[Arizoni]

Two friends were walking down the street and one of them noticed a dog, sitting across the street with one leg raised high in the air, licking his organ.

The guy said to his friend, "I wish I could do that."

His friend said, "I think you better make friends by patting him first."

[Richard230]

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door last Sunday. Talk about being a religious fanatic! Four hours we stood there arguing about the true meaning of the Bible and how God wanted us to live our lives. Four fucking hours! And all she could say every twenty minutes was, "Well, I think I'd better be getting along now."

I came home to find my wife shagging the window cleaner... I was angry yet very impressed at how they didn't fall off his ladder.

The head teacher from the school called me today. "I've just caught your son having sex with Sarah Jones," he said, "I am totally disgusted." "Me too," I replied, "Isn't she the fat ginger one?"

I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?” The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!”

I get LGBT and BLT horribly confused. Had some interesting sandwiches though.

The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected. Only women came.

[Arizoni]

A woman wanted to fix things around the home so she bought a Do It Yourself book and read thru it.

She had a few tools but realized she didn't have any files so she went down to the local hardware store.

Asking the store owner to show her some files the owner walked over to a big display case and said, "Well, we have this nice bastard file that might work for you."

Not wanting to show that she didn't know anything about files she said, "No.  I'll take that Son of a Bitch over there."

[Richard230]

Plan G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for "Medicare Plan G".

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what? Now that I've solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week.

[Otto_Ing]

...maybe that's why the corporate leaders don't do it anymore, instead they dictate crap. 

[Richard230]

 

[Richard230]

 

[Richard230]

The Art Collector's Wife
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures. She believes they will bring in $15 to $20 million, and I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Wow! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman and you just made my day! Now I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Little Bobby and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bobby goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bobby bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was simply adorable, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bobby , you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bobby replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bobby instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Bobby has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bobby , it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bobby just shrugs his shoulders and says, " Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Always, always, always follow the S O P’ s .........that’s Standard Operating Procedures Good news: It was a normal day in Sharon Springs , Kansas , when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina. Bad news: Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail. Good news: A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules. Bad news: The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses. The crew tried to explain this to Union Pacific higher-ups but were instructed not to move the train! They were informed that Rules prohibited moving the train when a part was found to be defective! 'REMEMBER, The RULES Are The RULES !' Don't ever let COMMON SENSE get in the way of a good Disaster!

The local Taliban gardener was planning terrorist attacks by radio signal from his allotment, so I covered the whole area in silver paper to block the transmissions. That's foiled his plot.

I told the missus that I donated sperm. "I'm surprised," she smiled. "Why?" I asked. "I never knew you had any!" she laughed. I said, "I do, trust me. Just ask your sister."

Every now and then I like to learn a new swear word. So I park in front of my neighbour's driveway.

[Richard230]

Sunday cartoons.   

[Richard230]

And four more.

[mattsz]

Here's a special one for Richard230...

[Richard230]

That is no joke mattsz.     The second time around can be as good as the first time when your memory starts fading.     Fortunately, or unfortunately, the internet never forgets.   

[Guaire]

California is going to need a lot of ammo!

[Otto_Ing]

California is going to need a lot of ammo!

Is that a joke?

[Guaire]

There are a lot of crooked politicians there. Thanks to that, a lot of people have been leaving California though.