[1 Thump]

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[jdrouin]

That's a great joke! I'm going to remember it. It reminds me of a joke that was told to me by the father of one of my swimming students many, many years ago:

A woman walks into a bar and hangs her coat on a tall stand, flashing a tremendous amount of armpit hair as she does so.

The drunkard at the end of the bar slurs, "Hey, bahtendah. Send the ballerina over theah a drink, on me." The bartender complied with the man's request, and the woman lifted her glass in thanks.

Some time later, the drunk again says, "Hey, bahtendah. Send the ballerina over theah a drink, on me." The bartender did it again and his gesture met again with a raised glass in thanks.

A few minutes later, the drunk again says, "Hey, bahtendah. Send the ballerina over theah another drink, on me."

"Hold on, now. What makes you so sure she's a ballerina?" asked the bartender.

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

[boggy]

Haha!  I'll keep it going...

A man walks into a bar.  He says, "bartender, I'm broke, but I need a drink bad and I'll do anything you ask."

Bartender says, "Ok, first I want to see you drink that entire spittoon.  Second, my dog is in the next room and needs his bad tooth pulled.  Third, I want you to go upstairs and have sex with my wife.  I'm impotent and she could really use a good shag.  Do all those things and all your drinks are on the house"

The man thinks to himself and says, "Well, the spittoon is disgusting, and I hate dogs, but if I get a drink and get to have sex then I guess it's worth it."

So he walks over to the spittoon, picks it up, and drinks the whole thing in one gulp.  It's disgusting, he can barely keep it down, and he's now so messed up he can't even see straight.

He then stumbles into the next room where the dog is and shuts the door behind him.  The bartender hears all kinds of barking and yelling and can tell things are getting real nasty inside.  Suddenly the man screams, the dog howls, and the sound stops.

The door opens and the man comes out of the room pulling up his pants and says to the bartender, "Ok... now where is that dog of yours with the bad tooth."

[ScooterBob]

 ............... So this guy comes busting into the little bar at lunchtime and says "Call the cops! There has been a car wreck out front here!" - towhich the old drunk at the end of the bar raises up his head and says "It coulda been worse ..." A little while later, another person into the little bar and hollers "Oh my gosh! A fellow's just been hit by a bus outside - he's hurt pretty bad - could someone call an ambulance??" - to which the old drunk again raises up and says "It coulda been worse ...."

That evening a regular patron comes in with a somber look on his face, sits down, orders up a double and says to the bartender "Did you hear about Smith? He was shaggin' Jone's wife last night and old Jonesey came home early from work, found him and shot him DEAD!" Again the old drunk raised up and said "It coulda been worse!" At this point the bartender has had enough of him. He grabs the drunk up off of his stool, pulls him halfway over the bar by his collar and yells at him "How could it have been WORSE?? A man was shot and killed! Are you deaf - or didn't you hear all that?? HOW could it have been worse??"

The old drunk replied "If he would come home early night before last - he'd have shot ME ... "

It COULD have been worse! 

[gashousegorilla]

 OK, A little Indian boy asks his chief, Why did you name "Running Bear" ,"Running Bear" or "Lone Wolf ","Lone Wolf" ?  Why do we not have ordinary names like the Pale face have? Frank, Joe, Mike ,and etc.
 Well the Chief goes on to explain that " when Running Bear was born, the first thing I saw when I left the Wigwam was a running Bear. The same with Lone Wolf.
The Chief leans back and takes a drag on his pipe , as if deep in thought. Then asks, "why do you ask such a question Two Dogs Shagging?" 

A alternate word may be used instead of "shagging" 

[Blltrdr]

Monday morning at work Steve is approached by his friend Jerry who asks what he did Saturday night.

Steve tells Jerry, "Saturday night I went to a party got drunk then came home and blew chunks."

Jerry says, "Hey Steve got you beat, Saturday night I went to a party got drunk and on the way home got a DUI and thrown in jail."

Steve replies, "No Jerry you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

[1Blackwolf1]

Monday morning at work Steve is approached by his friend Jerry who asks what he did Saturday night.

Steve tells Jerry, "Saturday night I went to a party got drunk then came home and blew chunks."

Jerry says, "Hey Steve got you beat, Saturday night I went to a party got drunk and on the way home got a DUI and thrown in jail."

Steve replies, "No Jerry you don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"

dammmnnn......

[1Blackwolf1]

  An old drunk walks into a biker bar frequented by a local 1% gang.  After having a couple shots he walks up to the biggest, meanest looking biker and says'  "Your grandma is some looker boy".  The biker turns red but lets it pass.  A few minutes later the old drunk walks back to the biker and says I'm thinking of going to her place after I leave here".  Again the biker takes it and says nothing.

  The bikers friends are amazed that this has gone on this long..usually their friend was ready to fight at the drop of a hat. 

  The old man comes back one last time and says, "Boy your grandma and I were really going at it last night".  Finally the dude has had enough and jumps up and says "Okay grandpa you've had enough, time to go home".

[Lahti35]

Guy walks into a bar with a monkey, sits down and order a beer. As the monkey procedes to start eating some peanuts the bartender says: "Hey nice monkey", to which the patron replies: "Yeah he's something, I'll bet you my beer that he'll eat whatever your want him to".

So the bartender steps out from behind the counter, and comes back ina minute with the 8 Ball from the corner pool table.

"Get him to eat this and your beer is free" says the bartender.

The guys says "Monkey eat this" and it does, in one gulp.

The bartender is wide eyed and amazed. He surely has never seen the like and true to his word gives the man his beer on the house.

Later that week the guy and his monkey comes back in and just like before  they sit down at the bar.  The guy orders a beer and the monkey starts eating the peanuts. However this time the bartender notices that the monkey shells the peanuts sticks them up his butt, then pulls them out and eats them.

Disgusted, but curious, the bartender asks the man why in the world the monkey sticks the peanuts up his butt before he eats them.

The man replies: "Ever since you had him eat that 8 ball he measures everything first!"

[ScooterBob]

OK - You've forced me into this .......

One night a grizzly comes into a little bar in Idaho and demands a beer. The Bartender says "We don't sell beer to bears in bars in Boise". The bear was quite perplexed - but he insisted on that beer.  "We don't sell beer to bears in bars in Boise" was the reply again. The bear was upset over this so he says "I'll eat that woman at the end of the bar if you don't sell me a beer!" to which the bartender again replied "We don't sell beer to bears in bars in Boise". The bear, now furious, goes to the end of the bar, garbs up the tawdry lass sitting there and eats her in front of the frightened patrons. The bartender looks at the bear and says "NOW - you are going to jail on drug charges!" "Drug charges?" the bear asked astonished? "Yup" says the bartender "that was a bar bitch you ate" ........  (I hear the groaning .... but YOU started it!! Hahaha!)

[redcat]

Two Irishmen are sitting next to each other in a bar in Dublin. One says to the other" where ya frum"? The second man says,"the South side of Cork". The first man says" I'm frum Cork". With that they each toss back a Jameson's.  Where did ya go ta school? The second fellow replies "St. Mary's"." I WENT TO ST. MARYS TOO"  the first man yells. Another Jameson's goes down the hatch. "Did ya have Sister Agnus" ? The second man excitedly said "Yes I did, I did have Sister Agnus." One more Jameson's is swallowed.
    Just then a third man comes into the bar and asks the Bar keep what,s going on The Bar tender replies ," Nuthin except the O'Malley twins are drunk again".

[Rick O'Shea]

Ok boys........ Pirate walks into a bar with his talleywhacker stuck through a steering wheel. Bartender says" yo longjohn, see ya got a steering wheel stuck on yer johnson" and the pirate snarles " ayyyeeee, it's drivin' me nuts!"

[RBHoge]

Okie Dokie, My turn.

A duck waddles into a bar and hops up on a stool and looks at the bartender and asks, "Got any Grapes?"

"No", the bartender replies, "This is a bar, I sell beer, wine, whisky,and other alcoholic drinks."  With this the duck shrugs his wings, hops off of the bar stool, and waddles out.

The next day, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on the bar stool and asks the bartender, "Got any Grapes?"

"No", the bartender replies again, "This is a bar, I sell beer, wine, whisky,and other alcoholic drinks."  With this the duck shrugs his wings, hops off of the bar stool, and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the bar, hops up on the bar stool and asks the bartender, "Got any Grapes?"

"No", the bartender replies once again, "This is a bar, I sell beer, wine, whisky,and other alcoholic drinks. Don't keep coming in here asking for grapes. If you do, ask me one more time, I will nail your bill to the bar!" Once again the duck shrugs his wings, hops off of the bar stool, and waddles out.


The next day, the same duck waddles into the bar, hops up on the bar stool and asks the bartender, "Got any Nails?"

  No appologies, Groan away!

[Lahti35]

So these 3 guys are working on a railroad in the old west, an Irishman, a Chinese guy, and German.

The foreman comes up to the small group and explains the days tasks.

To the German he says: "Your section is in charge of grading the bed and laying the ties."

To the Irishman he says: "Your section is in charge of laying the track."

To the Chinese guy he says: "YOU are in charge of the supplies"

After deligating the days work the forman departs to attend to various issues up and down the construction site, at lunch he returns to check on their progress. He shocked to see that the section crews are laying around and no work has been done. Immediately he calls the section chiefs out and demands an explanation.

First he asks the German why the bed is not graded and the ties not laid. The German responds: " Ve could get ze zupplies ve needed!"

Furious over this he finds the Irishman and shakes his fist, asking him why the track had not been laid. The Irishman responds: "Saints preserve us, we had no supplies!"

The foreman is outraged at hearing this and screams the Chinese guys name. Just then the Chinese guy jumps out from behind a pile of crates and yells: "SUPPRIES!"

[ScooterBob]

D'OH!