Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 379662 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #975 on: December 29, 2018, 03:42:17 pm
Pretty sure you become an adult the day you can pronounce the word "Worcestershire" Life Update: Still not an adult.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #976 on: December 31, 2018, 03:11:37 pm
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #977 on: January 04, 2019, 01:36:14 am
A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road. The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police. A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says. The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #978 on: January 07, 2019, 03:03:03 pm
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #979 on: January 07, 2019, 03:03:42 pm
Mom: What do you want for your birthday, honey? Daughter: I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe. Mom: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken? Daughter: No. Barbie cums with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #980 on: January 07, 2019, 03:04:28 pm
Great Bumper Sticker: You can't fix crazy but you can have amazing sex with it.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #981 on: January 08, 2019, 03:18:59 pm
Pro Tip: In the event of a natural disaster, place wieners in your pockets so the search dogs will find you first.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #982 on: January 11, 2019, 03:31:13 pm
For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the next day I came across some road kill so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious. I'm just not sure what to do with the bike.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #983 on: January 11, 2019, 03:31:35 pm
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #984 on: January 11, 2019, 03:32:09 pm
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend is a porn star. She'll kill me if she finds out.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #985 on: January 11, 2019, 03:32:36 pm
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan. So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her. At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #986 on: January 11, 2019, 03:33:08 pm
I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died... " Are you still holding the ladder?"
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,021
  • Karma: 0
Reply #987 on: January 14, 2019, 03:15:54 pm
I thought my vasectomy would keep my girlfriend from getting pregnant but apparently all it does is change the color of the baby.
2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2020 KTM Duke 390, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Bert Remington

  • Grease Monkey
  • ****
  • Posts: 440
  • Karma: 0
Reply #988 on: January 23, 2019, 04:22:17 am
2016 RE Classic 500 CA version Fair-Weather Mountain Bike
2014 Can-Am Spyder RT-S SE6 Freeway Commuter Pod


Arizoni

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,412
  • Karma: 2
  • "But it's a dry heat here in Arizona
Reply #989 on: February 18, 2019, 11:44:11 pm
A very young boy was sitting on a bench in the park smoking a cigar and eating candy bars.

After watching the boy for a short while, an old lady walked over to the boy and said, "You really shouldn't be smoking cigars or eating all of that candy.  It is not good for you."

The boy looked at her and said, "My grandfather lived to be 102 years old."

The lady said, "And, did he smoke cigars and eat a lot of candy?"

The boy said, "No.  He minded his own damned business."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary