[tooseevee]

Dad walks in on his teenage son, who is wanking, and says "If you keep doing that you'll go blind." The kid replies "Hey dad. I'm over here."

            I told my mother "I'll quit when I need glasses".

[Richard230]

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Richard230]

Q. What has a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common? A. A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[Richard230]

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.  He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

[Richard230]

Over 95% of the Harleys made since 1970 are still on the road today......  That's because the other 5% actually made it home!!!!!

[Richard230]

Two Aussies were hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, "There's an old gear box over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
So, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."

[Arizoni]

Then, there is the old story of the eighty year old getting married to a twenty year old.
People asked if he was worried about heart problems and possible death on his wedding night. He answered,

Well, I speckt it could be a problem, but if she dies she dies.

[Richard230]

I would post a funny joke today, but apparently it is too long to be accepted by the postal system.   

[Arschloch]

I would post a funny joke today, but apparently it is too long to be accepted by the postal system.   

What I always wanted to ask you, are you inventing all those jokes? Great stuff.

[Richard230]

I am a collector, not an inventor.

Let me try a less wordy joke:  Someone emailed me a pic of a newspaper headline. It read "Parents keep children at home to protest school closure"  I hope Elon Musk never gets into a scandal because ElonGate would be really drawn out.

[Richard230]

OK.  Let me see if this works:

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great... Some asshole's got my pen!'

[Richard230]

Let me see if this one breaks the bank:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbour. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.

[Richard230]

OK. I am going for the gold. This one got rejected earlier today:

Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque. Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes. When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque. Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime. Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free. The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[Richard230]

Yup. I tried posting a longer one that above and that finally got the rejection message. 

[Richard230]

I picked up a hitchhiker and he said "Aren't you worried I might be a serial killer?" I said "No. The odds of 2 serial killers being in the same car are pretty slim."