[Arizoni]

Here in Phoenix, we have several canals that provide water to the city and to the farms in the surrounding areas.

The other day, a man was standing on one of the bridges that crosses a canal and leaning over the edge to watch the water flow by.

Suddenly, his wallet fell out of his coat pocket and fell rapidly towards the slow moving, brown, murky water.

Just before it reached the water, a large carp appeared and hit the wallet with its head, causing it to fly toward the shore.
Again, as it almost hit the water, another large carp arouse from the murky water and hit the wallet with his head knocking it closer to the shore.
As the wallet started to fall into the water, a third carp whacked it with his head and knocked it up on the shore.

After retrieving his wallet the man told another person who had watched the whole thing, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."

[tooseevee]

After retrieving his wallet the man told another person who had watched the whole thing, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp to carp walleting."

             I apologize beforehand, everybody, but after reading your carp joke I just must tell this story.

             I had a very good friend back in the early 1970s named Eino Karppinen (Finnish).

              When his wife, Evy, got pregnant, Eino insisted in no uncertain terms the his son's name was going to be Walter Wall Karppinen.

               Needless to say, before the birth certificate was signed, sealed and delivered, Evy won out and the boy got a more reasonable name which I have since forgotten. But Eino got to drive her to distraction for 9 months. She used to come over and commiserate with my wife at least weekly for the whole gestation period. Shows you the POTP   

              Eino and I used to laugh our asses off about it because he had convinced her he was dead serious.
   

[Richard230]

It is cute cartoon time.   

[Richard230]

Government Employee's Three Wishes

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"

POOF!

A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where I can have total peace and solitude."

POOF!

Suddenly he is on an island with no one around to place demands on his time. Absolute leisure has finally come without conditions. He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.

[Richard230]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. "Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "We had him circumcised!"

Difference between Drunk & Stoned: Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

[Richard230]

Proof That Men Have Better Friends!

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Richard230]

A prostitutes customer was fumbling around on top of her. In exasperation she remarked "you only have a small organ." "Yes but it's never played in a cathedral before" he replied.

[Richard230]

Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[Arizoni]

An elderly man was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweet heart, Pumpkin and the like.  The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, "I think its wonderful that, after all of these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth." he said.
"Her name slipped from my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the grouchy old bitch what her name is."

[Arizoni]

You know your staying at a "Red neck" motel when you call the front desk and say" I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

[Richard230]

You are going to love this Australian school's answering machine recording: 
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0

[Richard230]

Signs in a shoe store in Vancouver reads:
We will heel; We will save your sole; We will even dye for you.
 
A sign on a blinds and curtains truck reads:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”

[Arizoni]

I once heard of a constipated mathematician.

He tried to work it out with a pencil.

[heloego]

What? No Slide Rule?!?!?! 

[Richard230]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a real Rugby player.
They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that for?" the lady questions. "Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
'What's that ?' the lady asks...
"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
The man replies: "No, no...!!! CALM DOWN!!!
It will say ADIDAS in a minute."