Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 379794 times)

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Richard230

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Reply #960 on: December 19, 2018, 03:09:28 pm
It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18."
Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, "I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"
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Richard230

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Reply #961 on: December 19, 2018, 03:09:58 pm
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
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Richard230

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Reply #962 on: December 19, 2018, 03:10:37 pm
Father: "Son there is something I need to tell you: Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, that's always been me."
"I already know, dad," the son reassures him. "Only the stork, that was Uncle Fred."
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Richard230

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Reply #963 on: December 20, 2018, 10:53:44 pm
Skill Saw - A cutting device used to make boards too short.
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Richard230

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Reply #964 on: December 20, 2018, 10:54:10 pm
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Richard230

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Reply #965 on: December 20, 2018, 10:54:31 pm
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
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Richard230

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Reply #966 on: December 20, 2018, 10:55:08 pm
A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"
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Richard230

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Reply #967 on: December 20, 2018, 10:55:51 pm
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?"
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Richard230

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Reply #968 on: December 23, 2018, 01:44:11 pm
When I go bowling I always set my name as "3 testicles" Now and then the screen says "Congratulations 3 testicles, you have a spare"
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Richard230

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Reply #969 on: December 23, 2018, 01:44:32 pm
First Sperm:  Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?" Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"
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Reply #970 on: December 23, 2018, 01:44:55 pm
A man gets caught cheating on a woman and they are having a heated argument while driving to her mothers house. The woman gets so mad that she reaches over and cuts the man's dick off and throws it out the window. The detached phallus hurls through the air and lands on the windshield of a car behind them, sliding off to the side of the windshield and leaving a red smear to the edge. The car is driven by a Dad with his 9 year old daughter in the passenger seat. The father, not wanting to expose his daughter to the horror of this reality, looks over at her with wide eyes and says, "Wow! did you see the size of that bug!" The daughter looks over at her dad with wide surprised eyes, and replies, "That was a bug?" "It sure was," says the dad. The daughter thinks about this for a while and says to her dad, "Well, it sure had a big dick!"
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Reply #971 on: December 23, 2018, 01:45:18 pm
Great-Uncle George: The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
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Reply #972 on: December 26, 2018, 11:46:01 pm
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? A: It's okay. He woke up.
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Richard230

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Reply #973 on: December 27, 2018, 10:41:07 pm
A woman walks into her doctor's office and says "Doctor, I have this terrible rash." She lifts up her sweater to reveal a large 'M' shaped rash. The doctor replies, "Now that is the strangest rash I've ever seen." The woman explains, "Well my boyfriend goes to Michigan and refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love." The doctor shrugs her shoulders, prescribes some lotion and sends the woman on her way. The next day another woman comes in with a very similar rash. "How did you get that?" the doctor asks. "My boyfriend goes to MIT and he refuses to take his letter sweater off when we make love," she says. The doctor prescribes some lotion and sends the young lady on her way. The third day another young woman comes into the doctor's office and she too has a big rash in the shape of an 'M' on her chest.  Let me guess," the doctor says. "Your boyfriend goes to Maryland?" "No," the patient replies, "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."
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Richard230

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Reply #974 on: December 27, 2018, 10:41:46 pm
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of bagpipers. They called ground control with a list of demands.  Then they told the negotiator if their demands aren't met they will release one bagpiper player an hour.  :o
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