Author Topic: JOTD  (Read 380101 times)

0 Members and 6 Guests are viewing this topic.

barenekd

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 5,516
  • Karma: 0
Reply #165 on: October 07, 2014, 05:31:02 pm
She: I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I need you to give me a compliment.

He: Your eyesight is damn near perfect!
2013 Moto Guzzi V7 Racer
2011 Black Classic G5 (RIP)
I refuse to tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death
http://www.controllineplans.com


gizzo

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,047
  • Karma: 0
  • purple people
Reply #166 on: October 07, 2014, 10:27:22 pm
Q: Why do farts stink?

A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
simon from south Australia
Continental GT
Pantah
DR250
DRZ400SM
C90
GSX250E


Scotty Brown

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 546
  • Karma: 0
  • Scotty Brown
Reply #167 on: October 11, 2014, 12:34:39 am
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.........."Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'Kind Hearted Scotsman' he thought, "What the heck...I'll treat her!"
So, they walked past it again......


Arizoni

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,412
  • Karma: 2
  • "But it's a dry heat here in Arizona
Reply #168 on: November 01, 2014, 04:24:58 am
Farmer Browns daughter had gone off to College and when she got there she took her belongings to her room in the Dorm.

While talking with the other girls she found that they all were getting bicycles and, wanting to fit in she sent her father a letter saying,

"Dear Dad:  All of the girls here are buying bicycles.  Could you please send me $100 so I can buy one too?  I know the other girls will be more friendly if I have a bicycle like theirs.
Love Vicky"

The father was not a rich man but he loved his daughter dearly so he scrimped and saved for the $100 to send her.

After a month, he had the money saved so he sent it to Vicky but by then, the fad had changed.  The other girls had sold their bicycles and bought pet monkeys.  Vicky joined them and used the $100 to buy herself a small monkey too.

Things went well for a few weeks but then, her monkey got very sick.
It was so sick the hair started falling off of it.

Vicky figured her dad was a farmer and knew all about sick animals  so he should know what to do to help so she wrote him another letter saying:

"Dear Dad.  The hair is falling off of my monkey.  Please tell me what to do.
Love Vicky"

Her father wrote back saying:

"Dear Vicky:  Sell the bicycle!
Love Dad"
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary


mattsz

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 5,525
  • Karma: 0
  • moto-gurdyist
Reply #169 on: November 02, 2014, 09:28:47 pm
The Will:

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the as*hole had a paper route!"


mattsz

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 5,525
  • Karma: 0
  • moto-gurdyist
Reply #170 on: October 05, 2015, 07:21:25 pm
Am I really the last one to post here... almost a year ago?  :o

Cold weather is quickly approaching, and I'm depressed, so post some jokes to cheer me up, you guys!

Q: What do you call a dwarf psychic who recently escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large...


flyboy

  • Bulleteer
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
  • Karma: 0
  • Keepin the shiney side up
Reply #171 on: October 06, 2015, 02:29:36 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a Dog.


gizzo

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,047
  • Karma: 0
  • purple people
Reply #172 on: October 06, 2015, 06:13:09 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic dingo?

It ate the Azaleas

The Australians here will get it..... ;)
simon from south Australia
Continental GT
Pantah
DR250
DRZ400SM
C90
GSX250E


Arizoni

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 7,412
  • Karma: 2
  • "But it's a dry heat here in Arizona
Reply #173 on: October 06, 2015, 07:19:57 am
Why Older People Still Use Need Newspapers:

I was visiting my daughter last night
and asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said.
"We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... that f**king fly
never knew what hit him...
Jim
2011 G5 Deluxe
1999 Miata 10th Anniversary


firecaptp7

  • Guest
Reply #174 on: October 06, 2015, 02:32:35 pm
Jim .... I was immediately looking for the "LIKE" button!  :)
Jerry


malky

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,758
  • Karma: 0
  • Team Rough Inferior.
Reply #175 on: October 17, 2015, 08:34:47 pm
A couple of years ago I was heading out from Inverary for Lochgilped when my bike spluttered to a halt. I stood scratching my head when I heard a soft voice saying " It's the low tension lead on the coil". Startled I looked around but saw know one, only a black horse munching the grass in a nearby field. I looked back at the bike, and sure enough the lead had come loose, a quick tighten up an I was on my way. Still bewildered I pulled into the filling station at Lochgilped to fuel up, and told the pump attendant my strange tale. He looked at me with a serious face and asked "Was there a black horse nearby?" "Why yes" I replied. " You were very lucky then, the white one that's usually there knows f##k alll."
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream


Ice

  • Hypercafienated
  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,753
  • Karma: 0
  • Ride In Paradise Cabo, Don and Ernie
Reply #176 on: October 18, 2015, 12:22:56 am
 ;D
No matter where you go, there, you are.


Ice

  • Hypercafienated
  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 6,753
  • Karma: 0
  • Ride In Paradise Cabo, Don and Ernie
Reply #177 on: October 18, 2015, 12:27:47 am
Patient to psychiatrist: Doc, I'm suffering from extreme mixed emotions......

Psychiatrist : Go on.

Patient: My mother in law died yesterday when she drove off a cliff.................

........in my brand new car.
No matter where you go, there, you are.


mattsz

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 5,525
  • Karma: 0
  • moto-gurdyist
Reply #178 on: October 18, 2015, 10:54:48 am
Pete Seeger was at a peace rally near Boston, where he showed this to my sister-in-law, one of the organizers.  It's a bit geographically specific, obviously - and pretty clever...

The post office received a letter to be delivered, addressed only as follows:


Hill
Mister
Massachusetts



So they sent it to...




Mr. Underhill
Andover, Massachusetts


malky

  • Grand Gearhead
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,758
  • Karma: 0
  • Team Rough Inferior.
Reply #179 on: October 18, 2015, 11:49:59 am
Last time the Pope was here he was driven around in a chauffeur driven limo. One morning before hitting the motorway the Pope asked the driver to pull over and give him a shot at the wheel because he was bored sitting in the back being driven everyday, so they changed places. The Pope floored it, took the big car up to 115mph. They were soon pulled over by a rookie traffic cop who on seeing the Pope cautiously asked him to remain in the car. The cop went back to the patrol car and radioed base. "I've stopped someone really important and I don't know what to do", he said." Well how important is this person" barked the desk sergeant. " I don't know" replied the cop " Well how do you know they are important at all then" replied the sergeant " they must be really important" replied the cop, " because they've got the Pope as a driver"
I was Molly Sugdens bridesmaid.

Spontaneity is the cure for best laid plans.
‘S Rioghal Mo Dhream