aboard

Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 84381 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #930 on: November 24, 2018, 09:13:57 am
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?" The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #931 on: November 24, 2018, 09:14:30 am
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #932 on: November 24, 2018, 09:14:57 am
It seems that when the Holy Angel's Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that, "Everybody knows that old habits dye hard."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #933 on: November 24, 2018, 09:15:19 am
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything
"Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #934 on: November 27, 2018, 08:44:39 am
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #935 on: November 28, 2018, 09:19:23 am

I don't procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things because I will be older and therefore wiser.

Wow!!! Apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash it it was a rescue.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Scotty Brown

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 524
  • Karma: 0
  • Scotty Brown
Reply #936 on: November 29, 2018, 12:35:27 pm
Finally we are getting some rain in California --Changing our Fire season to our Flood season  Thus becomes the question--


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #937 on: December 03, 2018, 08:51:35 am
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #938 on: December 03, 2018, 08:51:58 am
A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.  He simply replied, "No peer pressure."
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #939 on: December 03, 2018, 08:52:22 am
Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #940 on: December 03, 2018, 08:52:49 am
The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #941 on: December 03, 2018, 08:53:36 am
Here's a few creepy chat-up lines:
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #942 on: December 04, 2018, 08:32:39 am
Just saw a donkey crossing the road. Cool thing is he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #943 on: December 06, 2018, 08:43:04 am
The Blind Cowboy:
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1


Richard230

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,217
  • Karma: 0
Reply #944 on: December 08, 2018, 08:56:27 am
The officer said "You drinking?" I said "You buying?" And we laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.
Two pigeons are having a beer and one pigeon says "Phil, you still working at that lab delivering urine samples?" Phil says, "No, I've been promoted to stool pigeon."
Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year and he died laughing.
Back in my day we didn't have fancy traction control and ABS brake systems on our motorcycles. We left black tire marks and crashed into shit left and right, just as nature intended.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1