[Richard230]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example...  A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the
blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.  Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.  "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.  Did you say hello?"

[Richard230]

Plumbers' crack camouflage. 

[malky]

 

[Richard230]

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. 

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. 

[Richard230]

Poor dog.  He just wants to be friends. Will you help him out? 

[malky]

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...  "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death. 

Ha ha! Makes a pleasant change from Coots sheep jokes.

[The Old Coot]

Ha ha! Makes a pleasant change from Coots sheep jokes.

Jeez, one little joke and you'd think I hated to Scots. I'm NOT prejudice...I pick on everyone Equally. 

[Arizoni]

Fred, a man in his 60's, was feeding his dog one day and decided to taste the dog food.

It was beyond wonderful so he started buying extra cans of it so he could enjoy eating it.

When he told a friend about his discovery the friend said, "Oh my God!  Don't eat the dog food.  It will kill you."

Fred ignored his friends advice and continued to eat dog food.

A few months later, Fred died.
At the funeral, his friend walked up to Fred's wife and said, "I'm so saddened about Fred's passing but I warned him that eating dog food would kill him.

Fred's wife said, "Oh.  It wasn't the dog food that killed him.
He was laying on the couch licking his ass and fell off, breaking his neck."

[Richard230]

    Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
    Olympics that they would like to take back:

    1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
    snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
    personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
    father."

    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
    boxing, but none of them really that serious."

    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
    expect the same thing again."

    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
    it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
    president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
    eleven Dicks on the field."

    9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
    before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
    Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[mattsz]

    Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
    Olympics that they would like to take back:

Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...

[Richard230]

Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...

Who knows?  They came from the internet, so anything is possible - especially when it comes to jokes.  But the way the world is now, they might be actual quotes.    Just listen to our presidential candidates for examples of this trend.   

[Narada]

I really used to enjoy Bush Jr's presidential quotes. I'm sure if you googled them there would be quite a hilarious list!

[Richard230]

    A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
    The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
    Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
    At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
    When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
    The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us.”
    “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
    The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**king sheet rock…”

[Richard230]

This is cute.   

[Richard230]

    Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
    The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
    'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
    If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
    That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
    Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.
    So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner? Still no response.
    Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.
    So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
    So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'     (I just love this)
    'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'