[Richard230]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?  WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a complete failure—why? –because: In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. In the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada , and Great Britain . . .everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

[Richard230]

We ordered a pizza to watch Netflix and....
Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?  No sir, it's Google Pizza.  I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month. OK. I'd like to order a pizza. Do you want your usual, sir? My usual? You know me? According to our caller ID data, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with cheese, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms on a thick crust. OK! That’s what I want. May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust? No you may not! I don't like vegetables. Your cholesterol needs help, sir. How the hell do you know? We cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Listen, I don't want your vegetable pizza, and I take medication for my cholesterol! Excuse me sir, but you don't take your medication regularly. Our database indicates that you only filled a prescription for 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, four months ago. I bought the rest at another drugstore. Not according to your credit card statement. I paid in cash. Sir, you didn't withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. I have other sources of cash. That doesn’t show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. WHAT THE HELL?! I'm sorry, sir, we use such information with the sole intention of helping you. Goodbye, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and all this crap. I'm moving to an island without Internet, cable TV, cell phone service and jerks watching and spying on me. I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'  Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'  Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

TRUE STORY - on the wall of a porta potty someone wrote "I hate fucking police." Right underneath it someone else wrote "Then stop doing it"

[Richard230]

AVOCADOS
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.  The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!  Men will get it the first time. 
My work is done here.

WATER IN THE CARBURETOR 
WIFE:  "There is trouble with the car.  It has water in the carburetor." 
HUSBAND:  "Water in the carburetor?  That's ridiculous " 
WIFE:  "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." 
HUSBAND:  "You don't even know what a carburetor is I'll check it out. Where's the car? 
WIFE: "In the pool."
 
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. 
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 
That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated...
 
HE MUST PAY 
Husband and wife had an argument. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you." 
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."
 
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE 
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." 
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

[Arizoni]

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from
their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her
husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and
sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?", he
replied. "And remember he said I had two choices; I could either marry you,
or spend the next twenty years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have been released today."

[Richard230]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine ... 
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
Practice safe eating - always use condiments. 
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. 
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. 
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. 
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. 
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. 
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.) 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. 
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. 
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
If you don't pay your exorcist, You get repossessed.
With her marriage, She got a new name and a dress. 
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. 
Every calendar's days are numbered. 
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine. 
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 
He had a photographic memory that was never developed. 
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. 
Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall. 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.. 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Richard230]

Our world today!!!

8:00 -- I made a snowman.

8:10 -- A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 -- So I made a snow woman as well.

8:17 -- The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 -- The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 -- The vegans at No. 12 complained about veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures .

8:28 -- I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 -- The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:35 -- A First Nations group stopped and said the project had been built on what was once their traditional lands without their consultation and approval. They want an apology and compensation

8:40 -- Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on

8:42 -- I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things got worse after I muttered: "Yeah, if it's up your ass"

8:52 -- My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 -- I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

9:10 -- I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 -- ISIS just claimed responsibility.

[Richard230]

MEMORANDUM TO: All employees
FROM: Managment
SUBJECT: Revised Retirement Plan

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future plans.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as Retire Aged Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance (HERPES) or Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment (CLAP), unless of course they already have Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse (AIDS). As both HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
We believe that we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area.

If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor who has been especially trained by means of a Basic Understanding Lecture List of Special High Intensity Training (BULLSHIT) to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Yours,

BIG SHIT

[Richard230]

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer battery arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Canberra, obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Richard230]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested,"But we don't know anything about each other." He replied,"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer,entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said,"I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said,"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"  No, she said,"I was a hooker in Windsor and I worked both sides of the river!"

[Richard230]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.  The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman approached the cell and opened the door.  She was escorted back to the booking desk, where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
The policeman said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake.  You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Scotty Brown]

Some of us older folks are a bit unstable and require better balance --- Especially when in the shower --The following may help somewhat.......

[Arizoni]

A few from my companies retirement club newsletter:

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive
set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .....

 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or
something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However,
since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached
the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and
told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes
go?'
'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

[Arizoni]

Fred was approaching 85 and to spend his morning doing something he went daily to the local park to sit on a bench and feed the squirrels while he talked to his buddy Bill.
One of their favorite subjects was looking at the young shapely girls who passed by.

One day when he arrived at the park, Bill was not to be seen.

Fred didn't think much about it that morning but after a week without a sign of Bill he became worried.  He didn't know where Bill lived so trying to phone him or visit him was out of the question.
Four weeks later there was still no sign of Bill and Fred decided he must have died.

Imagine his delight when after 32 days, suddenly Bill was sitting there on the bench, looking like nothing had happened.

Fred said, "BILL!  Where the hell have you been?  I've been worried about you and had given you up for dead."

Bill said, "Well, it's a long story."

"You remember that shapely little red head girl?  The one with the big tits?
Well, she went to the police and charged me with rape.

At the hearing, I got on the stand and the judge said, "You have been charged with rape.  How to you plead?"

Well, at 89 years of age, I felt so honored to be charged with such a crime I said, "I'm guilty of not only raping her but I sodomized her as well!"

The judge looked at me for a minute and then threw me in jail for 30 days for lying under oath. "

[Richard230]

Squirrels in church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since. 

[Richard230]

Road Trip: While on a road trip, an elderly couple, Jack and Debbie stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card.

A hotel guest: A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?" The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry, sir, but that's a personal issue." The man replies, "Listen, I can't get the window open... and that's a maintenance issue."