Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 379916 times)

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Arschloch

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Reply #1185 on: October 13, 2020, 06:37:51 pm

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."


The "bear" you might've in mind can't be shot, eventually he will go away.

Innovation doesn't seem to really bring the cure either.  ::)

Maybe a sausage party.  ;)


Arschloch

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Reply #1186 on: October 14, 2020, 12:08:40 pm
https://youtu.be/MNp0q4rn_dE

Anyone up for BOLD ideas? Looks like a case for the polar bear, the scientists say he is starved to death already.  :o


Richard230

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Reply #1187 on: November 06, 2020, 04:00:07 pm
It is time to revisit the Joke of the Day:


    The Madam opened the brothel door in Cork City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late 70’s or early 80’s:
    “May I help you, sir?” She asked.
    The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
    “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
    He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged €10,000 a visit.
    Without hesitation, the old man pulled out €10,000 and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, the old man calmly left.
    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
    “There are no discounts. The price is still €10,000.”
    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
    After an hour, he left.
    The following night the old man was there yet again.
    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
    After their session, Valerie said to the old man.
    “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
    The old man replied. “Montenotte”
    “Really.” She said. “I have family in Montenotte”
    “I know.” The old man said.
    “Your sister died and I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your €30,000 inheritance.”
    The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
    1. Death.
    2. Taxes.
    3. Being screwed by a Solicitor.  ;D

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Arschloch

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Reply #1188 on: November 18, 2020, 03:47:15 pm
How I became unemployed.  (from the former communist Czechoslavakia)

I was the director of a large corporate group. My beautiful secretary brewed every morning my coffee, I drove to work in the Tatra 613. Once they came to me asking to pay CZK 5,000 for the funeral of a member of the Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5,000 CZK I would bury the whole Central Committee myself. Since then, I have worked as a business director of a small company. My old secretary brewed my coffee and I drove to work in the Tatra 603. I was once told that I was not attending the last meeting of the Communist Party. I said that if I knew it was really the last, I would have shown up with a banner. I've been a chief mechanic ever since. I drove to work in my own car, brewing coffee myself. I had a picture of Husák (President) and Gina Lollobrigida on the wall. They told me to take the bitch off the wall. I have removed the picture of Husák and have been working in the excavation business ever since. I rode my bike to work and carried my coffee in a thermos can. While I was digging, they came to me asking to hide my bike, the Soviet delegation would be passing by. I said my bike was locked and insured. And I've been unemployed ever since.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2020, 03:51:23 pm by derottone »


cyrusb

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Reply #1189 on: November 18, 2020, 07:47:44 pm
A new guy in his late 70's showed up at a nursing home .
After a few weeks he claimed to the women he could tell their age by just feeling their tits
A skeptical women lifts her shirt and when he's done, asks well "what's my age"?
He answered "your 76".
Thats amazing, she asks how did you know that?
"You told me yesterday ", was his answer.
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Arizoni

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Reply #1190 on: November 22, 2020, 05:43:15 pm
An old man walks into confessional.
"Father, yesterday I was at the senior center a little late, and I missed the bus home so I was forced to walk.

I was lucky though, as two local college girls in a convertible picked me up.
Well, they must have been a little inebriated or something, because they started bragging about their sexual escapades. How many men they've had. How large they were. And so on.
Then they started giggling, looked back at me, and before I knew it, we were back at their dorm room stripping naked.
Father, it was amazing. Best sex I've ever had. I haven't been able to perform like that for 50 years. All three of us went all night, non stop! I thought I was done for, but they even got a couple more out of me this morning!"
"I see," said the priest, "and how long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never."
"Never?"
"Never, father. I'm jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
With a shit eating grin, the old man says, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
Jim
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cyrusb

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Reply #1191 on: November 23, 2020, 12:43:52 am
enough said... :o
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Richard230

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Reply #1192 on: November 23, 2020, 09:18:43 pm
Here are a four funny cartoons.  :)
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2bikebill

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Reply #1193 on: November 26, 2020, 09:41:10 am
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "$750?
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
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Arschloch

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Reply #1194 on: November 26, 2020, 10:23:55 am
What a fine priest.... ;D


cyrusb

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Reply #1195 on: November 26, 2020, 02:34:39 pm
I feel smarter already... ;D
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Arschloch

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Reply #1196 on: November 27, 2020, 01:58:38 pm
Solar panel tuning.  ;D

https://youtu.be/sfaFgZ0z3aA

Apparently a gift from the EU and the local gob. to increase the cost of electricity little bit.


Arschloch

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cyrusb

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Reply #1198 on: November 28, 2020, 02:31:52 am
 ;D
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AzCal Retred

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Reply #1199 on: November 28, 2020, 03:11:19 am
CyrusB - Here's one for the nieces & nephews in the same vein -

Q: How is the Federation Starship NCC1701 like toilet paper?

A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons... :o
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