[Richard230]

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I've got a full time job, Just to find the bloody thing.

[Richard230]

I attended a very emotional wedding this past weekend. Even the cake was in tiers.

[Richard230]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. A Navaho on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. 'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.' 'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'

[Richard230]

You can distinguish a crocodile from an alligator by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while. 

[Arizoni]

I've invented a new thing to put on your food when your eating at the table.  It replaces the old salt and pepper you used to use.

It will be made in and imported from Oman, a country close to Saudi Arabia.

I call it Sultan pepper. 

[Scotty Brown]

Driving habits

[Scotty Brown]

Driving Habits

[Richard230]

A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?" The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."

[Richard230]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Richard230]

It seems that when the Holy Angel's Convent was trying to save money, it sent out the nuns' faded clothing to be reconditioned. Unfortunately, when the things came back they were not of a uniform color. The businessman who did the work denied responsibility. He righteously proclaimed that, "Everybody knows that old habits dye hard."

[Richard230]

What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark? "Now I herd everything
"Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic? They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust? The cheetah
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark? Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by? Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark? No, he came fourth out of the ark

[Richard230]

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

[Richard230]

I don't procrastinate. I wait until the last minute to do things because I will be older and therefore wiser.

Wow!!! Apparently it's "rude" to ask the parents of a kid on a leash it it was a rescue.

[Scotty Brown]

Finally we are getting some rain in California --Changing our Fire season to our Flood season  Thus becomes the question--

[Richard230]

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."