[The Old Coot]

[malky]

Small boy comes home from school to see his father relaxing on the porch smoking a cigarette. " Hey dad, give me one of your smokes" he shouts. The father looks round to see his son with his wife who is scowling in disgust. "What kind of son have we brought up ? Eleven years old and he's already asking his own father for cigarettes, have a word with the boy right now" she says. "  O.k. son" says the father, you're not getting one of my smokes, go and buy your own"

[Scotty Brown]

Son goes to Father -"Pappa canna you give me fivea dollars--- Father " Wassa for?" Son "I wanna buy a Guinea pig"  Father - "How about I giva you Twentya dollars and get a nice Italian girl"

[Richard230]

So why did the chicken cross the road? (I really like the last reason.)

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.... and the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DONALD TRUMP: We should build a wall so the chicken can't cross the road.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[i.candide]

Perfect Employee

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

[Richard230]

Stress!!! You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital. Now that's stressful. But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful! You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved. On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home. 

[malky]

Sad day today. My nephew's pet mouse Elvis died.
It was caught in a trap.

[AgentX]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

[malky]

A doctor pays a visit to three old guys in a rest home for their regular memory test. He asks them all the same question, what's 2 + 2.
The first one answers 39.
The second one answers October.
The third one answers 4.
" Brilliant" replies the doctor " now how did you get that answer?"
"I subtracted 39 from October" replies the old guy.

[mattsz]

Malky - that must be the same three hard-of-hearing guys who were riding on the London subway... arriving at a station:
The first guy says, "Is this Wembley?"
The second answers, "No it's Thursday."
The third guys says, "Me too, let's get us a pint at the pub!"

[malky]

No they were the the three who wet skiing. The first two were arguing as to whether you zig zaged, or zag ziged down the slope, when they asked the third to resolve the argument he couldn't because he was a tobacconist.

[mattsz]

when they asked the third to resolve the argument he couldn't because he was a tobacconist.

Hmm... give me a minute...

[malky]

Tobogganing.

[The Old Coot]

Let me give you a hint of WHAT they were rollen'

[mattsz]

Tobogganing.

I was gonna chastise you for not giving me a chance, but never mind - I never would have gotten it. 

Ironic, since this very weekend my town is holding the annual "World Tobogganing Championships"...