: My ex was a scumbag and you better cover your jewels.
P: My photo is a recent one.
T: It's actually a younger neighbor but hoping you won't notice.
P: It's been a while since I dated.
T: We listened to the Bee Gees on his 8 track.
P: I'm a country girl at heart.
T: Turned down for the Jerry Springer show because I was too redneck.
P: Not into game players.
T: I was a stand in for Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.
P: Looking for a committed relationship.
T: I wrote the book "Stalking For Dummies".
P: Not looking for a one night stand.
T: If you have sex at my place, you'll be the only one in the room.
P: Looking for a 50/50 relationship.
T: You pay for the Motel 6, I'll bring the box of wine.
I'm sure this online dating translator works for both sexes. Hope it helps.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 02:39:14 pm
I just saw a bail bondsman commercial that said: "We'll have you out before the soap hits the floor."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 03:03:45 pm
Dad walks in on his teenage son, who is wanking, and says "If you keep doing that you'll go blind." The kid replies "Hey dad. I'm over here."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on August 30, 2018, 03:31:31 pm
Dad walks in on his teenage son, who is wanking, and says "If you keep doing that you'll go blind." The kid replies "Hey dad. I'm over here."

            I told my mother "I'll quit when I need glasses".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 10:34:07 pm
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 10:34:48 pm
Q. What has a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 10:35:27 pm
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.  He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 30, 2018, 11:46:29 pm
Over 95% of the Harleys made since 1970 are still on the road today......  That's because the other 5% actually made it home!!!!!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 08, 2018, 03:26:56 pm
Two Aussies were hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on September 18, 2018, 10:52:44 pm
Then, there is the old story of the eighty year old getting married to a twenty year old.
People asked if he was worried about heart problems and possible death on his wedding night. He answered,

Well, I speckt it could be a problem, but if she dies she dies.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 02:51:34 pm
I would post a funny joke today, but apparently it is too long to be accepted by the postal system.   >:(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Joe_535i on September 19, 2018, 02:57:39 pm
I would post a funny joke today, but apparently it is too long to be accepted by the postal system.   >:(

What I always wanted to ask you, are you inventing all those jokes? Great stuff.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 10:23:10 pm
I am a collector, not an inventor.

Let me try a less wordy joke:  Someone emailed me a pic of a newspaper headline. It read "Parents keep children at home to protest school closure"  I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 10:24:02 pm
OK.  Let me see if this works:

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen!'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 10:25:54 pm
Let me see if this one breaks the bank:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 10:26:54 pm
OK. I am going for the gold. This one got rejected earlier today:

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 19, 2018, 10:28:26 pm
Yup. I tried posting a longer one that above and that finally got the rejection message.  :(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 22, 2018, 03:02:40 pm
I picked up a hitchhiker and he said "Aren't you worried I might be a serial killer?" I said "No. The odds of 2 serial killers being in the same car are pretty slim."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: chuychacon on September 22, 2018, 03:26:24 pm
he must of been a joke writer for Bob Hope, Johnny Carson......etc
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 29, 2018, 10:48:24 pm
It is squirrel day.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 03, 2018, 03:34:48 pm
 An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite pan fried drop scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......  She said................ "F**k off' "they're for the funeral."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2018, 02:56:57 pm
The forum isn't liking my jokes today. Let's see if it will absorb some funny religious cartoons.   ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2018, 02:58:09 pm
Since that worked, here are some more.  :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2018, 02:59:29 pm
And now for some old fart cartoons.  ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2018, 03:00:41 pm
The latest news from Detroit.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 05, 2018, 10:51:39 pm
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears; she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on October 10, 2018, 07:07:49 am
Two older Motorcycle riders
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 21, 2018, 11:06:31 pm
Irish Burial at Sea: Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' WAIT FOR IT. . . .. . 'Aye'tis, NOW hand me dat shovel.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Stanley on October 22, 2018, 12:37:36 am
Grandma confided to her daughter one morning, "Since I got my new hearing aid, I seem to have a bit of gas!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 26, 2018, 11:04:17 pm
I'm writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctor says I'll recover. I feel that I should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 31, 2018, 02:37:33 pm
She: You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear. He: Sure, I'll have a beer.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 31, 2018, 02:38:27 pm
True love means never having to say "Honey, put that knife down."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 10, 2018, 02:41:42 pm
I came across a few cartoons that I think you will appreciate.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 17, 2018, 11:11:41 pm
My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, Just to find the bloody thing.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 17, 2018, 11:12:20 pm
I attended a very emotional wedding this past weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 17, 2018, 11:12:44 pm
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. A Navaho on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 19, 2018, 01:30:05 am
You can distinguish a crocodile from an alligator by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 24, 2018, 01:28:16 am
I've invented a new thing to put on your food when your eating at the table.  It replaces the old salt and pepper you used to use.

It will be made in and imported from Oman, a country close to Saudi Arabia.

I call it Sultan pepper.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 24, 2018, 03:16:03 am
Driving Habits
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 24, 2018, 03:13:57 pm
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?" The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 24, 2018, 03:14:30 pm
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 24, 2018, 03:14:57 pm
It seems that when the Holy Angel's Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that, "Everybody knows that old habits dye hard."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 24, 2018, 03:15:19 pm
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything
"Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 27, 2018, 02:44:39 pm
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 28, 2018, 03:19:23 pm

I don't procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things because I will be older and therefore wiser.

Wow!!! Apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash it it was a rescue.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Scotty Brown on November 29, 2018, 06:35:27 pm
Finally we are getting some rain in California --Changing our Fire season to our Flood season  Thus becomes the question--
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 03, 2018, 02:51:35 pm
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 03, 2018, 02:51:58 pm
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.  He simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 03, 2018, 02:52:22 pm
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 03, 2018, 02:52:49 pm
The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 03, 2018, 02:53:36 pm
Here's a few creepy chat-up lines:
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 04, 2018, 02:32:39 pm
Just saw a donkey crossing the road. Cool thing is he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 06, 2018, 02:43:04 pm
The Blind Cowboy:
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 08, 2018, 02:56:27 pm
The officer said "You drinking?" I said "You buying?" And we laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.
Two pigeons are having a beer and one pigeon says "Phil, you still working at that lab delivering urine samples?" Phil says, "No, I've been promoted to stool pigeon."
Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year and he died laughing.
Back in my day we didn't have fancy traction control and ABS brake systems on our motorcycles. We left black tire marks and crashed into shit left and right, just as nature intended.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 08, 2018, 02:57:32 pm
So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."  He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."  The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2018, 10:53:10 pm
My doctor said I needed to drink more water so I added an ice cube to my bourbon.

I taught my dog to fetch a can of beer. That might not sound impressive, but he gets them from my neighbors fridge.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2018, 10:53:33 pm
Dormitory Rules:  On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2018, 10:53:54 pm
Well, I'm in A&E bloody nightmare.. Yesterday was not a good day. I decided to go horse riding,..something I haven't done in ages. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop...... Thank goodness the manager at Tesco came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2018, 10:54:18 pm
Nude Pictures:  On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".  She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 14, 2018, 03:28:52 pm
Forgive Me Father:  A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell all of your sins, my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "But it'll wipe that smile off your face!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 14, 2018, 03:29:19 pm
Bathroom Call:  A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 16, 2018, 11:09:25 pm
Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties, She said Santa do you wanna stay and play, He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO. So he went to leave again and She said once more, "Santa don't you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string, He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the kids don't you know ho ho, So he went to leave one last time and the woman said again, "Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle, He said hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 19, 2018, 03:09:28 pm
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."
Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 19, 2018, 03:09:58 pm
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 19, 2018, 03:10:37 pm
Father: "Son there is something I need to tell you: Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, that's always been me."
"I already know, dad," the son reassures him. "Only the stork, that was Uncle Fred."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2018, 10:53:44 pm
Skill Saw - A cutting device used to make boards too short.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2018, 10:54:10 pm
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2018, 10:54:31 pm
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2018, 10:55:08 pm
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 20, 2018, 10:55:51 pm
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2018, 01:44:11 pm
When I go bowling I always set my name as "3 testicles" Now and then the screen says "Congratulations 3 testicles, you have a spare"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2018, 01:44:32 pm
First Sperm:  Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2018, 01:44:55 pm
A man gets caught cheating on a woman and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mothers house. The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man's dick off and throws it out the window. The detached phallus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge. The car is driven by a Dad with his 9 year old daughter in the passenger seat. The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says, "Wow! did you see the size of that bug!" The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies, "That was a bug?" "It sure was," says the dad. The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad, "Well, it sure had a big dick!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 23, 2018, 01:45:18 pm
Great-Uncle George: The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 26, 2018, 11:46:01 pm
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 27, 2018, 10:41:07 pm
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large 'M' shaped rash. The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I've ever seen." The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love." The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way. The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks. "My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way. The third day another young woman comes into the doctor's office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an 'M' on her chest.  Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" "No," the patient replies, "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 27, 2018, 10:41:46 pm
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bagpipers. They called ground control with a list of demands.  Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one bagpiper player an hour.  :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 29, 2018, 03:42:17 pm
Pretty sure you become an adult the day you can pronounce the word "Worcestershire" Life Update: Still not an adult.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 31, 2018, 03:11:37 pm
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 04, 2019, 01:36:14 am
A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road. The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police. A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says. The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 07, 2019, 03:03:03 pm
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 07, 2019, 03:03:42 pm
Mom: What do you want for your birthday, honey? Daughter: I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe. Mom: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Daughter: No. Barbie cums with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 07, 2019, 03:04:28 pm
Great Bumper Sticker: You can't fix crazy but you can have amazing sex with it.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 08, 2019, 03:18:59 pm
Pro Tip: In the event of a natural disaster, place wieners in your pockets so the search dogs will find you first.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2019, 03:31:13 pm
For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what to do with the bike.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2019, 03:31:35 pm
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2019, 03:32:09 pm
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend is a porn star. She'll kill me if she finds out.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2019, 03:32:36 pm
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan. So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her. At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 11, 2019, 03:33:08 pm
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died... " Are you still holding the ladder?"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 14, 2019, 03:15:54 pm
I thought my vasectomy would keep my girlfriend from getting pregnant but apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Bert Remington on January 23, 2019, 04:22:17 am
Some smiles from AdvRider: https://advrider.com/a-light-hearted-meme-guide-to-the-forum-and-a-few-links/
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on February 18, 2019, 11:44:11 pm
A very young boy was sitting on a bench in the park smoking a cigar and eating candy bars.

After watching the boy for a short while, an old lady walked over to the boy and said, "You really shouldn't be smoking cigars or eating all of that candy.  It is not good for you."

The boy looked at her and said, "My grandfather lived to be 102 years old."

The lady said, "And, did he smoke cigars and eat a lot of candy?"

The boy said, "No.  He minded his own damned business."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 24, 2019, 01:50:54 pm
A blind bunny and a blind snake bump into each other on the path. "What kind of animal are you?" asks the snake. "I really don't know," says the bunny. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the snake felt the bunny. "Well, you're soft and cuddly," said the snake. "You have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail. You must be a bunny!" "Awesome!" says the bunny. "Now what kind of animal are you?" "I really don't know," says the snake. "I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out?" So, the bunny feels the snake all over, and he replies, "You're hard and cold, and you haven't got any balls. You must be a politician"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 24, 2019, 10:16:58 pm
I saw this cartoon in my newspaper today and I thought most of us would appreciate it.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: The Old Coot on February 24, 2019, 10:47:35 pm
I'll have to ask WildBill if he has a can or two.

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52674259_2235427826784863_1709115212478545920_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=dafdaf06e07ae662c9753522342dfcc9&oe=5D19E54D)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 25, 2019, 08:27:44 pm
IA mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess" So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on February 27, 2019, 05:18:07 am
I'll have to ask WildBill if he has a can or two.

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52674259_2235427826784863_1709115212478545920_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=dafdaf06e07ae662c9753522342dfcc9&oe=5D19E54D)
That's kind of a staple in an Aussie shed. Gets the mower going, every time and is handy to have if you have a shitty old Seagull outboard motor. It's a real thing.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 08, 2019, 10:36:15 pm
Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Met a cute girl dressesd as a egg. Answered the old question. It was the chicken.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 09, 2019, 10:00:23 pm
Time for some funny cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 09, 2019, 10:19:05 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=23&v=JHGgv6p7uVI
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 10, 2019, 12:33:40 pm
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS QUESTION: What's for dinner?
SAFER QUESTION: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST QUESTION: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite...! ..
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 10, 2019, 12:34:49 pm
The Kindness of the Irish: The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight. Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still, have 40 dinners available."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 14, 2019, 02:49:58 pm
Continuing Education
Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now.
Paddy: oh!
Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the inventor of the telephone in 1876; If you took night classes you'd know this.

The next day,
Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers".
If you took night classes, you'd know this.

The next day, once again:
Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The Confessions"
If you took night classes, you'd know this.

By now, Paddy is becoming irritated:
And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is?
Mick: No
Paddy: He's the fellow who's bonking your wife!
If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 15, 2019, 01:32:13 pm
I have no idea if this is true or not, but it could very well be:

This notice can now be found in all French churches:
                     
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on March 15, 2019, 09:57:17 pm
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He was grateful to be picked up, but a bit surprised.

"thanks for the ride", he said,  "but aren't you worried I might be a serial killer or something? "

"not really." I replied. "the chances against two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical."

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 18, 2019, 02:11:48 pm
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple'? 'Because I'm the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 18, 2019, 02:12:12 pm
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on! She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems. ''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 20, 2019, 10:41:23 pm
I heard on the news today that a French minister said that she was going to name her cat Brexit, since it stands by her door crying because it wants to get out and then when she opens up the door, the cat won't leave.  I think I see the analogy, there.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 29, 2019, 09:43:45 pm
This is a really funny video - but only if you are a Trump supporter. If not, I wouldn't recommend watching, unless you have some blood pressure medicine nearby:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&app=desktop
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: tooseevee on March 29, 2019, 11:21:45 pm
This is a really funny video - but only if you are a Trump supporter. If not, I wouldn't recommend watching, unless you have some blood pressure medicine nearby:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&app=desktop

          No problem except "inditement"? I could comment here on our pitiful educational systems, but I won't. Why bother? It's way too late.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 08, 2019, 03:25:30 pm
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/features/would-living-in-a-fascist-state-really-be-that-bad-20190408184497
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on April 09, 2019, 05:05:09 am
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
 
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
 "Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says," Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with
only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 09, 2019, 11:00:22 pm
Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs?  She embarrassed she's doing the chicken.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 25, 2019, 08:51:07 pm
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
**************************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT programme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government..

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 27, 2019, 05:05:33 pm
 man goes into hospital for a vasectomy: When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously. "Is there a problem doc?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes. "I'm afraid so, I'm so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy." The patient is devastated and shockingly replies. "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another er-ec-tion." The surgeon pauses for a moment then says. "Well, you might, but it won't be yours!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 02, 2019, 10:43:51 pm
Ain't it the truth.  ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 09, 2019, 10:05:03 pm
Here is a good one.  Then and Now. :D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 14, 2019, 03:20:09 pm
So I asked Alexa "What do women want?"

The fuckin thing hasn't shut up for three days.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on May 17, 2019, 02:49:07 pm
I hear that Iron Barrels are now being ridden by goats.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Joe_535i on May 18, 2019, 12:19:29 pm
I hear that Iron Barrels are now being ridden by goats.   ;D

...they must have come loose somehow.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on June 04, 2019, 12:13:47 am
...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 07, 2019, 03:26:01 pm
Time for some sad book cartoons.  :(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on June 12, 2019, 03:06:14 pm
Irish joke.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Narada on June 22, 2019, 05:50:49 pm
Now that's funny!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: chuychacon on June 23, 2019, 01:42:50 am
OiL is so funny 1
except when its on the road
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 23, 2019, 10:54:55 pm
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a psychologist what to do.

The psychologist said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the garage."

Christmas morning, little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a large pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another big pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on June 29, 2019, 01:48:52 am
A business man put an ad in the newspaper for an accountant for his business.

The next morning he found three guys sitting outside his office waiting for an interview so he asked the first one to follow him into his office.

He asked the man, "What does 5, 4 and 8 equal?"

Without a blink the man answered, "17".

Without asking another question the business man said, "Your excused.  On your way out, tell the next man to come in."

The second man entered the off ice and the business man asked, "What does 12,000 plus 1750 plus 1954 equal?"
In a flash the man answered, "15704".

The business man said, "Your excused.  On your way out, tell the next man to come in."

The third man entered the room and the business man asked, "What does 18756 plus 12903 plus 12867 equal?"

The third man said, "What do you want it to equal?"
The business man said, "Your hired."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on July 02, 2019, 11:25:06 pm
So my youngest son is a police officer and just married a few months back. He came home one evening after his shift, tired and disheveled. His young bride of a few months was concerned and asked "what happened tonight?"
He told her about having to chase a young thug across several yards and over a few fences before the suspect eluded him. His young wife said "you must feel bad that he got away"
He told her that he was a little upset, but that the thug wasn't running with 20 extra pounds around the middle.
His wife replied, "I know, and I bet that gun belt and equipment are heavy too"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on August 14, 2019, 02:42:59 am
An old man walked into a bar and ordered a tall beer.
He gulped it down and asked for another tall beer and rapidly drank it.

This went on for over an hour and after drinking his 7th beer he staggered towards the back door.  Once outside he unzipped his fly and started to dig out his private part when a police officer walked up.
The officer said, "Sir.  You can't pee here."

The old man cast an eye at the officer and said, "Ossifer, I ain't goin' to pee here.  I'm going to pee, WAY OVER THERE!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 19, 2019, 01:41:17 am
Bill and Bobs wives went out for a drink. On the way home, worse for wear, they stopped in a graveyard for a piss. When they'd finished Bill's wife
took her knickers off and wiped herself dry. As Bobs wife was wearing new knickers she didn't want to do that and looked around and found a wreath
which she dried herself with.
The following day Bill and Bob were back in the pub. Bill told Bob that when his wife arrived home the previous night she wasn't wearing any knickers. Bob
told him that was not so bad. He said when his wife got into bed and he started exploring her nether regions, as he did he found a label stuck to her arse
which said "you will be sadly missed -from all the boys at the fire station.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on August 20, 2019, 01:24:55 am


    MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

    After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

    *******************************
    MALE PROCEDURE:
    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    *******************************

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
    (What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on August 21, 2019, 01:26:12 pm
 ;D ::)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 03, 2019, 02:47:49 pm
A major difference between men and women:Two guys will beat the crap out of each other in a bar brawl and shake hands in the parking lot.  Two women will not speak to each other for 10 years because one failed to notice a new pair of shoes.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 03, 2019, 03:44:20 pm
And a few cartoons to brighten up your married life.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on September 26, 2019, 10:34:48 pm
Pick your beer.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Adrian II on September 26, 2019, 11:20:36 pm
And for those of us in the UK who might actually want to order some of those...

https://www.applebybrewery.co.uk/

A case of that stout seems particularly appropriate.  I shall have to order some and report back. All sponsorship appreciated! ;D

A.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Boxerman on September 27, 2019, 08:17:00 am
I didn't even know that they had a brewery at Appleby?
I'll have a look for it the next time I pass that way.

Frank
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on October 12, 2019, 02:52:12 pm
Here is an acid test for the upgraded forum.  A cut-and-paste joke.  In the past I would get the dreaded system database error.  Let's see what happens now:


First text message: Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.

The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2nd TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Bloody Technology, It'll be the death of us al
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 02, 2019, 01:33:06 am
There was a little known crook who robbed several banks and in the process he killed everyone who happened to be in the bank at the time.
Because of his ruthless ways, he was sentenced to a life term in one of the most secure prisons in the nation.

After several years he decided to write stories about people and their life interactions with others.
His stories were good but the publishers thought they lacked anything that would make them unique so they rejected them.

After giving it much thought he decided to rewrite the stories using a poetic type of writing with much of it in verse.  The publishers were amazed with this and published everything he sent to them.
The general public loved his work and bought everything he wrote making him famous.
So many people were amazed with his stories that a movie was soon made about his life and his writings.
Perhaps you've heard of it?

"The Bard Man of Alcatraz".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 03, 2019, 10:21:59 pm
Where does Bigfoot live? Anybody in a 1st floor apartment can tell you.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Joe_535i on November 04, 2019, 09:21:36 am
Where does Bigfoot live? Anybody in a 1st floor apartment can tell you.

Is that guy at the 1st floor apartment still alive? Who would have thought...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Adrian II on November 04, 2019, 10:33:51 pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12si7A9UyGw

Ahem.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Joe_535i on November 06, 2019, 01:46:24 pm
A mother(ship) went to church praying to god to gift her new borns with charisma, she turned to rum as she realized her prayers remaind unheard.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Arizoni on November 21, 2019, 04:30:37 pm
Rudolph Varnisakov lived with his wife in Moscow. He was a high ranking leader in the Communist Party and was admired for his great knowledge by all of his fellow officials.
As he entered his home one evening he said to his wife, "It's raining hard outside. Not a good night to be out."
His wife replied, "No. Your mistaken. It's snowing outside."
Pulling the drapes to the side and looking out he turned to his wife and said, "No. Your wrong. It's raining." "Snowing", responded his wife. "Raining"..."Snowing"..."Raining"... "SNOWING!!"

To this he responded, "Your wrong. People all over the world know that Rudolph, The Red, knows rain dear."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: heloego on November 23, 2019, 01:27:16 pm
Oooooh!  ::)
LOL!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 24, 2019, 10:18:10 pm
On the bus today I was sitting next to this really beautiful girl and I kept thinking "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection" . . . . but she did.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on November 30, 2019, 03:51:23 pm
I want Black Friday televised. Just like the Hunger Games.

A group of ants is called a colony. A group of aunts is called a book club.

Why did Rudolph get a bad report card? Because he went down in history.

What did the sign on the out of business brothel say?  Beat it, we're closed.

 Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 02, 2019, 02:46:53 am


    A Politically Correct Christmas Poem


    Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the North Pole,
    were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.


    Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
    released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear,
    that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!


    The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
    because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
    And millions of people were calling the Cops,
    when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
    and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".


    To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
    He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
    demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.


    So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
    who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
    joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
    demanding from now on that her title was Ms.


    And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
    that making a choice could cause such commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
    Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
    Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.


    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
    And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
    were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
    for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
    who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.


    No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
    besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
    and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.


    So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
    he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
    He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
    but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.
    His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
    nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.


    Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
    give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
    each group of people in every religion.
    Every race, every hue,
    everyone, everywhere...even you!
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...


    "MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, ENJOY PEACE ON EARTH"

Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 02, 2019, 10:55:31 pm
Does this look familiar to anyone?   :o
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 04, 2019, 03:05:48 pm
Here are some cartoons to celebrate "Hump Day".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 05, 2019, 10:38:19 pm
I went to the gym today and there was this really hot girl working out.
I walked up to her and said " Hey sexy what's your new years resolution?"
"Fuck you" she replied.

I'm pretty excited about 2020.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 06, 2019, 03:01:53 pm
What do they call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 08, 2019, 01:43:18 am
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: olhogrider on December 08, 2019, 08:43:35 pm
The buzz Word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:
1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends go up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say,"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.
9. You are at a party; this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That's the Governor of California
10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended. That's America.

11. You post a politically incorrect joke online. That's hilarious  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 09, 2019, 03:19:01 pm
Life in the Australian Army...



Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: mattsz on December 09, 2019, 04:48:36 pm
Life in the Australian Army...

A bit wordy, but totally worth the effort!  I didn't see it coming...  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 10, 2019, 02:47:23 pm
Here are various types of fasteners recommended by the Hayes service manuals that you might need for your next project.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 13, 2019, 10:55:52 pm
The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A1081 just outside Harpenden early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike".
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 15, 2019, 02:07:27 pm
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $500." The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM." The old lady then asked, "Why?" The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you." She then returned the card to the old lady. The old lady remained silent... But then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have." The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?"
The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?" The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000"
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 16, 2019, 02:55:58 pm
During the weekend I was asked how I viewed Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "In Full HD" wasn't the correct answer!
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 17, 2019, 02:39:01 pm
Make sure your Viagra has a "Made in the USA" label. We don't want the Chinese or the Russians meddling in our erections.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on December 18, 2019, 11:43:03 pm
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day the two were playing together when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go and get the farmer to get help.
Off the chicken ran back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmers' new BMW 7-series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off in it with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friends life. Back at the bog the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiney BMW, and managed to get hold of the loop of rope the chicken had tossed him. After tying the other end to rear bumper of the farmers car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car rescued the horse. Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and he too began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his penis and he would lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW sedan to pick up chicks.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 03, 2020, 02:38:50 pm
I think this cartoon will be appreciated by anyone who owns a Royal Enfield.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 09, 2020, 02:18:30 pm
A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist. After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain. The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection." The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas." "Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas." "Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!" "Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?" "You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on January 26, 2020, 11:16:33 pm
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger who was riding with the pilot, who lost communications, was on a cellular phone yelling:"Mayday, mayday, while saying that the pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, and he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!" The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately while saying:"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!" & he began his series of questions: Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me". Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are traveling at 180 mph??" Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me". Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"
Aircraft: "Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 06, 2020, 03:20:49 pm
Here is the Crazy Frog to brighten up your day.   ::)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3e3NB14-eM&feature=emb_title
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Boxerman on February 06, 2020, 05:01:43 pm
Better with the music - Axel F

Frank
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 13, 2020, 11:35:53 pm
A young lad went to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned,last night I masturbated about my sister".
The Priest replied "You wicked boy and you having two beautiful brothers as well."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 13, 2020, 11:36:17 pm
A politician was visiting a rural community and asked a farmer what was needed. The farmer said they had no local doctor. The politician pulled out his cell phone, made a call, and told the farmer a doctor was on the way. The farmer thanked him and said they could also use a cell tower as they had no cell phone reception.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 16, 2020, 10:03:26 pm
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Pete, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Pete replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've tried to treat her nice, spend a lot of money on her, but best of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!" The priest responded, "Pete, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
Pete proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: jimku on February 16, 2020, 10:07:44 pm
What do you get when you cross a jsckass with an onion?

A little tail that'll make your eyes water.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 29, 2020, 03:25:11 pm
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Hull, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ove on February 29, 2020, 05:24:58 pm
Now, that's a little tail to make your eyes water... :'(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on February 29, 2020, 10:21:44 pm
If anyone is offended by that old joke let me know and I will remove it.  I almost got banned for posting it today on a BMW forum.   :(
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 01, 2020, 01:44:48 am
I don't want to alarm anyone but the Coronavirus will soon spread irreversibly.
The most rapid means of contamination and spread are bank notes. Don't touch them.
Wear gloves, place *all* notes in a sealed envelope and leave them by your front door. Message me your address.
Tomorrow morning I'll come by for collection and elimination, I'm doing this for the good of public health! Don't thank me. It is a public service.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Ove on March 01, 2020, 10:51:13 pm
Do you do PayPal?
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 02, 2020, 01:40:28 am
Do you do PayPal?

No, sorry. I prefer cash in old small bills.   ;)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 02, 2020, 02:48:50 pm
When people tell me "you're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep till noon because I'm a problem solver.  ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: olhogrider on March 02, 2020, 07:48:31 pm
 
If anyone is offended by that old joke let me know and I will remove it.  I almost got banned for posting it today on a BMW forum.   :(

 :)
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 05, 2020, 03:22:08 pm
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. Bartender asks him if he knows he a has a steering wheel in his pants. Pirate says "AAARRGH and it's driving me nuts!!!"
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 07, 2020, 02:47:52 pm
For those of you who need instructions on how to adjust your clocks this weekend to conform to Daylight Savings Time, here you go. And I will show you what happens when you get up in the dark on Sunday and let your dog cook you breakfast.
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on March 11, 2020, 02:00:29 pm
Time for a few Hump Day cartoons.   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on March 19, 2020, 09:56:11 pm
...
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: Richard230 on April 06, 2020, 01:56:28 am
A bit of local store news here:

New Corona Virus Rules For Seniors At 7:45 am today at a store that opened at 8 for seniors only . . . A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.  As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,  "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."   ;D
Title: Re: JOTD
Post by: gizzo on April 06, 2020, 02:49:21 am
...