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Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 71671 times)

Richard230

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #855 on: June 13, 2018, 08:43:54 am »
A prostitutes customer was fumbling around on top of her. In exasperation she remarked "you only have a small organ." "Yes but it's never played in a cathedral before" he replied.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1

Richard230

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #856 on: June 14, 2018, 08:57:05 am »
Paraprosdokians:

First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1

Arizoni

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  • "But it's a dry heat here in Arizona
Re: JOTD
« Reply #857 on: June 14, 2018, 05:33:50 pm »
An elderly man was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My love, Darling, Sweet heart, Pumpkin and the like.  The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, "I think its wonderful that, after all of these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head.
"I have to tell you the truth." he said.
"Her name slipped from my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask the grouchy old bitch what her name is."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Arizoni

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #858 on: June 14, 2018, 05:40:27 pm »
You know your staying at a "Red neck" motel when you call the front desk and say" I gotta leak in my sink", and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary

Richard230

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #859 on: June 18, 2018, 08:49:08 am »
You are going to love this Australian school's answering machine recording: 
https://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1

Richard230

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Re: JOTD
« Reply #860 on: June 20, 2018, 08:43:45 am »
Signs in a shoe store in Vancouver reads:
We will heel; We will save your sole; We will even dye for you.
 
A sign on a blinds and curtains truck reads:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises”
2011 Royal Enfield B5 500, 2018 16.6 kWh Zero S, 2016 BMW R1200RS, 2009 BMW F650GS, 2005 Triumph Bonneville T-100, 2002 Yamaha FZ1