[mattsz]

'For Christ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

I didn't see that coming!  Hilarious - that one's making the rounds of my personal contacts...

Here's something - not a joke, really... do computers have a sense of humor?  I say, "yes".  Attached below is a screen shot of my Mac's "Finder" (file explorer) window, exactly the way it opened on my computer (except a couple of added privacy blocks):

[heloego]

I think you just gave yourself a new moniker. 

[mattsz]

I think you just gave yourself a new moniker. 

Self-inflicted... 

[malky]

Funny!  But - are they real quotes, or just jokes?  You know which one I'm hoping for...

These are real. From the late famous uk sport's commentator.David Coleman.

"He is one of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him."

"If that had gone in, it would have been a goal."

"We estimate, and this isn't an estimation, that Greta Waltz is 80 seconds behind."
"He is accelerating all the time. The last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62."

"And the line-up for the final of the women's 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman."

"The front wheel crosses the finish line, closely followed by the back wheel."

"The Republic of China: back in the Olympic Games for the first time."

"That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world record."

"Forest have now lost six matches without winning."

"There is a fine line between serendipity and stalking."

"This evening is a very different evening from the morning we had this morning."

"He's seven seconds ahead and that's a good question."

"I think there is no doubt, she'll probably qualify for the final."

[Richard230]

Subject: Camp Letter:
Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Johnny

[Richard230]

Checkout.   

[Narada]

That sounds like a fun camp!  Just don't go in the scoutmasters tent.

[Richard230]

INTERNET PUNS:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

17. A backward poet writes inverse. 

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 

21. A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The 
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion 
allowed per passenger.' 

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in 
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't 
have your kayak and heat it too. 

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal, transcend dental medication. 

[Scotty Brown]

Reminded me of the two Maggots making love in dead Earnest

[Richard230]

Chickens in politics just trying to cross the road:   

DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep the chickens from crossing the road, and we will make the chickens pay for it.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road..
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with that chicken..
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery.
SARAH PALIN: Because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.
OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so he can just drive across the road.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2015, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.
  BERNIE SANDERS:  All the eggs this chicken laid on the other side of the road, need to be shared equally with all other chickens, even if they didn't lay eggs...
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one???

[Richard230]

I know how everyone on this forum loves a good bureaucratic tale and here is a good one:

This is an actual letter: State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ ... File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely, 
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.
The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS 

[Richard230]

2016 Wedding Announcement
Today's generation daughter texts Dad.
"Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon.
Get out your check book. LOL!!! "
"I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber."
"My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding!
Lots of love and thanks, from your favorite daughter. Lilly"

Lilly's Dad's reply (also texting)... (Dad has it all together)
"My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever!"
"I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon,
and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay!"
L.O.L. Daddy!

[Richard230]

If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it,
Then my illegal logging business is a success. 

[Richard230]

Four funny cartoons.   

[Otto_Ing]

Guts vs. Balls