[heloego]

  Love the Rocker  and the Eye Chart! 

[Richard230]

Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

"What are you doing?" asked my wife as she walked in on me and our children sitting around the table. "I'm just showing them these old photos from when I used to be a Boxer" I said, showing off. "If you turn them sideways kids, it looks like your Dad's standing up"

"Is this ointment okay to use?” a man asks a chemist. "Why what's wrong with it? He enquires. "Well it says apply locally and I'm not from round here" said the man.

If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have somehow managed to cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and stack them by the side of the field.

Winery (noun): A group of women who have run out of chocolate.

For my birthday, all my mates from work came around my place. They all had gifts, Cocaine, Skunk weed, Ecstasy, and 3 Thai prostitutes. It's amazing, the perks of working for the police.

A 60M resistor attacked me yesterday. It beat me blue, black and violet.

[Richard230]

More cartoons from the peanut gallery.   

[Richard230]

and four more.

[mattsz]

A 60M resistor attacked me yesterday. It beat me blue, black and violet.

Ooo, a specialty joke!

A C, an E flat and a G walk into a bar. "Sorry," the barman said. "We don't serve minors."

[Richard230]

United Airlines is doing their best to generate some sort-of-funny cartoons. 

[Richard230]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog
cart. "Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers: "What part did you get?"

It was back in the 70's and a soon-to-be prominent (and rather arrogant) golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta in his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies. They had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the Caddy Master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed. The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, "Hello Mr. Floyd." Floyd said "Hello." And followed with: "That's the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question." Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene, he said out loud, "I'm going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole." Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, "How's that?" The caddy spoke for the first time and said, "That wasn't your ball." … You gotta love it! 

[Arizoni]

Speaking of golf, God and St. Peter were talking one day about golf.

St. Peter said, "I know I could win in a game against you." and God replied, "OK, your on!".

POOF!  They suddenly appeared on a beautiful golf course on the first green.

God said, "You go first."

St. Peter placed his ball on the tee and selected his best driver.
Taking note of the wind and the pin location he swung, driving his ball straight down the fairway.  It came to a rest 30 yards short of the green.

God pulled out his driver, set His ball on the tee and swung.
The ball hooked badly and flew into to the rough.

Before the ball stopped rolling a rabbit hopped out of the bushes and nudged the ball forward with his nose out into the fairway at which point a owl swooped down grabbing the ball with his talons and flew towards the green.
The owl dropped the ball just short of the hole and it continued to roll right into the cup for a hole in one.

St. Peter looked at god and said, "Did you come here to play golf or are you just going to fuck around all day?"

[Richard230]

The UAL jokes just keep on coming.   

[Richard230]

Subject: United in the news:
A few new slogans for United Airlines:
Our prices can't be beaten.  But our passengers can.
Board as a doctor.  Leave as a patient.
We put the hospital in hospitality.
We have First Class, Business Class, and No Class.
We have an offer you can't refuse.  No, really…
Not enough seating?   Prepare for a beating.
We treat you like we treat your luggage.
We beat the customer, not the competition.
And you thought leg room was an issue.

[Richard230]

Happy Easter!   

[Richard230]

Son: " Dad why is my sister called Teresa?" Dad: "Because your Mum loves Easter-it's an anagram". Son: "Thanks Dad".  Dad: "You're welcome Alan ".

[Richard230]

More cartoons.   

[Richard230]

There seems to be no end to funny cartoons.   

[Richard230]

Flawless Male Logic
This is a conversation between a man and his wife.  Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman:  Do you drink beer? Man:  Yes
Woman:  How many beers a day? Man:  Usually about three
Woman:  How much do you pay per beer? Man:  $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Woman:  And how long have you been drinking? Man:  About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct? Man:  Correct
Woman:  If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct? Man:  Correct
Woman:  Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane? Man:  Do you drink beer?
Woman:  No. Man:  Where's your airplane?