Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 94228 times)

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Richard230

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Reply #990 on: March 09, 2019, 04:19:05 pm
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Richard230

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Reply #991 on: March 10, 2019, 07:33:40 am
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS QUESTION: What's for dinner?
SAFER QUESTION: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST QUESTION: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

And my personal favorite...! ..
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

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Richard230

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Reply #992 on: March 10, 2019, 07:34:49 am
The Kindness of the Irish: The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight. Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still, have 40 dinners available."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

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Reply #993 on: March 14, 2019, 09:49:58 am
Continuing Education
Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now.
Paddy: oh!
Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the inventor of the telephone in 1876; If you took night classes you'd know this.

The next day,
Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers".
If you took night classes, you'd know this.

The next day, once again:
Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is?
Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of "The Confessions"
If you took night classes, you'd know this.

By now, Paddy is becoming irritated:
And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is?
Mick: No
Paddy: He's the fellow who's bonking your wife!
If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

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Reply #994 on: March 15, 2019, 08:32:13 am
I have no idea if this is true or not, but it could very well be:

This notice can now be found in all French churches:
                     
It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.

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gizzo

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Reply #995 on: March 15, 2019, 04:57:17 pm
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He was grateful to be picked up, but a bit surprised.

"thanks for the ride", he said,  "but aren't you worried I might be a serial killer or something? "

"not really." I replied. "the chances against two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical."

simon from south Australia
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Richard230

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Reply #996 on: March 18, 2019, 09:11:48 am
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery, asked the couple'? 'Because I'm the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
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Richard230

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Reply #997 on: March 18, 2019, 09:12:12 am
Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on! She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems. ''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after!
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Richard230

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Reply #998 on: March 20, 2019, 05:41:23 pm
I heard on the news today that a French minister said that she was going to name her cat Brexit, since it stands by her door crying because it wants to get out and then when she opens up the door, the cat won't leave.  I think I see the analogy, there.
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Richard230

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Reply #999 on: March 29, 2019, 04:43:45 pm
This is a really funny video - but only if you are a Trump supporter. If not, I wouldn't recommend watching, unless you have some blood pressure medicine nearby:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&app=desktop
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tooseevee

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Reply #1000 on: March 29, 2019, 06:21:45 pm
This is a really funny video - but only if you are a Trump supporter. If not, I wouldn't recommend watching, unless you have some blood pressure medicine nearby:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cVsmuxOj28&app=desktop

          No problem except "inditement"? I could comment here on our pitiful educational systems, but I won't. Why bother? It's way too late.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 06:24:14 pm by tooseevee »
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Richard230

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Arizoni

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Reply #1002 on: April 08, 2019, 11:05:09 pm
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
 
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
 "Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says," Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with
only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you are my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Jim
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Richard230

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Reply #1003 on: April 09, 2019, 05:00:22 pm
Why does the Easter Bunny hide her eggs?  She embarrassed she's doing the chicken.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1