[Richard230]

A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old great grandfather: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.  He simply replied, "No peer pressure."

[Richard230]

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really! Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants"

[Richard230]

The other day I went to the ATM and this old man asked if I could check his balance, so I pushed him over.

[Richard230]

Here's a few creepy chat-up lines:
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
"I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U..."
"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
You look much more attractive in person than you do through my telescope.

[Richard230]

Just saw a donkey crossing the road. Cool thing is he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart ass.

[Richard230]

The Blind Cowboy:
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[Richard230]

The officer said "You drinking?" I said "You buying?" And we laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.
Two pigeons are having a beer and one pigeon says "Phil, you still working at that lab delivering urine samples?" Phil says, "No, I've been promoted to stool pigeon."
Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I was good this year and he died laughing.
Back in my day we didn't have fancy traction control and ABS brake systems on our motorcycles. We left black tire marks and crashed into shit left and right, just as nature intended.

[Richard230]

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says, "If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."  He grabs her butt and says, "If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."  The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says, "And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother."

[Richard230]

My doctor said I needed to drink more water so I added an ice cube to my bourbon.

I taught my dog to fetch a can of beer. That might not sound impressive, but he gets them from my neighbors fridge.

[Richard230]

Dormitory Rules:  On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying, "The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?

[Richard230]

Well, I'm in A&E bloody nightmare.. Yesterday was not a good day. I decided to go horse riding,..something I haven't done in ages. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop...... Thank goodness the manager at Tesco came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant.

[Richard230]

Nude Pictures:  On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".  She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[Richard230]

Forgive Me Father:  A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell all of your sins, my daughter." "Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it." "Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?" "No," the priest says, "But it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

[Richard230]

Bathroom Call:  A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[Richard230]

Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties, She said Santa do you wanna stay and play, He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO. So he went to leave again and She said once more, "Santa don't you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string, He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the kids don't you know ho ho, So he went to leave one last time and the woman said again, "Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle, He said hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!