so i think i really got it now.
once the new longer , correct cam bolt came ,i installed the next day. I was able to get good purchase and apply the extra nut. she is solid.
the slot on the swing arm plate is much wider than it was originally meaning there is a big gap between the pivot bolt and the slot.
where i went wrong was simply this i believe:
the brake plate needed to be rotated around forward so that the pivot bolt was on the bottom edge of the swing arm plate preventing the plate moving when applying the brake. i did do this before, but had the actual brake arm too far forward and didnt have the brake pivot bolt tight enough. This along with the not so secure brake arm because of wrong cam bolt caused too much movement.
I did have the brake plate rotated forward so that it couldnt move any more when applying the brake but i also had the brake arm too far forward and the pivot nut not tight enough. This meant that applying the brake would actually pull the whole brake plate up again as the nuts there werent tight enough either.
the real solution to this is to close that gap in the swing arm plate.
one of you guys here would have figured this out along time ago...
im still a bit scared of the back brake, but i know in my mind that as long as i keep an eye on the pivot nut , the brake cant really move.