Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 388499 times)

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mattsz

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Reply #270 on: April 07, 2016, 10:17:14 am
What do you call an American at St Andrews university?

Janitor. ;D

hey, HEY!  >:( That's "sanitation engineer" to you!  ;)

For all the various duties my job - running a passenger/vehicle ferry - requires, the very first item on the official state-sanctioned job description is, basically, janitor...  ::)


malky

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Reply #271 on: April 10, 2016, 09:10:59 pm
 :o
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream


Scotty Brown

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Reply #272 on: April 12, 2016, 02:38:00 am
Older gentleman applies for a job and is interviewed by  the human relations manager.
HR manager:  " What do you consider your biggest fault?"
Older applicant:  "Honesty !"
HR manager: " Well, I wouldn't consider honesty a fault!"
Older applicant:  "Well I don't give a shit what you consider"


mattsz

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Reply #273 on: April 12, 2016, 10:30:48 am
"Well I don't give a shit what you consider"

Love this classic!  Thanks for bringing it back...


malky

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Reply #274 on: April 15, 2016, 08:29:25 am
.
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream


Arizoni

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Reply #275 on: April 15, 2016, 11:11:37 pm
After reading the Petition for Divorce, the magistrate looked at the  96 year old man and his 94 year old wife, standing before him.

"I'm curious" he said.
"Why are you applying for a divorce after 70 years of marriage?"

The old woman said, "We didn't want to upset the children so we had to wait until they had all passed on."
Jim
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heloego

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Reply #276 on: April 16, 2016, 02:31:03 pm
In other Divorce proceedings...

   After careful consideration of the Petition for Divorce, the court judge looked at the petitioner and said,
"I'm sorry, Mickey Mouse. Our laws don't allow you to divorce Minnie MOuse just because you think she's crazy."
   Mickey replied, "Your Honor. I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f*ckin' Goofy!"
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malky

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Reply #277 on: April 17, 2016, 11:34:36 am
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream


Arizoni

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Reply #278 on: April 19, 2016, 04:49:33 am
A Latin American magician told his audience he would completely disappear at the count of three.

"Uno, dos,"  POOF!

He vanished without a tres.
Jim
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1999 Miata 10th Anniversary


mattsz

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Reply #279 on: April 19, 2016, 11:08:00 am
A Latin American magician told his audience he would completely disappear at the count of three.

"Uno, dos,"  POOF!

He vanished without a tres.



Arizoni

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Reply #280 on: April 22, 2016, 10:11:38 pm
A man who dearly loved his cat needed to make a business trip to Germany so he asked his brother to look after the cat and feed it while he was away.

After several days in Germany,  he finally had an opportunity to call his brother on the phone and the first thing he asked was, "How's my favorite cat?"

His brother said, "Damn cat died."

Greatly shaken with this news, the man shouted, "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?" 
"You know how much that cat meant to me."

His brother said, "Well, what would you have me say then?"

The man said, "Well, you could have said you and the cat were out on the front porch when a big squirrel ran across the driveway and up a tree.
Like a shot, the cat was after it and charged up the tree in close pursuit.

The squirrel jumped from the tree to another tree and the cat tried to follow it but it misjudged the distance and it fell to the ground.
The impact knocked the cat out but quick as a flash, you picked it up and rushed it to the Vet.
The Vet did all he could but sorry to say, the cat passed away."
That's what you could have said."  "By the way, how's mom?"

His brother answered, "Mom and I were out on the front porch when a big squirrel ran across the driveway and up a tree.
Like a shot, mom was after it and charged up the tree..."
« Last Edit: April 22, 2016, 10:15:49 pm by Arizoni »
Jim
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The Old Coot

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Reply #281 on: April 22, 2016, 11:06:43 pm
First Prince now this more sad news from the music world

Justin Bieber found alive and well in his hotel room.
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malky

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Reply #282 on: April 23, 2016, 01:58:27 pm
First Prince now this more sad news from the music world

Justin Bieber found alive and well in his hotel room.
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream


Richard230

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Reply #283 on: April 25, 2016, 03:59:31 pm
These old ads bring back fond memories of the way it used to be.....   ;D
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mattsz

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Reply #284 on: April 26, 2016, 12:16:37 am
yeah - love the tapeworm diet!

I've seen the "cola" ad before - for those who can't read the ad copy:

Quote
For a better start in life start COLA earlier!

How soon is too soon?

Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during that early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and"fitting in" during those awkward pre-teen and teen years.  So, do yourself a favor.  Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and other sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.

This helpful advice brought to you by, naturally, The Soda Pop Board of America.  No wonder we're so fµ©ked up here in the US...